1. gillnilsen

    gillnilsen Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007
    Hello, wonder if any one can help me, my lovely mum has alzheimers, and is living with my brother and his partner, they moved in with her when she came out of hospital after 16 weeks last year, my brother who is 48 and has a history of drinking heavy can't deal with my mum, and leaves the caring to his partner who is finding it extremely difficult, dealing with my mum and his drinking, I am not down as a carer but go there every night from work and help out where ever I can, but I work full time (they don't work at all) he comes home drunk every night and verbally abuses my mum, and his partner telling the pair of them "He wants a life" but in front of the social worker he looks like an idea son, I have wrote to the social worker, spoke to her several times, but she now states that all I am trying to do is get my mum put away, and he is trying his best to keep her in the family home. Anyone got any hints / help what I can do to protect my mum:
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Gillnilsen, welcome to TP.

    It does sound as if your mum is not in an ideal situation. Your brother's partner is in a difficult position too, trying to cope with your mum and your brother.

    Your best bet would be to talk to your brother's partner. If you can persuade her to talk to the SW, and tell her how difficult she's finding it, it might make a difference. She could ask for a carers assessment for herself.

    Does your mum own the house? If so, it could have to be sold to fund her care if she moved into a NH. This could leave your brother in a difficult situation.

    I can understand how worried you are about leaving your mum in such a situation. Perhaps the AS helpline could help? The number is 0845 300 0336.
  3. gillnilsen

    gillnilsen Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007

    Its A bit difficult, when I'm there she says she will talk to the social worker, when the social worker is there and my brother is there she won't say anything, he is a big bloke and has been handy with his hands over the years, and I think she is frightened of him, so its easier not to say anything

    My brother has put himself down as the main carer, and his partner is claiming disability living allowance, so can't put her correct name down, as she is supposed to be not able to work herself, let alone be a carer.

    My mu cries every day, and keeps saying to me "please get me out of here" I don't like that man I am frightened of him
  4. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire
    Could you talk to your Mum's GP. Or CPN, if she has one?

    Does she have a Consultant Psychiatrist, whom you could talk to?

    If none of the above apply then there are organisations.
    Age Concern, have info about abuse of elderly people.

    I think your brother's treatment of your mother can't be helping her condition.

    Speaking from experience of brothers who have an addicition, I wouldn't leave my parents, to be looked after by my brother.
    All be it, your brothere's partener is doing her best, but she has problems dealing with your brother.

    I am sorry, if I have been a bit brutal in my reply, but as I said, I wouldn't trust my brother's capabilities to care for anyone, that is, other than himself, even if he had the best of intensions.

    Think hard
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I have moved his post to its` own Thread as I fear it will get `lost` in the middle of Roseann`s Thread.
  6. gillnilsen

    gillnilsen Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007
    My mum has a GP, but I just feel like I am causing trouble all the time, the Gp will then go to see my mum, brother and his partner, and mum won't say anything when they are there, my brother can be charming (when he is not drunk) and his partner will agree with him and act as if nothing is wrong. I have had meetings with social workers, a care manager from the day centre, and a lady from the Alzheimers and made the point that he drinks and sometimes so does she. But again it looked like I was trying to cause trouble, and when someone in authority is there my mum says things like You are not putting me in a home, I want to stay here, yet when she is there with them, she tells me You have to get me out of here, I don't like it, I'm frightened of that man.
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear gillnilsen

    I don`t think it looks like you are trying to make trouble at all. I think you are very concerned about your mother.

    But no-one can be made to go into a home if they say they don`t want to. The next time your mother asks you to `get her out`, you must tell her she must back you up when you ask for help, or nothing will be done.

    I would contact all the people you have seen before, put your fears in writing, in confidence, so they won`t disclose what you say, and ask them to see your mother once again to see if she will agree to care.

    Perhaps you could go to the day centre and talk to the care manager with your mother, so she will be able to speak freely.

    Take care xx
  8. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    You could try contacting this organisation, who, as the name suggests, specialise in dealing with abuse of the elderly

    tel 0808 808 8141

    I think you also need to think about what you want to happen to your mother. Do you want your brother and his partner to move out of her home? In which case who will look after her? Do you think she is capable of living alone or would she need to go into residential care?

    I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I think these are things you need to think about. I expect you already have, in which case I apologise for pointing out the obvious!

