Help my Dad

[mikniklou]

Hi

My mum has just gone into a care home permanently, she has dementia, one doctor said it was alzheimers and another has said it's vascular dementia, so we don't know which it is! Mum also had very bad arthritis, she has it all over and isn't very mobile, dad cared for her for as long as he could, but it came as such a shock when they offered her a permanent room, we wasn't expecting it for about another year, and we are both feeling it, dad especially! It's as if she has died somehow, it's such a strange feeling and very sad, dad is lonely, although mum went into respite every 6 weeks for a week or two, I suppose it prepared him for the inevitable. He has gone from being her carer 24/7 to doing nothing...................

He really misses her and yet he gets so upset when he goes for different reasons, but mainly it's when he has to leave her there, he feels sick and has a cry. I was told by someone last year that there are groups who meet up for a chat etc, can someone tell me where in York it is, or would someone be able to go and see him at home first,because I don't know if he would actually go on his own the first time, I work full time and my partner is disabled at the moment, so I am unable to go with him.

I would appreciate someone replying to me, although this is my first time on this website, I'm not sure of how it all works.

Thank you for your time

 

[Skye]

Hi Mikniklou, welcome to TP.

I know exactly how hard it is for your dad, because my husband has recently gone into care, and I miss him terribly. I hope your dad manages to keep up the visiting, it's so important for them both to keep up the contact. It also helps because you get to know the staff, and they become friends.

As for a support group, have you tried the local branch of Alzheimer's Society? Our branch has a 'Moving on' group, for people whose partners have gone into care or have died. I haven't joined it yet, but apparently as well as providing support for each other, they have coffee mornings, days out, pub lunches etc. If there is one in York, that might be the thing for your dad. I'm sure someone would visit him at home to explain things.

Another possible source is Princess Royal Trust for Carers. They also have various support groups running, and classes in different subjects. Age Concern may also have groups.

You could ring them all and see what's available before talking to your dad.

Good luck,

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Mikniklou,
Welcome to Talking Point.
Like Hazel, my husband went into E.M.I. Unit 13 months ago.
I go to our locel A.S. Branch for Carers and we have a monthly Coffee & Chat for former Carers and I go to both.
We have a great social gathering, outings, lunches, Fund Rasing Events and the people are all brilliant and very good friends.
If you ring Alzheimer's Head Office they should be able to give you the number of the one in your area.
Best wishes
Christine

 

[May]

Hi Mikniklou,

Welcome to TP. I know the feeling as my Mum went into a nursing home last year and Dad was like a lost soul, you and your Dad have my sympathy, it's like a bereavement but not, if you know what I mean. My Dad visits Mum every day, the only time he didn't do this was when he had a major heart attack last year,two months after Mum was admitted. He does all the 'nice' things for Mum (she's bed-bound), manicures, pedicures,facials, leg massage etc, I joke with the staff that I'm going to hire him out!
I can't better Skye's advice to visit frequently if possible and get to know the staff, it almost then becomes 'home from home'. Try your local Alzheimers Society number (they should be in the phone book) they should be able to give details of any groups.You might try your local PCT also, my Dad went on a carers course through them and they run a 'dementia cafe' as an off shoot, which he has visited since Mum went in to care. It all takes time, my Dad is better than he was, but still misses Mum terribly, inevitable after a long and happy marriage.
In the midst of all your help for your Dad, don't forget you, it's important, we're not 'superpeople'. It's very easy to 'crash and burn' (got the t-shirt for that one)Take care and do come back for the support of TP it's an absolute lifeline.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Mikniklou,

Try this link.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/custom_scripts/branch.php?area=true&areaCode=NOYO

I hope there`s something for your father.

 

[Quack]

York & Selby Group

Hi MIkniklou

I'm in a similar situation, my mum has recently gone into full time care and not settling too well. My Dad is also having to adjust to being on his own and it's early days.

Dad is a member of the Carers group through the York & Selby Alzeimers Society group, they have a couple of support workers who may get in touch with your Dad and come and visit him at home and then when he gets to the group situation at least he has a friendly face.

He's quite a reticent chap normally and has that stiff upper lip whereby he wouldn't talk in a group scenario about how he is feeling, but he has picked up some support and goodwill from the group.

Good Luck and get in touch with the local group.