help please , my mother has the start of dementia

Discussion in 'Recently diagnosed and early stages of dementia' started by sandysan, Jul 12, 2014.

  1. sandysan

    sandysan Registered User

    Jul 12, 2014
    I am new here and looking or seeking some good advice , my mother has recently been diagnosed with vascular dimensia , and social services want her to go into a home for 2 weeks for respite , but we have had a lot of trouble with social services and myself and my mother feel as tho they want to palm her into a home , I have applied for power of attorney as I am her daughter , and im so scared I don't want her to go in a home she still is capable of making her own decisions but im scared incase she is forced into this home ,, at the moment her symptoms are getting a bit forgetfull , I would be gratefull for any help as this is really important ,

  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    Hello Sandysan and welcome to the forum.

    Respite is usually given so a carer can have a rest from caring. If you or your Mum don't want the respite then you don't have to have it. I am surprised they have offered it, usually we find ourselves fighting to get it when we really do need it. don't dismiss it all together, you may sometime in the future need the break, just to recharge your batteries and help you to continue to care.

    So right now while your Mum is in the early stages help her to live as normal a life as she can, help her maybe to join some groups that are understanding of her problems and will be helpful. Monthly Alzheimer's Society meetings and Carers Association meetings.

    We are here for you. We have a wealth of experience, we are all dealing with the same disease in all it's many forms so please join in, ask your questions or just pop on when you feel like a chat or a rant. Happy to listen any time,

    Take care,

  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello sandysan

    Do you know of any reason why Social Services [SS] want your mother to go into respite care? Respite care is not permanent. Might SS think you need a break?

    I doubt SS can force your mother to go into permeant care unless they feel she has lost capacity or is at risk and it does`t sound as if she is at that stage yet.

    Why don`t you phone the Dementia Helpline.
  4. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Just a thought. It might be handy for your mother to 'test' the waters so to speak. She can, hopefully, have a positive experience from the break. As jaymor has said there may come a time you or your mother may need the respite.
    Regards Terry
  5. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Just because your Mum has been diagnosed with Dementia there is no reason why she can't (at this time) make her own decisions. I do agree though that it's very strange that SS's are pushing this

    Take care

    Lyn T
  6. sandysan

    sandysan Registered User

    Jul 12, 2014

    hi guys

    its a very long story , my mother can be very difficult and turn people away , she is isolated and she sometimes refuses care , in her home , we also have had our fall outs because I myself wasn't aware that the things she was doing eg.. forgetting she said things ,, saying she didn't say things , made us have a big fall out , I was not told she had changes in her brain , its a very sad story really , and because mom refuses care sometimes at home , then complains about no care , if you understand , the cpn and social services said to mom that she needs to be cared for and to go to a home resptite for 2 weeks and see if she likes it ,,, but I know at the end of the day they are trying to get mom in a home ,, as she lives on her own and has many problems but my mother is a very very difficult person I hate to say but have to be honest , and it is also affecting me is a very stressfull time , but thankyou all for your advices and help I do appreciate it

  7. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    sandy, it does sound as though they have reason to suggest a break, and that's what respite is, like a holiday.

    You admit Mother is a very very difficult person I hate to say but have to be honest , and it is also affecting me is a very stressfull time

    Work with SS, enourage the break and take it from there
  8. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    Thank you for giving us some more information .

    Your Mum might like a couple of weeks respite, a bit like a holiday and she may see how good it is to accept some help and then settle back home and allow people to help her manage at home.

    If she has capacity then she can accept or decline what ever she wants.

    It is difficult to help someone who changes their mind at every turn but it is the nature of the disease and all you can do is keep your eye on Mum. Dementia can make the most placid person become difficult and hard to help.

    Please don't worry about her being put into a home. Unless something really, really serious happens and she is sectioned then where she lives is her decision. Constantly changing her mind, saying one thing and then denying it is not going to get her put into a home.

    Take care and keep posting,

  9. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    My MIL who lives with us now goes to respite every 8 weeks for 2 weeks. If asked she would say she hates it but the care home say she is the 'life and soul of the party'. So we don't feel guilty at all
  10. sandysan

    sandysan Registered User

    Jul 12, 2014

    thankyou lovely people , I will keep intouch

  11. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    Hi. The chances are if youre being offered help its a bonus that respite is so readily available..what needs to be clarified is the reasons for using it and clearly if it would benefit your relative.
    If your mum?..has capacity? theres not a judge in the land could make her do anything..not respite nor leave her home...capacity is the wording that causes all stumbling blocks.

    I always say take a deep breath we were all newbies to dealing with dementia and it is frightening my situation my mums very pro being at home for my dad..but wont accept propper help but I can run myself ragged..
    How is your mum coping in the the house suitable and will it be suitable as the symptoms worsen?..they can be very attached to their homes its a bit easier if its owned by a council or housing association..because a they have supported housing officers to help and b if they ever need to leave and dont want to its easier to explain a move...its amazing how explsining something to aloved one with dementia for example..drs appointment..check on your diagnosis is panic causing but just assisting the dr with updating his records was ok...they always say its how you say it!!..just remember you need to look after yourself too!

