1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. christmas

    christmas Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    206
    Leicestershire
    Hi I just need someone to tell me what I should do I have said before Peter will not go out , but the problem is that everyone keeps telling me to get him out, so I keep going on at him and he gets nasty if I leave him alone he is ok I just don't know what to do for the best is it alright to just let him stay in bed till he says he wants to go out, its just I am fedup with it all I am sure everybody thinks I don't try to get him to do things but I do. I want to go out but if he is happy doing what he wants I am it's everybody else they say he needs to do things to stimulate his brain and its just worrying me . Christmas
     
  2. Caz60

    Caz60 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    252
    Lancashire
    Hi Christmas,

    I think other people in general try and make suggestions of what may help the situation only because they mostly don't really understand.Not for a minute will they I'm sure put any blame on you for any decision that you make .When my husband was firstly in your position people said ,do crosswords ,read more ,go to the gym and exercise .Sadly ,he couldn't do it and it was then a steady decline into his illness .I feel sure that you must do what is right for both of you if it means leaving hubby safe asleep while you go out it must be done ,that's what I do if he doesn't want to go with me.while I make every effort to take him with me we have to accept that's how it is ,.

    Take care.xx
     
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Hello Christmas. You know Peter better than anyone else!!!
    Do the people saying you must or should...... See your Peter's distress when your trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do, they robably don't have a clue how it makes you feel either.

    Of course we all know it's not good to lay in bed too long, but IMO their are times when you have to do the wrong thing for the right reasons

    My mum took to her bed too. I did try getting her up to sit in a chair, but she kept wriggling down the chair and wasn't happy, so I gave up, mum obviously felt safe and more comfy in bed.
    I did not want her to lose the ability to walk because I knew being in a hoist would terrify her, so I got her up several times a day to go to the loo.

    Listen to your instincts, they won't lead you far wrong.
     
  4. christmas

    christmas Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    206
    Leicestershire
    Thank you all, he does get up for breakfast and lunch then when he comes down for his dinner he stays up still we go to bed but he just won't leave the house your right my children do not understand when they see him he,s ok with them so they don't see what I do believe me I have tried everything when I tell them they just say we know well they don't . I am just going to let him do what he wants I have had it with them all I suppose I am just ranting on again but it makes me feel better this is the only place where people understand thank you again x
     
  5. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Tbh Christmas, I don't think that anyone who is not involved in the nitty gritty of looking after someone can really know.

    You are not ranting your just saying how it is, and where better to do that than on here.
     
  6. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,296
    SW London
    We had a pain in the neck busybody aunt - the kind who always knows what's best for everybody else - who used to tell us we should get our mother out and 'make' her use her brain.
    She was one of those people who think they know all about dementia because they've read a bit about it, but have actually had no practical experience at all.

    Fact was, our mother was no longer capable of doing anything more 'stimulating' than watching TV, and would become fretful and agitated if we ever did manage to get her out - half a mile down the road I would have to take her home.

    You know your own loved one best - personally I would tell these people (nicely) to mind their own ********* business.
     
  7. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    I so agree Lin
    Go for it Christmas do as you are doing and let the others get on with it...so hard when people are nagging xx
     
  8. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    994
    Colchester
    Christmas

    I so agree with what the others are saying. Only you know whats best. We are all fighting the same problem but there are so many different ways that our partners/relatives behave that it is impossible to follow one rule. My husband has been in and out to the locked back gate and the shed so many times today that it would be impossible to count.If I say anything about the cold getting in he says he has only been out there once! His mission is to hide books and magazines so that the 'other people' don't get them. There is no point in having a go.Firstly that wouldn't stop him and secondly he might get angry and then we have a big upset. So do what is best for you and your husband and I hope things go well.xx
     
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    Cas the upside of that is that he has a mission - costs a lot in fuel like a space mission but a purpose nevertheless lol xxx take care and hope he settles before night fall xx
     
  10. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Perhaps your children could try taking hubby out? If he goes, all well and good. If he refuses, they will understand how hard it is!
     
  11. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    994
    Colchester
    Christmas

    Absolutely. He ends up worn out and therefore we have pleasant evenings, well quiet!xx
     
  12. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,442
    Yorkshire
    I was saying only today that we could do with a book/ pamphlet for people who deal with carers - along the lines of carers might find these sort of things helpful or supportive and these actions and suggestions are not helpful.
    However caring they might be, people don't understand what caring for a loved one 24/7 is like.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  13. christmas

    christmas Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    206
    Leicestershire
    I cant thank you all enough I always feel better when I have spoken to you xxx
     
  14. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,442
    Yorkshire
    My feelings exactly x


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     

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