Help needed urgently

[emily23]

Hi All, I have posted once on here before, this is a new post. Things have moved on with my parents, my father clearly has dementia, but refuses to go to the Memory Clinic, says they are all against him, and refuses to engage. He has gone downhill during lockdown, very forgetful, argumentative, confused. My mother has become his carer, but things have been going rapidly downhill. For the last 2 weeks she has been very ill and not able to get out of bed in the mornings due to pain all over her body. The GP is involved and trying to get her back to some form of health. She is on her knees, when she cannot get out of bed nothing happens in the house, he cannot cook or do anything at all. Today she had a really bad turn, instead of calling 111/999, he called her friend who lives a few miles away, she rushed round to the house and called an ambulance, but the time the ambulance got there, she had improved a bit, and refused to go to hospital as she said she couldn't leave my father alone overnight. She didn't tell the paramedics about this , only told me afterwards.

She has told the GP all about the problems with him (memory, verbal aggression, refusal to do anything, unreasonable, telling her she is making stuff up), last week and has been added to the MDT caseload. She is a fall risk and Adult Social Care will be doing a OT assessment for her as soon as someone is available, she's at the top of the priority list. He is not due to be assessed for anything because he doesn't want to be assessed as he refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong.

Tonight she was crying on the phone again, saying she cannot cope any longer, that soon she may well walk out but she has nowhere to go etc. She had covid 19 in recent months, and has severe osteoporosis. My father doesn't acknowledge that there are any problems and doesn't understand her situation. I have contacted Social Care 3 times last week, and emailed /spoke to the GP about my mother, I cannot specifically raise concerns about my father as he will go absolutely mad if he finds out.

What are our options for getting assistance to cope with his behaviour without any cooperation from his side? My concern is that if she is not able to keep looking after him, he will not be able to function. At the moment it feels like it is just a matter of time before some kind of disaster falls on them but without his cooperation, it seems like no-one can do anything to improve things before this happens.

I would be grateful for any advice, I am finding this very difficult.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @emily23

Contact Dementia Connect first thing to orrow and see what they advise.

Dementia support services

Alzheimer's Society provides help and hope to anyone affected by dementia. Call our support line, join our online community, find support in your local area or get dementia information.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Lonnon]

Hi I am by no means an expert. My mum is due at memory clinic on 7th Dec. I have decided if she refuses to go or does not cooperate I am going to wait until the next time she is completely irrational and call 999.

I have had to leave my family and move in with my parents. My dad has advanced Parkinsons and is a complete sweetie my mum has dementia of some description and has turned into a complete bitch she is a danger to herself and others. I moved in because my dad became ill and mum did nothing if I had not turned up I believe she would have let him die.

so one way or another she is going to get help sorry to all those who disagree with my decision..

I wish you all the best my dad even with complex needs is a complete joy. My mum can’t help her actions or so I am told has complex needs and is a complete nightmare.

 

[Frank24]

Try and speak to Admiral Nurses. They have been really helpful to me in the past. You could also contact your local memory clinic and find out what they would advise in this situation with your Dad. It sounds very difficult and stressful. I hope you get him sorted. Take care

 

[emily23]

Thank you for your suggestions. I still haven't been able to get anywhere as mum is too scared of him to do anything and he won't let anyone in the house to help. Has refused carers and mum desperately needs respite,, which she refuses as says can't leave him on his own. GP is aware. Very distressing to be dealing with this, and facing block after block after block. I am worried about where this is going.

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm sorry to read that your mum's situation hasn't improved at all. Would your dad allow carers into the house if he thought they were to help your mum? I know many have managed to arrange for help through subterfuge.

 

[emily23]

Thanks for your reply. No he won't, he doesn't seem to understand how ill she has been. When I suggest help for her, he says 'we are managing', even though he does nothing at all to help in the house.
She can be ill in bed, or unable to get out of chair, and he insists she get up for his breakfast, meds etc

 

[silkiest]

Hi @emily23
I am so sorry that this situation has gone on so long, you must be worried and worn out. I presume you have been down all the normal channels and tried to get social services involved. Could you persuade your mum that the only way to get help for your dad would be to move out ? This would keep her safe and should precipitate a crisis where the authorities would have to get involved with your dad.
The only other option I can think of is the police. What your mum is suffering is domestic abuse. Police are not just there to prosecute, which is obviously not appropriate in this situation. I am thinking that police also have a duty of care to your mum, they may be able to put pressure on social services to intervene. Many areas have community officers - they may be able to offer you support and advice.

 

[emily23]

Hello and thank you for your post. Yes I am exhausted and not sleeping with stress. I have suggested that, but she won't leave him on his own, when I have suggested carers, she says he won't allow them in, and if they were there, he would ignore them and refuse to pay for them.
Police is the last resort, although I have considered it, as I do see it as you have described.
I am hoping gp will do something, but I don't know what.

 

[lollyc]

I'm not sure what a GP could do.
I know it sounds harsh, but, as @silkiest says, the only way your dad will get any help is if the source of his current care is removed - that's your mum - and he can be considered a "vulnerable person".
Your mum needs to understand that she cannot continue like this - it may well kill her, or at least result in her being in hospital - and then there will be no choice.
Would they be self-funding? We have local companies that provide "personal assistants" - carers, but no uniforms. I would be inclined to tell dad that your mum is coming to stay with you for a couple of weeks to recover, and a nice local lady / gentleman (personal assistant) is coming to make him lunch every day. If he refuses to let them in, tell SS he is a vulnerable person and they have a duty of care. No, your dad won't like it, but at least you can provide your mum with a much needed break, and decide how to move forward.
At the end of the day, nothing will force your dad to accept help, but your mum is also suffering, and can be helped.
Dementia is ****. All logic, reason and empathy goes out of the window. You can see that the very simple solution to this is to have carers, to support both your parents. Your dad will never see that - dementia does not let him.
You can only do your best, and accept that it will not be perfect, because dementia doesn't allow it to be so.