    I hope you manage to resolve this as it is obvious that you are very concerned for your mother's welfare. I do sympathise as I have a brother and I would hate my mother to be at his mercy!
  9. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    Is your Mum telling you she is being vebally abused, is it your brothers partner who is telling you or have you seen it for yourself?
    If your brother and his partner are shouting and arguing in front of your Mum then it will make your Mum very anxious.
    This enviroment is not a good one for an AZ sufferer.
    Your Mum does not want to 'get out of there' she wants a quiet life and the shouting to stop.
    Talk to your Mums neighbours, you might be surprised what they see and hear.
    You are not trying to cause trouble, you are worried about your mums welfare.
    Drunken bullies are very good at portraying 'Mr Nice Guy' especially to someone who hasn't a clue how they operate.

    Your Brothers partner needs to face up to this situation as it is only she who can pull the plug on your Brother, who I am sure you love, but your Mum has to come first.

    Good luck
    Janetruth x
  10. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007

    What a difficult time for you.

    My previous partner was an alcoholic and I know what you mean as he too could put on a fabulous performance when needs be (although he was not a violent man).

    I think you need to stick to your guns on this one - your brother is probably in real denial about is problem and as I know from personal experience, the partner can start to do this as well.

    Your mum's safety is paramount and you must do all you can to protect her.

    I assume the social workers inform your brother when they are coming out so he is prepared to either be sober or act like he is. If the social worker does not believe you can you ask her to do an un-notified visit - turn up at a time when your brother is likely to have been drinking? Evening or weekend etc?
  11. martin77

    martin77 Registered User

    Jun 29, 2006
    Sorry to hear about this. I can relate to this situation. I am the partner of someone who cares for the their Mum who has demeintia. We live with her too, and moved the menght of the country to be neare as my wife was so worried. Unfortunately my mil's behaviour has got so unpredicatable and at times nasty that i'm on the verge of leaving. It's got to the point now where I'm verbally abused by my mil for no reason, she has delusions that I'm doing things I'm not and 4 days of the last 5 I've been verbally attacked by her for completely false accusations against me. Fortunately I've not lost my temper and i just now spend as much time out the house as possible. But I'm totally angry and fed up.

    I caknowledge my own shortcomings with delaing with this but turning my life, job and finances upside down, moving 300 miles way from my home and ruining my marriage seems too big a price to pay for caring for my in law.

    I'm not exscusing any abusive behaviour or what seems to be your brothers inappropriate behaviour but perhaps the brother here also needs some support??? Too much pressure can potentially lead to inapprpriate behaviour/alcoholism??

    I know I feel completely isolated from any support even though this case of dementia is having a hugely negative impact on my life and marriage.

    Dementia takes it's toll on everyone.
  12. gillnilsen

    gillnilsen Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007
    #12 gillnilsen, Jan 1, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2008
    Well, Happy New Year to every one

    I have previously posted back in November, but its the start of a new year, and hey here goes all the problems again.

    When I [reviously posted, I was saying about my brother and now at my wits end. My brother and his partner live in my mums flat, he is down as her main carer, but has now decided "he wants a life" and has gone back to work leaving his partner to look after my mum, I work full time and can't pack up work as I have recently got divorced and in major debt, I go to my mums every night from 7 and stay there till she goes to bed, which is normally around 10. Christmas has been a nightmare, as he has not had to go to work, but the pub is open, and god has he been there, yesterday he was drinking all day, I had arranged to go out last night, and he obviously came home very drunk and very abusive, his partner range my mobile, and recorded the conversation on my mobile answerphone, where I could hear him swearing, my mum crying, his partner saying she was leaving, a terrible situation, he stayed out all night, my mum says she does not want to go into a home, and he his the main carer so social workers won't talk to me without his permission, and I am so worried, god knows what my mum is going through, I feel I have completely let her down, and can't help her, and she keeps saying to me, please help me, don't let me be like this, I want to die, etc

    Last point, I read the comments from Martin, and yes I believe that my brother should have help, but when help is offered, he flares into a rage, and goes to the pub, causing all sorts of mayhem in his path. An example I can think of about his drinking is:- on christmas day he went to the pub lunch time, came home for dinner, had about 10 tins of beer and a whole bottle of gin (in the afternoon) and went back out at 8 - till gone midnight, and then we just don't say anything to him - just in case he starts, I have tried having a family meeting, and got my mums social worker, health visitor and a Alzheimers case worker in the meeting, and said openly about I thought my mum was getting too much for the pair of them to look after her properly, and they both said - it was not a problem looking after her, they don't want her to go into care and they are willing "whatever it takes" to care for her.

