help update-what now from roann

roann

Registered User
Jan 19, 2006
17
notts
thanks for your support in the past . my husband died last night , feel num , unreal, just got home , i stayed at the hospital for 7 days. glad i did .we had time to be together without me having to do shoping,cleaning cooking and all his care, we just held hands , looked into each others eyes. we always were a sloppy pair. 35 happy years of marrage even dementia or having to hoist and do every thing for him could never change that. He was my soulmate . now the caring is over what does one do? has any of you had any experiance of this with a partner ?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,687
Kent
Oh roann, I`m so sorry. There is nothing to say, but I`m pleased after all your heartsearching, you were shown that the decision to allow your husband to go into a home, was the right one. You were able to concentrate only on your time together, without being worn down by all other chores.
Now you will have to be kind to yourself. Take care, Sylvia x
 

Áine

Registered User
Feb 22, 2006
994
sort of north east ish
sending love and sympathy roann. i'm glad you had that lovely time with your husband before he died. take your time, look after yourself, give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do for a while.
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
Derbyshire
So very sorry to hear your news, but wonderful that you had that precious time just to be with him. I have no experience of the void that is left but I am sure you will cope. Take your time and take good care of yourself now. I do think it is is important that you meet friends and make new ones (but that will come later).
Best wishes Beckyjan
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
Sorry to hear your news Roann
Its obviously been a week for departing with my Mother going too

I believe the only thing you can do in your situation is to take up some craft or some interest you never had time for before

Immerse yourself in something challenging and new

The pain of loss will ease in time and much more so if you take up some new interest
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Roann

So sorry to hear your sad news.

I agree with Tina. You were privileged to have that last week with your husband, it is a memory you will always cherish.

Now all you can do is give yourself time. Just try to relax as much as possible. don't make any important decisions until this feeling of 'I don't know what to do' passes.

The pain will not go away, but you will learn to live with it, and enjoy life again in spite of it. Yes, I've been through it.

Much, much sympathy,
 

Kathleen

Registered User
Mar 12, 2005
639
65
West Sussex
Roann

My sympathy to you on your sad loss.

I remember when my Dad died asking the doctor what I should do now, so much time in the previous weeks had been spent with him as he slowly slipped away from us, that there was a huge hole in my life.

I coped when there were practical things to do, but after his death I had to face life without him.

It is a very individual thing, grief, just take it hour by hour, then day by day and look after yourself.

Your husband would be so proud of you.

Take care

Kathleen
 

nicetotalk

Registered User
Sep 22, 2006
155
stretford
Hi Roann

iam so sorry for your loss, i can only say take time out for yourself for now,can only emagin the pain you are going through, it was lovely you were with him that is special in itself. You take care of yourself

kathy
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Hi Roan
sorry to read your sad post,it made feel very sad.
I do know what you mean about a soulmate,I have one the love of my life, and it is breaking my heart to see her slipping away from me.
I have no words to comfort you,what use are words anyway,only to say that I am thinking of you and wishing you well.
Kind thoughts
Norman
 

roann

Registered User
Jan 19, 2006
17
notts
help update-what now from roann

to Grannie g . My husband never went into a home and never would have . he had to go into hospital because he had phmonia and could not swallowing is tablets that stoped him having fits. sorry but wanted to set the record right.
 

alex

Registered User
Apr 10, 2006
1,665
Dear Roann

I'm so sorry to hear your news, i do know how you will be feeling at the moment, as its still fresh in my mind............it brought back feeling of six months ago when i lost the love of my life..............you will survive this Roann, your mind will be all over the place at the moment..........you'll be exhausted too...........but you will get through it.

Things will be numb for another 10 days or so, in that time you will have things to organize, funeral etc,..........my advice would be to accept as much help as is offered by friends and family, but you'll find that you want time to yourself too.........thinking time!

Keep busy over the next few days...........take it one day at a time (its been six months for me and i'm still at the one day stage) and the best advice someone gave me was..........'you'll get through this.......just keep breathing' ..........its true, you will have bad days, i still do, but you will fill the void, it just won't feel like it at the moment.

Please keep in touch with tp over the next few weeks, even though you might feel that your circumstances have now changed, we are here for you Roann, anytime you feel the need.

Take care sweetheart
Love Alex x
 

mel

Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
1,656
62
Sheffield
Hi Roann
I'm so very sorry to hear your news
Just want to send you a hug
As Alex says.....please keep posting.....I know its helped her in her darkest times
Take care of yourself
Love xx
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
I am sorry to hear about your husband, I agree with skye when she says.

The pain will not go away, but you will learn to live with it.

Even now 5years on I sometime can’t control the tears that flow like a waterfall, someone at work 5 years ago told me that it would take a good 5 years for mum ,to feel that “learn to live with it saying ” , my mother, father had been together 55 years when my father died .

But in my mother grief confusion she did not take her medication right for diabetic, also before my father died as she cared for him and my brother , she did not control her medication , did not look after herself . so was later diagnosed , with dementia/ AZ , so every right now its time to look after you .

I suppose everyone different in there grief, I hope you have family that you can lean on when your not feeling strong. as your always have us in TP as 2nd best ((hugs)))
 
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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,687
Kent
I`m sorry I got mixed up roann, about your husband being in a home. Please accept my apologies. Sylvia
 

Nell

Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
1,170
68
Australia
Dear Roann,
Such a sad time for you. My Mum lost my Dad recently, after 56 years of marriage and 58 years together. It does leave a huge gap, not easy to fill. Please be kind and gentle to yourself; indulge yourself a bit; take as much time as you need to make decisions - no-one will expect instant answers from you just now. I hope you have loving and caring people around you to support you. Remember your TP friends are here when you need us. Thinking of you and sending you strength. Nell
 

willemm

Registered User
Sep 20, 2006
41
Dear Roann
I am so sorry to hear about your husband, and offer my sincere sympathy as one who has just gone through much the same with my wife who passed away a week ago, after being placed in a home two months ago. I had looked after her myself for a long while, but when I could no longer cope, admittance to a home was the only option.
I too was with my wife when she slipped away. We had been married 62 years, but any long term relationship will bear heavily on one's emotions under these circumstances. You must expect to feel distressed and exhausted, for it is only when it's all over that you begin to realise just how much you have given of yourself in the process.
The awful pain of loss, the heartache, the big hole in your life - where do I go from here - are all to be expected. Much as you did before, take one day a time, at least for a while, to allow yourself to recover physically and emotionally. The pain does ease after a while, but never entirely goes away. I wouldn't want it to.
TP was (still is) a great help to me before and after Elsie's passing, and like me, you must have family, friends, neighbours all there wanting to help if you need it. Just talking, telling how it really was, I found helped me enormously.
I left an earlier TP thread about letting go and moving on, easier to say than to do, but yes, we do need to move on, but only at the pace that is right for you. Don't rush anything - it will all slowly fall into place.
My condolences to your family, they too must be feeling the strain.
Take care Roann,
Love and best wishes
Bill
 

frederickgt

Registered User
Jun 4, 2005
124
92
Hornchurch,Essex
My condolences to you Roan,you fought the good fight,and you must continue to do so,I am struggling to do that very thing at the moment as caring for my wife is becoming very difficult,but I hope to find the strength and patience to continue,at the moment she doesnt know who I am,and I am nearly exhausted,but I wouldnt like to be without her,so I know how you feel.God Bless