help please today - moving care homes

[longacre]

i would really appreciate some help as I am feeling anxious about a family situation and how to resolve it well. My mother has been in a care home in the town she lived in for 35 years, for the past 2.5 years. It is not specialist dementia unit but has six dementia places with the rest old age and other related issues. She has mixed vascular dementia / Alzheimers and has had another step downwards recently so her memory is worse, more confusion / delusion about things being stolen / disorientation, often very tearful etc etc.

One member of my family, who lives far away and therefore sees my mother much less frequently that myself and other sister who have places nearby to see her most weekends, thinks we should consider moving her to a specialist dementia care home - either near her or somewhere else.

My gut feeling is that to move her somewhere else is not the right thing to do. We dont have an easy family dynamic with the sister further away and there is a physical and emotional distance between her and us which doesnt help. So to ensure she feels all her views are being listened to, we have gone and looked again at other specialist EMI units in the area and she has looked at other homes near her. I have also spoken to the care home and to each of the pop in carers who visit her on a regular basis for one on one attention (which she loves). They all live locally and this latest team have been in place for about 18 months.

I am worried about how the conversation is going to go. The only thing we all need to consider is what is best for our mother (but of course there are other dynamics at work).

Have others had experience of moving people after that period of time in one place and what happened?

As I dont need to tell anyone on this site, the slightest change of routine for my mother completely throws her (which is what happened recently, of necessity) and this has heightened the issues. On balance, I dont think she should move as I think it would completely unravel the security she has with people and things around her she knows but maybe others have experience of it being successfully done??

All thoughts today would be brilliant as we are all speaking later this morning. Sorry for short notice therefore but I just had a sudden panic about where else to go for outside advice and realised I could of course be most likely get some great help and advice from here. Thanks so much.

 

[turbo]

Hello longacre, I think that as your mum is settled where she is and you are happy with her care then it is better to leave your mum where she is.
The usual reasons for moving care home are because of unhappiness with the current care home or the care home no longer being able to cope with a resident or a relative being a long distance away. As you say your mum is the most important person to consider and she seems happy where she is. You have made the effort to look at alternatives for your mum so it's not as if you have ignored your other relative's wishes. Let us know how the meeting goes.


turbo

 

[zelana]

Hello longacre.

I think that as long as her current home are able to cope then she should stay where she is. It's probably a good idea to keep looking at specialist dementia units so you know what is available if she gets to the stage where her current home becomes unsuitable.

My Mum has been in a care home since November. She was placed there by SS after she'd been found wandering early one morning. The home isn't very convenient for me or my brothers to visit Mum so we'd hoped to move her once we got POA. In the meantime she has settled and is happy so we've decided to leave her there. The home is 37 miles from me but I don't drive so tomorrow I've got to do the mammoth trek by bus. I'll leave here just after 11 and will be home by 7. I'll have spent more time on buses than with Mum but she's happy and that's the most important thing.

 

[longacre]

I so appreciated your response Turbo which I saw just before we went off on what was a very long-winded trek to yet another EMI unit. It really gave me a boost and helped so much with the difficult conversation we all had today.

With the EMI unit, as always (in our experience), everything looks wonderful in the main place, lovely garden etc etc etc and then you come to the dementia unit and the depression sets in, as it is just another one of many, many we have seen. Lovely staff but depressing place. We came back feeling really miserable but also even more sure that she is in the right place. We have got this agreement at last after a very long call, so thank goodness it is all over. For now. Phew.

I find it all incredibly stressful and emotionally exhausting, but it is done and I am also feeling much stronger about saying ok please now back off and can we not keep going through this all again.

Thanks both of you for responding. I appreciated it very much.

 

[turbo]

Hello longacre, I'm pleased to read that your mum's care is sorted for the time being. It's difficult trying to keep everyone involved happy and even harder trying to make the 'right decisions' for a parent. Well Done to you for staying strong.


turbo