 

[emily23]

Thank you for this, it is very helpful.
My dad gets angry when I try to suggest things. It usually ends in a row and I end up in tears on the journey home. I think if I suggest that (tried to get her to come and stay 2 weeks ago), he will not let her and say she's needed there.
She absolutely refuses to leave, even when she's on her own knees unwell, and he's completely oblivious.
I can try again, but I do think I will be met with same response. 'your mother isn't going anywhere, she's needed here".

 

[lollyc]

Does your mum understand that her own health is potentially at risk? Can she understand that having a break and recuperating would enable her to continue caring for your dad? Are you able to talk to her privately, without your dad overhearing? Perhaps the time has come for less (no) carrot, and more stick! Don't discuss, simply say this is how it is going to be. I appreciate you can't actually abduct your mother, but she may find it easier to comply if you say it isn't up for debate. Maybe lie and say that her doctor has said she must have a break?
But don't feel guilty if you can't make it happen. All of us here know exactly how difficult dealing with dementia can be.

 

[emily23]

Thank you, yes, I have spoken to her when he's been outside of the house and have told her this. I think the gp suggestion could work, in that he (and she), may be more accepting of that, but it won't deal with the problem of what will happen to him. Even if I could get her to leave for respite, he won't accept anyone else, and therefore won't eat properly, won't do personal hygiene stuff, and would wear same clothes, plus fall risk. Because she knows all this, she feels she can't leave. I have said she will end up in hospital and things will get taken out of their hands.
When I say this, she just nods her head, as if she accepts this is the inevitable outcome, and when I explain she will therefore lose control, she doesn't argue this with me. It's like she's waiting for that day and can do no different in the mean time.
If I explain to him that the gp says she needs a break, I think he will get angry with me. When this has happened before, he tells me he doesn't want to hear any more about it, and starts to shout at me. I then basically have to leave.

 

[Banjomansmate]

I understand that we are brought up to respect our parents but your Father is nothing but a domineering bully accentuated by dementia and your Mum is too scared to go against his wishes. It won’t be until she collapses and possibly dies that anything will change. By the sound of him he quite likely wouldn’t even call 999 if she needed help.
Could you contact your Mum’s GP and explain what is happening and see if he/she would be prepared to do a home visit (with you there) and tell them both that Mum has to go away for a break and you whisk her away immediately? The GP has to take your Mum’s mental and physical health into consideration and she obviously needs a break from Dad so she can recover from her earlier op. Dad is hardly likely to attack the Dr. to stop her leaving and if he did this would escalate things anyway.
If Dad let’s things slide and won’t accept help if left by himself then so be it, at least one of them will be being looked after. The way things are going at the moment they both could end up hospitalised or dead!

 

[emily23]

Thanks, yes the gp is aware. I can certainly ask the gp if they would do a home visit (don't think they are atm due to covid). My house isn't suitable to bring her here (fall risk and other mobility issues), so I would have to find a suitable respite place. The next issue would be how she would pay for that respite as she doesn't have access to her own money, everything goes via him.

 

[canary]

I think you are right that this will take a crisis for something to happen. Most people with dementia have no understanding of the reality of their situation - they think that they are doing things and dont need help and when their carer is ill, they dont understand and think that they are just being lazy.

All the while he refuses to accept any care and your mum will not leave him, then SS cannot over-ride their wishes. Once he is at risk, either because she ends up in hospital, dies , or cannot prevent him being at risk (eg if he insisted on going out and getting lost, or kept burning things), then SS have a duty of care to enforce keeping him safe - usually in a care home and can over-ride his wishes. Until that happens, though, they cannot/will not do anything. They may consider that your mum is making "unwise choices", but she is free to make them.

If your mum ends up in hospital, or dies, then you must get straight onto SS adult safeguarding for emergency placement for your dad. If he ends up in hospital, then your mum has the option of refusing to have him back and it is often easier to get him into a care home that way.

 

[emily23]

Thanks Canary, I think you have summed it up very well. I will contact the GP as suggested earlier, see if we can arrange a home visit. I will start researching respite places as that is probably the next step.

 

[Molliemoo]

Thank you, yes, I have spoken to her when he's been outside of the house and have told her this. I think the gp suggestion could work, in that he (and she), may be more accepting of that, but it won't deal with the problem of what will happen to him. Even if I could get her to leave for respite, he won't accept anyone else, and therefore won't eat properly, won't do personal hygiene stuff, and would wear same clothes, plus fall risk. Because she knows all this, she feels she can't leave. I have said she will end up in hospital and things will get taken out of their hands.
When I say this, she just nods her head, as if she accepts this is the inevitable outcome, and when I explain she will therefore lose control, she doesn't argue this with me. It's like she's waiting for that day and can do no different in the mean time.
If I explain to him that the gp says she needs a break, I think he will get angry with me. When this has happened before, he tells me he doesn't want to hear any more about it, and starts to shout at me. I then basically have t

 

[Molliemoo]

Hi I am new to this forum my mum has Alzheimer’s I read something today on the government website office of public guardians you can request an urgent intervention through them through the courts maybe they can help you it’s wether your mum will be upset with you though or through there website via email

 

[emily23]

Hi, thanks for your message Molliemoo. I think that may refer to cases where the individual no longer has capacity. In my parents' case, they have capacity.