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Help needed. Verbally and physically aggressive father.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by uktoday, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. uktoday

    uktoday Registered User

    Jan 2, 2013
    Hello. Not sure what to do. Father has alzheimers but He is Verbally And Physically aggressive to Mum Who Is His carer.

    He isn't THAT forgetful at moment but his mood swings can be very aggressive. I live away from home and I am worried for her safety. Not sure what to do or what I should do.

    Mum does EVERYTHING. We know there is help out there but he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Even the mention of dementia and he will fly into a rage so we cannot get respite care because it wouldnt be worth a week of violence and threats afterwards.

    Considering getting him committed but that breaks my heart to think of him in a mental hospital.

    I really don't know what to do. Any advice or knowledge would be appreciated.

    Based in the UK.
  2. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    sorry to read about such a hard time you and your parents are having, I have been in a similar situation with my parents and it is traumatic for all. absolutely nothing we said or did caused the violence and nothing we said or did could help, dad used to shut himself in the shed or the bathroom with the phone to avoid mum's wrath.
    I often felt that there was legitimate cause for mum's anger but that it was the illness she was angry with rather than us. But it didn't mean it was ok.

    First of all make sure your mum is safe as possible, get a couple of bolts put on door in a room, and have a phone in there so she has somewhere to go to call for help. Take your dad out or can you be there while this is done so that he doesn't see it happen.

    Can you ask for a referral to a specialist geriatric psychiatrist? Lie to your dad and get him there? (then stay with them after if he is likely to get angry) In the end my mum had antipsychotics to stop the violence which enabled her to continue to be cared for at home, I am not advocating this as a first choice, it was a last choice to avoid her killing dad or both of them, there are many people who are very against this but I wonder whether they have experienced attempted murder on a repeated basis.

    Take seriously the possibility that your dad will need to be sectioned and that this will get him the help he needs, that is the aim of the sectioning, not putting away for ever as it used to be.
  3. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Should he become violent again, do not hesitate, call the police.
    They have the power, and contacts to act.

  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Please take sistermillicent`s advice. Your mum needs a safe place where she can walk away.

    I used to tell my husband I didn’t deserve being spoken to in that way and then i would go into our bedroom. If he was persistent I would lock the door.

    After a while I would take him a cup of tea and not mention anything. He would have calmed down by then.
  5. uktoday

    uktoday Registered User

    Jan 2, 2013

    Thanks for this advice

    Dad increasingly getting agitated and tonight accused me of sleeping with his wife. Not physically violent but the rage in his face was terrifying.

    To make things worse we are on holiday at the moment out of the country. (Not my idea but gave in and came along as thought mum needed break).

    Absolutely terrified what the morning will bring.

    Considering getting him sectioned on return to the UK.

    He will never forgive us though.
  6. ITBookworm

    ITBookworm Registered User

    Oct 26, 2011
    Before Dementia would Dad have ever forgiven himself for frightening his wife and son in this way though :(:(:(

    You are not considering this to be nasty to Dad but to try and help him. He can't be happy in himself with all this paranoia and anger.

    Hugs to you and your Mum and I hope that you are able to sort out something to calm Dad down as soon as possible.
  7. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    You must do right by your Mum and her safety, yourself and own safety.
    This will lead to doing right for him. He may never appreciate this. But he will be safe and probably better looked after than you could ever manage.


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