Help Please, don't know what to do

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by susanandliam, Jan 11, 2016.

  1. susanandliam

    susanandliam Registered User

    Dec 10, 2012
    So this is where I am now!

    Having cared for my Mum long distance 288 miles away from each other arranging carers to give her medication all her doctors appointment etc. etc. since she was diagnosed with Alzheimers just over four years ago she's 88 years old. I work full time but went up regularly to spend long weekends with her and take her to the memory clinic and any other medical appointments, phoned her every day et. etc.

    Anyway I noticed earlier this year Mum was declining more falls, constant UTI's and I wasn't happy with the carers. Agreed with brother (who lives 20mins to half hour from Mum) that I would take sabbatical for six months from work in July to care for Mum.

    Mum was much worse than I thought, I had her assessed by Social Care and the Mental Health care team and to cut a long story short Mum was deemed unsafe (she wanders at night) to remain in her own home, it was agreed that Mum should go into a home.

    I bought Mum home for Christmas and we had a lovely time and returned my Mum for New Year to my brother as agreed. He also said he would look after Mum for the 10 days holiday that my husband and I had booked starting on Thursday.

    I have had a dreadful time not because of Mums Alzheimer's but the total lack of support of my brother. He refuses still to acknowledge that Mum wasn't safe, or how unwell she is. I had to put up with him doubting everything I was saying while there and a complete lack of support from him. He even accused the doctors etc. of being wrong! This was the only reason I had to get Social Care involved (Mum will be self funding) as he wouldn't listen to me.

    Anyway I had looked at homes both local to Mum and me and gave him feedback. my brother refused to even look until a week ago and when he finally did emailed three close to him with no feedback last week.

    He made it very difficult for me to speak to Mum when she was with him, she was getting distressed and asking for me (according to the Social Worker) and barely a week after we had dropped her off I received a call asking us to pick her up. This is despite the fact that both he and Social Care knew there was no rooms available at the home I had suggested as being best for Mum.

    I must add that I have been diagnosed with stress and depression which has been caused by my brother. He and Social Care are aware that I'm not well.

    My husband took a day off of work and we drove the 11 hours there and back on Friday to bring Mum back home with us, she was shaky and confused but seemed so happy to see me.

    Prior to this I rushed round looking at other homes local to me who had spaces and found one about 20 miles away which I have booked Mum into tomorrow on the understanding that Mum can be transferred to the home nearer to me when they have a space.

    Mum has been quite happy here in our home but now I don't know what to do should I take her to the home so I can have a holiday and risk her becoming worse? Or should I keep her here with me at home for the next two weeks hoping that a space comes up in the preferred home before I have to go to work?

    I have thought about keeping her at home but our property is so small and to be honest I feel really unwell at the moment I'm not sure that I can do it.

    I really only want to do what is best for Mum but I don't know what to do.
  2. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I think that you need to put your own health first at the moment. You are doing your absolute best for your Mum and have made some very clear plans and you really need that holiday. You won't be any good to her if you aren't well and she would find it difficult to manage without your support so you need to be number one!!

    She will be well looked after while you have your break, nothing is set in stone and you can deal with it all when you have had a holiday.

    That is just my opinion but I think you are doing a fantastic job and you need that holiday xx
  3. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    I agree with fizzie. This could well be the breathing space you need to come to a decision about longer term arrangements. Then hopefully your waste of space brother won't need to come into the equation at all.
  4. Spiro

    Spiro Registered User

    Mar 11, 2012
    Have the home done a proper assessment of your Mum? A new resident should be assessed, even if it's for respite.

    The last thing you want is to go on holiday and then receive a phone call because of some unforeseen situation or emergency.

    I don't wish to alarm you, but please bear in mind the home is a business.

    They should have assessed her at your home, or on a visit to the home for the day or at the very least for lunch - that's a common way of assessing someone. That gives the manager the opportunity to see how the potential resident fits in and adapts to the new environment.
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    I hope you've opted to continue with your holiday plans and that you have a lovely time

    Spiro may have a point - however, IMO your brother should be the port of call for any concerns the care home may have for the duration of your holiday; leave the manager his number not yours - if there's a very real emergency your brother can contact you

    it would seem that he now does realise the extent of your mum's needs, having called you, earlier than you all agreed, to take her out of his home - it seems to me it's the least he can do to deal with any issues while you are away

    leave all this at home when you go and enjoy your break
  6. susanandliam

    susanandliam Registered User

    Dec 10, 2012
    Thank you Fizzie it helps put my mind at rest
  7. susanandliam

    susanandliam Registered User

    Dec 10, 2012
    Thank you x
  8. susanandliam

    susanandliam Registered User

    Dec 10, 2012
    Thank you for your advice, I was still in complete confusion as to what to do today. I felt I am at fault whatever I try and do:( but peoples comments on here have helped me plus I have spoken to the home today which has helped me a great deal.

    So unless something untoward happens in the meantime I think we will now go on holiday. Its put so much pressure on me and my husband it's been almost unbearable.

    It's a good idea to leave the manager my brothers contact details as I was only give them mine and my daughters who lives locally and then come home if there was a problem.

    Thank you again
  9. susanandliam

    susanandliam Registered User

    Dec 10, 2012

    Thank you Spiro for your advice.

    Mum has been assessed by the home that she was due to go in and as this respite one is a sister home they have sent the details of Mums assessment through to them. I took her to the preferred home at Christmas and she was assessed as well as went to a tea dance and lunch (with myself and my husband still there). They also let us take her for a Jacuzzi bubble bath at no charge as we were having trouble getting mum into our bath over Christmas they were so very kind to Mum and me.


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