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help sinking fast

sleepingplum

Registered User
Mar 1, 2015
46
good morning to anybody on here. I have posted before about my FIL who I look after. I was quite ill about 2 yrs ago with anxiety and ended up in hospital all my husbands family got together and decided it was too much holding onto our house and caring for my FIL at the same time so they decided that the best thing to do was to sell up and move in with said FIL so that's what we did myself my husband and my 7 yr old little boy. my husband works full time so that means its just me and my FIL together all day at first it was ok and we rubbed along quite nicely but it has been getting gradually worse and he is making our lives miserable I knew it wouldn't be easy but I feel I am losing my grip on everything to the point where my son doesn't want to be in the house so he goes over the road to his nans which makes me feel like a total failure as a mum to keep him happy and then yesterday my FIL fell off his chair trying to get up whilst screaming at me from the kitchen and when I heard the thump ran to the kitchen tried to help him up and he slapped me across the face I couldnt believe it I was so shocked but still had to get him up I shouted to my husband for help and when he came down my FIL said I pushed him looked at me and smirked its was the last straw I do everthing for him food change his soiled underwear shave him and buy him treats so I can see him smile what have I done wrong now I am afraid to stay on my own with him what can I do does anybody have any tips
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,304
Merseyside
Contact social services this morning & scream for help. Ask for respite.

Violence would make put him in a home.
My own son not wanting to be at home would make me put him in a home.

Demand a couple of weeks respite & think about your options.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,806
69
Dundee
Good morning. I'm sorry you are having such a awful time.

I feel you need to have a very serious and honest discussion with your husband. The time has come to day you can't go on. It's his father, not yours. He needs to take responsibility for sorting this out.

Clearly your FIL needs support and help but I think that needs to be professional help, not yours. Your husband needs to phone Social Services. If he won't then you need to.

You also might find it useful to phone the Alzheimer's Society Helpline and talk this over with someone there. It opens at 9am and you will find the number here-

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200365

Please try to get help before you become really ill and your little boy suffers even more.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Firstly, you have done nothing wrong, nothing at all. You are trying to cope in an almost intolerable situation.

I understand totally about anxiety as I almost had a breakdown myself, so the fact that you ended up in hospital with it should surely have rung alarm bells with your husband's family (who are they?) It seems completely unfair to me that while you were poorly, these people decided something on your behalf which was obviously going to have such a huge impact on you. (Apologies if I have got this wrong.)

Can you sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation about where you go from here? You should not have to be afraid and exhausted like this, and your little boy should be your priority over your FiL, in my opinion.

I'm sure others will be along very soon with advice. Hang on in there, you are not alone xx

Edit - cross posted with the others!
 

sleepingplum

Registered User
Mar 1, 2015
46
Firstly, you have done nothing wrong, nothing at all. You are trying to cope in an almost intolerable situation.

I understand totally about anxiety as I almost had a breakdown myself, so the fact that you ended up in hospital with it should surely have rung alarm bells with your husband's family (who are they?) It seems completely unfair to me that while you were poorly, these people decided something on your behalf which was obviously going to have such a huge impact on you. (Apologies if I have got this wrong.)

Can you sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation about where you go from here? You should not have to be afraid and exhausted like this, and your little boy should be your priority over your FiL, in my opinion.

I'm sure others will be along very soon with advice. Hang on in there, you are not alone xx

Edit - cross posted with the others!
I thank you all for your advice I will phone this morning first thing my FIL used to be such a wonderful human being full of love and fun I feel so sorry that there is none of this left in him. I have just kissed my little boy and sent him to school with his uncle who is very good and only lives opposite with my mam and I have been upto my FIL as I heard him moving about and he is as if nothing has happened I have had the doctor out and they have checked his urine and his chest and will mention all this when I phone this morning because its time we had a break as a family to help us cope trouble is we have no security now as we have sold our home to move in with him.thank you for again for your advice I will keep posting
 

chelsea girl

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
139
I thank you all for your advice I will phone this morning first thing my FIL used to be such a wonderful human being full of love and fun I feel so sorry that there is none of this left in him. I have just kissed my little boy and sent him to school with his uncle who is very good and only lives opposite with my mam and I have been upto my FIL as I heard him moving about and he is as if nothing has happened I have had the doctor out and they have checked his urine and his chest and will mention all this when I phone this morning because its time we had a break as a family to help us cope trouble is we have no security now as we have sold our home to move in with him.thank you for again for your advice I will keep posting
Good, get help now!! (((hugs)))) x
 

Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
You sounded a little bit brighter in your last post sleepingplum which is good. I just wanted to reiterate what others have said really.

As others have said, your son, and your own health, must be of equal importance to the care required for your FIL, not secondary, tertiary or simply glossed over. Like College Girl I am shocked that FIL's family thought it was OK to put the pressure of caring onto you after you'd had to be hospitalised for anxiety, the easy and cost free option for them maybe?

With reference to your situation re housing as far as I am aware as you gave up your own home to move in with and care for FIL SS cannot make you homeless if FIL has to go into residential care but others may be more knowledgeable and better informed about that.

Good luck, stay strong and keep posting.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,617
USA
I'm not in the UK so don't have a good understanding of how your system works, but wanted to encourage you to avail yourself of the resources there. I hope you will call the Alzheimer's association and/or Age UK and/or social services, and that you get some good advice. Clearly professional help is needed, and there is no shame in that.

But mostly I wanted to say, as have others, that you have done nothing wrong. This is not your fault. You are not a failure. You are human, and you are coping the best you can and there is only so much that any one person can do.

I feel alarmed when you say you're afraid being on your own with your FIL, and of course even more so that he hit you. I can understand your concern for your child as well. Perhaps others on here will have suggestions as this does not sound like a safe situation.
 

sleepingplum

Registered User
Mar 1, 2015
46
good morning I have just read your replies and I really thank you all I have phoned ss and my OH has phoned the memory hospital where he was diagnosed. the upshot is they have put him on a tablet called rispiridone which they say will calm him down. ss are coming out yet again for assessment and my husband although calm got his point across very well and told them that when we sold our home to look after my FIL he didn't think we would be left high an dry like we were and left to fend for ourselves. they are coming out on Friday. things are looking up as we will be having a break and my SIL will be looking after him whether she has the time or not we have had a long talk and my oH problem was that he still thinks of him as his father and has now realised there nothing left of his father there because his father never showed violence in his life and they were never smacked as kids either. my OH has said this is step 1 and if this doesn't work then we will try something else either way my darling little one and myself will have his full support so glad I vented on here and had the advice I did because things definitely look better :D
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,352
68
I am so pleased that that things are looking better. I wish you well, nobody deserves to be treated as you were, and your son is your priority. I'm glad that OH has been so supportive.