1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. markhome

    markhome Registered User

    Mar 1, 2007
    2
    Warrington UK
    My Nan was diagnosed with dementia in late Jan after a couple of years of no real diagnosis. She went into hospital and that brought things to a head. She come to live with me and my mum, so we could look after her. She did not like the idea of living with us permanently but could clearly not manage on her own any longer. After a social services review she agreed to stay long term.

    Now she keeps changing her mind and saying she wants to go home. She is getting very aggresive and hurtful with her comments. Last night she picked away at both of us and then accused us of starting an argument. She said some horrible things then got her coat on and tried to get out of the house saying she was going to walk hom (8 miles). We are now very stressed, has anyone dealt with this type of situation.

    Many Thanks
    Mark
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Mark dear, sorry that you and mum are going through this with your nan.

    Unfortunately it is very common. This is not what you want to hear I know, but as the illness progresses some people do have great difficulty in "settling".
    It could be that even if nan were to be in her own home she would still want to go......'home' is often the first place they lived, however many years ago.

    Please do not take it personally anything that nan says at these times. She is probably confused and frustrated. Try to have patience, (easier said than done sometimes:eek: ) and talk it through again with Social services.

    Take care now,
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Mark

    I've nothing to add to what Nada and Connie have said. The symptoms are normal for your nan's stage of dementia, though no easier to deal with for that.

    Do you and your mum get help from social services? If not, you should ask for an assessment. It might take some of the pressure off your mum.

    Take care,

    Love,
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    Hi Mark,
    I`m sorry you are experiencing such upsetting behaviour.

    If it`s any consolation to you, my husband and I have been married nearly 44 years, and always lived together in the same house. He too wants to go `home`.

    It`s really hurtful I know, especially as we are trying to do our best to help them feel loved and protected, but it seems to be part and parcel of the condition.

    Does this usually happen late afternoon, early evening? If so, I believe it is called `sundowning`. If it does happen at that time, perhaps you could distract your Nan, by saying `it`s too late,` or` it`s too dark,` and `we can go tomorrow`.

    I know that may sound deceitful, but it`s just a way to calm the situation down.

    All the best
     
  5. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Mark

    My Dad talks about going home, but to the home where he lived approx 65 years ago.

    However, whenever my Mum is challenged or something has upset her, or she believes someone has stolen her biscuits, bananas etc, or she is bored, fed-up, she threatens to go home, she can't tell you where it is, but does remember she has one. We haven't sold their house yet.

    When my parents first came here to live, Mum wanted to go home, "just to see it" so we took her, leaving Dad here, knowing she wouldn't stay, without him
    She went into her own house and said "this is horrible, too dark, lets go"

    The trick is not to bite or show it upsets you. Try to learn coping strategies, they can't help it and don't mean what they say and will have soon forgotten about it anyway, although might be aware that something is wrong.

    This is a very steep learning curve, but you will learn loads on TP. I have

    Alfjess

    PS. I guess, you can tell by the amount of posts I am replying to that Mum and Dad are in respite.

    It is a very steep learning curve
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Alfjess

    How is it going? Hope you haven't had any more trouble.

    Love,
     
  7. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Skye

    Thanks for asking, no more trouble.

    Thank goodness

    Alfjess
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london


    Nada that is so true - she wants to feel content again .

    why not if she gets so upset again like that go with her
    Don’t try to reason with her to stay with you as she won’t see logic when she upset , get your coat and say your going with her , but you would really like her to stay and does she mind if you go with her as you could do with a walk , hopefully half way to bus stop she go back home to your home with you
     
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Registered User

    Feb 12, 2007
    55
    In the beginning I tried to reason with my mother when she wanted to go 'home'. I eventually came to realise how fruitless this was - both of us just ended up upset. Now I try to use distraction techniques.
     
  10. markhome

    markhome Registered User

    Mar 1, 2007
    2
    Warrington UK
    Further developments

    Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and wors of wisdom - unfortunately things gradually got worse and thats why its took me time to reply.

    Things where so bad yesterday we had to get an immediate assessment under the MHA which has resulted in my nan being sectioned and admitted to hospital.

    We know she is in the best place but it does not help the guilt.

    Once again thanks for all your support
     
  11. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Mark

    Sorry about your Nan, she is in the best place, maybe they can get medication sorted to help and calm your Nan

    Alfjess
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    Dear Mark,
    I`m so sorry it had to come to this, but you did the right thing for your own peace of mind and your Nan`s safety.

    Hopefully, she will be given the right medication to calm her down and then things will improve for her.

    Don`t feel guilty. You know you have done everything in her best interests.

    Please let us know how it goes for her.

    With love
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Mark

    Sorry about your Nan. It has all blown up so quickly, you and your mum must be very upset.

    But don't feel guilty. Your Nan is in a safe place, and is being looked after. You have done the best thing for her.

    Take care, and let us know how you get on.

    Love,
     

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