Help, My Dad is Threatening to beat up his neighbour

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by trips3, Oct 16, 2019.

  1. trips3

    trips3 New member

    Oct 16, 2019
    5
    Hi Ive just joined here. My Dad has not been formerly diagnosed yet but he is definitely showing a lot of symptoms and just this morning got aggressive for the first time towards my mum. He is convinced she's having an affair with the man across the road and even went over there at 6.15 this morning to tell the mans girlfriend. He is threatening to go over there later to beat him to a pulp. My dad is 83 and also convinced my mum is trying to poison him and has for a few months now, refused anything she prepares for him unless he watches over her during the prep. He has been verbally abusing and making accusations mainly in the early hours of the morning but then seems normal during the day, but for the first time today I've listened to him quite matter of factly tell me what my mum has been up to for years. He is in total denial and blames my mum for everything. Mum doesn't feel comfortable on her own with him and we're worried he will carry out his threat with the man across the road. What on earth do we do??? All we've managed to get so far is the promise of a phone call from a Doctor tomorrow
     
  2. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,179
    Nottinghamshire
    Welcome to DTP @trips3

    I'm sorry to read of the problems you're having with your dad right now, sadly aggression often happens with dementia and you and your mum need to consider how to keep yourselves (and your neighbour) safe.

    Has your mum got a room with a lock that she can take refuge in? She should also carry her mobile phone with her at all times in case she needs to call the police for back up. Hopefully it won't come to that but it's best to be prepared.

    Regarding the neighbour. It might be a good idea to warn him about your dad's threats and advise him to call the police if your dad goes over and starts to threaten him. If you call the police yourself and tell them that you suspect your dad has dementia they can log him as a vulnerable person and should have more empathy when dealing with him if it comes to that.

    When my dad went knocking on neighbour's doors at 2am one morning when he wandered and got lost and they, understandably, called the police because they felt threatened the officers were very kind to him. They took him home which they wouldn't have been able to do if they hadn't already got him logged as vulnerable - dad couldn't remember where he lived that night!
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    #3 Shedrech, Oct 16, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2019
    hello @trips3
    and welcome

    that's really worrying

    call the police 999 if your dad makes any move towards your neighbour ... they are used to dealing with tricky situations and you cannot risk the safety of your neighbour, your dad and the rest of you

    Edited to add:
    I cross posted with Bunpoots and wholly agree .... your mum needs a safe place
    and personally, I would contact your local police to let them know about your concerns

    also, prepare a note for the GP with details of what your dad has said/done and how regularly, listing out all your concerns and all the things your dad is no longer able to do for himself, so you overlook nothing

    you can also contact your Local Authority Adult Services to tell them that your dad is a 'vulnerable adult' who is putting others, especially your mum, 'at risk' due to his threatening behaviour ... then your parents' situztion is at least flagged up on their system
     
  4. trips3

    trips3 New member

    Oct 16, 2019
    5
    Thank you for the advice. I wasn't sure if a locked room was a good idea in case it antagonised him even more, but will certainly suggest it. the phone is a must and with ref the neighbour whom happens to be a friend to me and my parents for about 20 years, yes I have spoken to him and explained and asked him to try not to react and always remember my dad is ill when he sees him.
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    hi @trips3
    please do not hesitate to get the police involved .... they can help difuse a situation ... and can themselves make a referral on to get more support ... certainly, an official record that they have been involved will be evidence to Adult Services and medics that your parents need support
     
  6. trips3

    trips3 New member

    Oct 16, 2019
    5
    My mum has already written a five page letter for the doctor and delivered it to them on Monday. Apart from his behaviour during the early hours, keep disturbing my mum by poking her and being so convinced about her so called affair, delusional and paranoid, he seems quite normal but today was the first time I witnessed it all myself and what he was saying was shocking and he totally believed it
     
  7. trips3

    trips3 New member

    Oct 16, 2019
    5
    Is weight loss normal and loose bowel movements which he is blaming on the so called poison my mum is putting in his food?
     
  8. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,438
    leicester
    Another red flag for the GP to deal with.
    Welcome to DTP I’m glad to see you posting and receiving support I hope you will continue to post
     
  9. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,368
    Essex
    #9 MaNaAk, Oct 16, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2019
    Dementia is a terrible illness to have especially for the relatives of the sufferer.


    Thinking of you all

    MaNaAk
     
  10. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,368
    Essex
    Dear Trips3,

    I just want to say please keep us updated and let us know what happens. Dad never accused anyone of trying to poison him but he would decide he was full after only a few mouthfuls or that the food was disgusting. Of course with diabetes he ended up in hospital but they did review his medicine.

    I am thinking of you and especially your poor mum trying your best and having to face this.

    Remember it is the illness that is doing this not your dad and he is lucky to have both of you.

    Hugs from

    MaNaAk
     

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