Help! Tears and Fears

[Chesca]

Help! Am having a terribly weepy day, today.

As time goes by I am finding it harder and harder to visit Mum, instead of it getting easier. Just as I've convinced myself that all is OK and clatter along with an air of acceptance along comes some awful cloud of negativity - grief, doom and gloom.

Have tried to vary the times I visit and found the nights to be the best - just after 8; there isn't the busying of staff rushing around, hoisting, bathing, toileting, etc and some kind of wierd calm seems to fall - although calm is certainly not true for some of the poor residents, one of whom, I swear, must have worked at some time in her life flogging 'arf a pound o musherooms' to customers in Swansea from a barrow in Liverpool without the aid of a megaphone, such is her vocal projection! God help her! But, even accounting for that particular recitative, it is better - I suppose because an attempt is made at some semblance of normality. Supper at 8.15 hot drinks and snacks, background noise of the TV, everybody sitting, resting or falling out of armchairs and Mum and I share a small picnic of eclairs or trifle which she thoroughly enjoys. If she is receptive to the idea, sometimes I am able to dress her for bed and return her to the lounge cuddly in the dressing gown.

It's just that at the moment I am having to psych myself up for it just when I thought I had it cracked! The last evening visit, I suppose, was the catalyst for this particular cloud - she leaned across to me, put her hand to my face and said, 'you are lovely' and every time I think of it my heart breaks just a little more. The emotional stuff is the PITS! I wonder if she would think I was lovely if she could read what goes on in my head sometimes.

Sorry for the whinge. Need to go tonight and take flowers and am already screwed up, like the child going to the dentist who frets and then discovers that it is never as bad as she thought it was going to be - she still has her head on! Can't even practice my own philosophy!

Lots of love
Chesca

 

[Jude]

Dear Chesca,

Philosophy is all very well, but it doesn't work all of the time and you ARE allowed to ignore it when you feel tired and emotional.
[I do...].

Pause for thought here...... Things have been a bit tough lately. You've had the descent of the killer siblings, father's been ill with a mini stroke, you've had bronchitis, locked yourself out of the house, computer's crashed cutting off life support and all topped off with the Lunch of the Year. Might you be feeling a wee bit exhausted? I should think that you are entitled to feel a bit shattered. It's cumulative.....

Grab those flowers and eclairs and hang out with Mrs Pumblechook for an hour or so and just hold hands. I hope it helps. Even Superwoman has bad days you know.....

Jude

 

[Brucie]

Hi Chesca

yes, it is unrelenting, isn't it. You can fool yourself for a time that you have learned to handle it, and then...

With me it is often just a visit to the supermarket and a sudden realisation comes upon me that Jan will never go to a supermarket again. It is the very loss of such mundane things that hits.

Of course there are the occasional things they say that causes the cracks to reappear.

In such times I just think of the effort it must have taken them to summon the ability to say what they did, and suddenly any burden I feel seems so insignificant. Just got to hold on.

So hold on. To what you are doing. To the realisation that this is truly something special. To the recipe for a Quiet Sunday. Did you realise that through the wonders of Brucie's magic time-shifting cocktail, you can compress several quiet sundays into a single day that isn't even Sunday?

Take care!

Best wishes

 

[gemini]

Dear Chesca

You've been such a help to me over the last few weeks... I can't offer any constructive advice... can I instead wrap you up in a big imaginary fleecy blanket that stetches from Nottingham to Liverpool...

Love
Gemini

 

[frazer]

I know just how you feel. We are so vulnerable to pain because we love so much. This is not an issue we can "deal with" and then move on like some politician. And thats what makes you so good for your mum - and for all of us who you have helped. You will give again tonight, and then you need to come back and get something for yourself - sleep, fun, whatever. You cannot protect yourself from the pain or you wouldnt be able to give the love. But you are a great person because of that, much more useful to the world than some to**y politician who cant be ar*ed to give us a respectful response. I say Chesca for President!

 

[storm]

Dear Chesca, Your mum must love you very much and you deserve every ounce of it. She cant read your mind and over the years i bet she was glad you couldnt read hers we all think and even say things we dont mean none of us are perfect.Remember you will feel better soon we always do sending you a big hug till then. storm

 

[Kriss]

Hi Chesca

you're never alone here. I am only visiting Aunt at weekends (100 miles is too far away for a daily trip) but yes - its as though we just about got this far and reached some sort of plateau. Did what we thought was the hard bit in settling her into the home, got into some sort of routine and now there's nothing but a slippy slope downwards to look forward to.

Got to set our sights as Norman would say "day to day". Accept the bad days and make every moment of the good ones count.