  12. sandysan

    sandysan Registered User

    Jul 12, 2014
    hi hen

    my mother at the moment has full capacity of making her own decisions , she was diagnosed via a brain scan with vascular dementia , very slight , so just beginning ,

    but !!!!!

    social services want her to go into a respite home with a view to permanent , they don care for her at home , she has a breakfast done via carers , she is a diabetic , and no social services or care go in to do her washing , bathing , change of bed ect ,
    as I said its a very sad and long story , I have applied for power of attorney for health and welfare , as social services say to me that they cant discuss my moms care plan with me , so im hoping that power of attorney will give me the right to know whats going on ,
    I don't really know what power of attorney laws will give me but im hoping I can have some say about the care of my mother ,
  13. mommycancook

    mommycancook Registered User

    Jul 17, 2014
    Hi, my family is also new to this illness, I am also looking for a lot of support. Instructables has a little graph to help people who have a parent who has dementia.
  14. sandysan

    sandysan Registered User

    Jul 12, 2014
    i cant cope its making me depressed i dont know what to do

    hi guys
    I am feeling so depressed I don't know what to do , I don't think I can accept my moms got dementia , that we found out recently , she is swearing now and being abusive and nasty to me , and now we have fell out and its made me depressed the way she is acting , I cant take it , I don't have any support I don't know where to go for it , social services don't really want to know my mother as they say she is abusive, she is 80 years old , she doesn't have no proper care or cleaning done for her , I have put my mom first before my house and family but it doesn't seem to be enough for her , now I am getting really frightened myself . when shes alright shes alright , she has a lovely home and I don't want her to go in a home as she will be very difficult sometimes to cope with with her demands , and she is a young 80 year old really , she has been throwing in my face for years that everything is my fault , shes going to dies because of me , and she has drummed that into my head and im scared for when she does die that I am going to hold that with me ,
    and myself and my hubby have doen everything we possible can for her decorated taken her out shopping ect , I ma just in bed all day now I don't want to go out or do anything and I don't want to go to my moms im scared and I don't like it , what can I do ?
  15. SoyHJ

    SoyHJ Registered User

    Mar 16, 2013
    Hi, I can't really give you any advice and there are others on here with much more knowledge and experience than me. I just wanted to say hold on in there. I know what it's like to be at the receiving end of violent tempers and outbursts as my husband had this at the beginning. Thankfully it seems to have been a phase that has passed now. Also I know how hard it can be to understand the constant changing the mind all the time.

    You will get through this even though, at the moment, you think you can't.
  16. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    #16 BR_ANA, Sep 22, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2014
  17. yadit0

    yadit0 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    My Mum was diagnosed with Dementia a few weeks ago, Today I took her to a local Day centre as she is becoming isolated and does not go out of her own home, and is ringing me constantly saying she is lonely the visit was just to look around and meet the helpers etc. After only a few moments she looked at me and angrily said what have you brought me here for there all old people (mums 86) then there became an embarrassing moment when she said something "I am not like these people" !! I have to take her home. When we got home she said I want to go back to that place and try it...Should I take her again??
  18. sandysan

    sandysan Registered User

    Jul 12, 2014
    very depressed in need of some help on updated information

    hi guys
    my mother has had phnumonia and they think she may have had another tiny stroke but the brain scan seems to not have changed from 3 months ago when she had a big clot on her brain and a stroke ,,,

    two years ago she was diagnosed with slight vascular dementia , update is ,

    she is in hospital again because she had phnumonia and suspected stroke but when she came out of hospital 3 months ago and returned home , she was refusing care and being abusive to carers and even to the stage shw would tell them to get out and help them out the door , it remained like this till 3 weeks ago she is now in hospital , hence the above ,,,,
    I being her daughter am really scared I went up the hospital the other day to hear her say to me with very much aggression "I hate you with all my heart " get out of here I never want to see you again " I know my mom has deteriorated but they said that she still has 100% capacity , I mentioned respite to the ss workers and the hospital for mom to have a rest be taken care of to see if she will get any better , as don't want her to go in a home , I know that sounds selfish , but I don't thnk mom would ever like to be in a home and I hear so much about there care homes on the news ect ,

    now the hospital have changed there minds and said she has fluctuating capacity ,
    I do hold lasting power of attorney for my mom , but I feel so alone no one to help me and guilty of things , ect im virtually loosing my mind here, they sort of want her in a home now because if she goes home she will refuse the care ,
    where do I go .what do I do . where do I start, all I am doing is crying and feeling very scared but don't know what im scared of ,,
    I have an older sister who never got on with my mother I have told her she is ill but she hasn't replied to me , but at least ive told her ,

    please help im lost and feeling very depressed


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