    Any suggestions
  13. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear gillnilsen,
    This is so unacceptable and I was going to suggeat that you recorded you Mother on what she is actually saying of her concerns. You state it is on you machine so in my personal opinion I would use it to show S.W. Doctor, anyone who is involved in your Mother's case.
    You must be beside yourself with worry.
    Have you thought abut ringing the Alzheimer's Legal Depratment? They can give you some valueable help.
    I wish you all the very best.
  14. gillnilsen

    gillnilsen Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007
    Never known about the legal department, maybe I will give them a try, am so worried, she is so upset all the time, and just hangs her head and says Gillian, do something get me out of her, I don't like it here, they don't like me, they don't want me here

    Thanks for replying, I will contact the legal department
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    You definitely need some help here, your mum is at risk. It's a good suggestion, to try the AS legal department as soon as they open.

    They may suggest going to your own solicitor to see if you can get the POA overturned. Your brother is not a fit person to be looking after your mum. I imagine that if you are in debt you would get legal aid for this, but AS will advise you.

    I also think a threat of legal action to SS may make them sit up and take notice. They have after all a duty of care, and leaving a sick person in the charge of someone who drinks like that is definitely not caring.

    I do hope you can get something sorted out, this must be so worrying for you.

    Please let us know.
  16. gillnilsen

    gillnilsen Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007
    He has not got POA I have Appointee, he is just down as the primary carer, would like make a differance.
  17. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi Gillian, the question that is rattling round for me is 'What is your brother's motivation in looking after your mother?' I wonder whether there is any way to meet his needs another way - and that falling out of that the most appropriate care for your mother can be found? If his motivation is genuine love and concern (which one would hope) than that's going to be difficult ..... drunk or not - to persuade him that the care your mother is receiving from them is not appropriate. I am sorry to be so cynical and cast aspertions on your brother - but that level of drinking must require a huge chunk of money to finance on a regular basis? Presumably by living with your mum, he is gaining (or saving) financially? I noted in your first post you mentioned your brother coming home drunk everyday even when he was not working? How was that funded? (Sorry, not expecting you to answer these questions - just illustrating my line of thinking .......)

    As well as gaining on advice from your mother's point of view, it might be worth contacting Al-Anon and approaching the problem that way? It sounds like you and your brother's partner might gain support from them in any event. You could also try the local 'Community Alcohol Team' (your own GP should be able to give you details) for advice .......

    I am assuming this is a Hobson's choice situation? You are unable to look after your mother for your own reasons (and don't beat yourself up about that - we all have other obligations in life to balance), your mother has expressed she does not want to go into a home and there appears to be no alternative other than your brother? But there may be alternatives to explore ...... could your mother live independently with a support package in place if your brother were 're-housed' ? Sorry, more questions than any advice .... just trying to cast a different light on it ..........

    Please let us know how you get on ...............

    Love, Karen, x
  18. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Gill, as far as I know 'primary carer' has no legal (or even moral) bearing. As I see it, without POA your brother has no more rights than you, and SS have no right to ignore your concerns. As appointee, I would have thought you would have been consulted first.

    I'm not a legal expert, though, but I do think you should clarify the position with AS legal dept.

    Good luck,
  19. gillnilsen

    gillnilsen Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007
    My brother has not got POA, I have appointee though, does this make any difference.
  20. gillnilsen

    gillnilsen Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007
    #20 gillnilsen, Jan 1, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2008

    Can answer a couple of your questions, when he first moved in with my mum, he was living with his partner, but she is on DLA and is supposed not to have any one living with her, so basically he wanted an excape route, and so living in London, he previously lived in Slough, was an escape, you see he had borrowed money (quite a bit of it) and then came to London, no one know where he went, he basically just disappeared, he then claims for carers allowance, and then went on the dole, but then found a job that pays cash in hand, and I give them (him and his partner £60 from my mums pension to help with things like food, but I also pay the rent, and all the bills from her pension, so basically he is living there rent and bill free, so what he earns and gets from the social, is drink money.

    Mum cannot live independently, she can't even find the toilet and we have a two bedroom flat, she can only walk with the aid of a walking frame, and you have to direct her, she could not make herself anything or walk unaided, thanks for your thoughts - it really helps me. Gill

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