Hope you get to give her a cuddle tonight

love
Kriss

 

[Chesca]

Dear wonderful peeps

Thank you so so much. I feel cuddled, and looking forward to turning Friday into Sunday, and yes, Jude, am probably tired and emotional after the last few weeks. Just saddling the pony and ready to go.

So much appreciate your support. I know it will pass, it always does, but I just hate that feeling in the pit of my stomach at times like this. I should be grateful I don't have miles and miles to travel. Just a ten minute drive, or if JJ takes me 1.3 mins!

I do promise you that during my presidency you and all of your loved ones will enjoy the best of changes................I wish.

Lots of love
Chesca

 

[Chesca]

Right! Do feel better now and apologies for the mawkishness. Mrs Pumblechook was as fine as could be, didn't know who I was but seemed to take the cakes and kindnesses in her stride. It does make me wonder what I worry about, stupid woman!

Bruce! you really have something there! If it's Friday it must be Sunday - your cocktail recipe is highly recommended as the ultimate indulgence on a dismal rainy night! I can feel my dancin' feet twitchin!

Lots of love and stuff
Chesca

 

[Norman]

Dear Chesca
made me very sad to read your unhappy postings.
We all seem to get the good and the bad this is of course a common theme with AD.I think it must be the time of year or the weather,I too have had a rough ride of late.Things are certainly worse,I am afraid she will fail to recognise me next and that must be a killer.
Bruce got it right it's the realisation, through small things when you know a certain situation can never happen again.
I went out on my escape last Wednesday and looked in the travel agents window,what for ,it dawned on me that we will never go far again.
It makes it worse when she asks can we go away again soon?
Be strong Chesca,thinking about you
Norman

 

[sarahc]

Chesca, I felt the same today ( ie despair, horror) before visiting my mum but actually it was OK - we talked about what I thought was 'my dad' (who died 3 months ago) who turned out to be her dad (' so glad he is in good health and able to take the train to Liverpool everyday with Mr Jones' - which he stopped doing in 1950 something). Where are you ? I live in London but my mum is in a wonderful home near Ellesmere Port - maybe I will send you a private message. Anyway, chin up and cocktail time=any time in my book !
Sarah xx

PS Took mum an amaryllis bulb (sp?) to plant - they are 2 for the price of one at the Co-op - she seemed to like it as she used to do it each year and have it on the kitchen window-sill. The other ladies were fascinated !

 

[Chesca]

As Mrs Pumblechook would say, you are lovely, all.

Norman, even though Mum doesn't appear to know Dad or me, and it is a killer, something else seems to kick in - an awareness of somebody familiar by the very nature of the interraction. A conditioned reflex if you like; she has always been comfortable with laughter around her and also still senses love, kindness and warmth, or at least I like to think that's what it is.

I was reminded by Storm earlier about reading other people's minds - when she was angry in the middle stages of AD she would tell me that she wouldn't have me looking after her in a million years and she had made sure to tell everyone this! Wonderful the way 'everyone' has disappeared into the wild blue over the years.

Tonight when I was admiring her new slippers, verrry pink and fluffy, she surprised me by saying quite vehemently 'they're mine!' which in her former life would have been 'get your beady eyes off, they're mine!' and I laughed out loud and she gave a big smile! Little things mean a big lot. And when I left she seemed peaceful and although my face leaked (why do I still insist on wearing bloody mascara) so was I.

Sarah, so glad your visit to Mum went better than expected. But isn't it the worst feeling sometimes? We all get it. She will enjoy moments of watching the amaryllis grow - they're fantastic flowers. I've never had any luck with them but then I never had any luck with growing cress on blotting paper, either! I'm more of the grow your own dope, plant a man, kind of gardener. Sorry chaps!

Told you: normal service has been resumed, thanks to you.

Chesca

 

[Brucie]

Hi Norman

talk about travel agents... I never pass a jewellers without looking - Jan loved rings etc. I always have the temptation to go in and buy her something...until I remember that now is now, and that I have boxes of the stuff at home that she will neither wear, nor could even see again.

At the home, even her wedding ring is denied her as her fingers have changed shape and it drops off.

 

[Norman]

Bruce
it's all so sad.
I bought Peg a box of Thorntons,she ate them all then asked who had bought them.
I bought flowers this morning,she hardly looked at them ,and I ended up putting them in vases
It's true this horrible disease destroys two people not one.
all the best wishes
Norman

 

[Sheila]

Dear Chesca, Norman, Brucie, everybody, it's this big empty "can never do it again now" that's the heart wrencher, no matter how much you love, care, make 'em smile, it can never be how it was that's the rub. I still cry now over what we had that was lost, you can never resign yourself to this one. I do hope you all have a better day tomorrow, remember the good times, they are all we have. Love She. XX