Help! Mum is stressing me out.

Discussion in 'Caring for a person with dementia and cancer' started by LouLou23, Sep 18, 2019.

  1. LouLou23

    LouLou23 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    11
    Female
    North Yorkshire
    I am a distance carer and mum has private carers going into see her 4 times a day.
    When mum gets distressed or confused its still me she turns to and calls me up, its like she has my telephone no on her own personal speed dial. I have recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure and I'm sure its all down to mum. Dad died of dementia 2 years ago and now we have to deal with mum with no break in between. I have just come back from a holiday abroad and while I was away mum filled up my answer phone on my phone and 1571 as well ! with a group of messages over midnight asking why I wasn't talking to her.
    My first day at home it felt like she was calling me every 5 mins while the carers weren't there.
    Has anybody any body any suggestions how to ease the stress of it all as my blood pressure is not going to stand it. It still hasn't gone down after a holiday and medication. How do people cope?
    Mum doesn't like being by herself but nor dose she want to go in a home as she has seen what it is like when dad was in one. I wish there was a solution for all of it. Mum's lung cancer has got worse but in a lot of ways I wish it had so there would be I end to it all, a way out.
     
  2. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    315
    You sound as if you’ve reached crisis point and I can honestly say I’m not far behind you! My mum lives with me so I can’t get away from it for a minute to recharge.

    Does your mum have a social worker or mental health team you can call? They should be able to offer some practical solutions. It’s such a cruel disease it doesn’t only torment the person with dementia it manages to do the same to the nearest and dearest.

    Don’t beat yourself up it’s natural to want it all to be over watching a loved one in so much distress has you praying for death so they can finally rest in peace. I know I do. Then I feel incredibly guilty for those wicked thoughts!
     
  3. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,756
    Female
    In terms of the calls, if she is calling a mobile there will be a do not disturb feature you can set for periods of the day so her calls are ignored. If it's a landline, you could set up a divert to your mobile and then set do not disturb, other members have done this so they will be able to give more details. If you don't want to do that obviously the calls will continue, she won't stop.

    But presumably she's calling because she's anxious on her own. That means the time is approaching when she needs supervision 24/7. I reached that point with my mother too. She had carers in for 6 hours a day but in the other 18 hours she was anxious and lonely. She didn't ring me because she couldn't remember how to use the phone by then, but she would put herself at risk by wandering outside (no keys, no coat) and had to be rescued by neighbours. She always said she wanted to stay at home, but there came a point where it was clear that was not working and I had to make a decision on her behalf, and she moved to a care home 18 months ago. I just arranged it and went ahead - she would never have volunteered for it, but actually she loves it. So don't discount that option.
     
  4. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,047
    It sounds to me as if your mum's needs are so great that they actually outweigh what she wants to happen . I agree with other posters it sounds like your mum really needs 24/7 supervision, whether that's at home or in care. It's not when the carers are going in, it's when they are not there, is the problem.
     
  5. Delilah63

    Delilah63 Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    16
    I am sitting quietly on the beach near where i live, having just finished the umpteenth phone call today from my mum or dad or someone about them i am 4 hiurs away, dad has dementia and mum has very long standing mental health problems and your post resinated with me. Its like living in some awful nightmare that you're sure camt be real isnt it? I feel so sorry for your situation, and i have no answers..or i would be helping myself out of this pit too, but i did read your post, you are heard and i am sending you this message to know you are not alone. Best wishes
    Carole
     
  6. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    315

    Hi

    The post resonates with many but alas I find there are many who won’t admit to being overwhelmed or unable to cope. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t ask myself when will this nightmare end? Then I sob with guilt!

    My father has had dementia for ten years and finally went into a care home 3 years ago when I finally plucked up the courage to have him sectioned, his illness was literally ruining everyone’s life. No sooner did my father go into care then my mother started displaying symptoms of dementia and lives with us so I feel like I haven’t had a life for over 10 years! We haven’t been on holiday in all that time, we have no friends and no social life. My wonderful husband has never complained once in all that time.

    I have two serious autoimmune diseases which are exasperated by stress and I worry will I ever know any peace or get some enjoyment from what’s left of my life when it’s all over. I love my parents and I know if they knew the impact they’d had on my life they’d have both committed suicide rather than put me through it. I’m pushing sixty my children are grown and we should be having fun.

    Sending you hugs and sympathy xxx
     
  7. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,588
    I was in the supermarket queue the other day and in front of me was a women well over 70 pushing her mum in a wheelchair. I know it was her mum because she called her mum. This old lady must have been well in to her nineties and it frightened me. It's just seemed so unfair to see an elderly lady pushing another very elderly lady round the shop. I am not that old yet, a mere 62 year old but it was depressing.
     
  8. LouLou23

    LouLou23 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    11
    Female
    North Yorkshire
    Thank you all for your replies, it does feel better knowing I'm not the only one in this situation. I get 2 days off when I'm at work as she doesn't know my mobile. But i do find myself then listening to messages left on the land line which can be distressing. Will think about diverting calls. My brother says not to listen to them as mum dosnt remember so I don't need to know. We are looking to get the mental health team in as mum was discharged back to doctors. So need to get referred back for assessment and there advice. But yes she does need to go in a home, its just going to hard, esp after going through it with dad.
     
  9. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    315

    Your brother is right don’t check your messages better still switch off your answer phone. Your mum will forget she’s left you a message and what the message was about. If you don’t manage your stress you won’t be able to help.

    I find it strange I can give advice but can’t follow it! It is really hard and it won’t get any easier. At least you’re clear a care home is the best place for your mum x
     
  10. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,756
    Female
    Your brother is right, your mother won't remember. So it upsets you, but she's already forgotten about it.

    I am not sure what advice you hope for from the mental health team, but it may be in short supply. You will probably find they want to keep your mother at home as long as possible, way past the point where it's a good idea. They will only see a snapshot of how your mother is, and that snapshot will be when she's in company and relatively content. It's you who sees her behaviour on a daily basis. If she is self-funding, you can go ahead on your own - in fact, you will almost certainly have to do that. Although that is difficult, it does mean you have the choice of what to do, and when.

    You're right, it will be hard, but you will get through it. When I moved my mother it was three months of hell (for me, not her - she knew nothing about it!) Stay strong, you will find a huge amount of support if you keep posting.
     
  11. Delilah63

    Delilah63 Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    16
    Hello,
    And thankyou for your comments...I don't seem to be able to get my head around how to use the forum, I don't use any others, so I have only just found your reply and it feels really lovely to have someone out there who knows what this feels like. I actually lost it with my Mum last week (long story...no-one was harmed) and decided for my own sanity to have the weekend off and to join in with our local beer festival. Friends came to stay and I had a lovely time. Had a few calls from Dad/Mum/Brother etc but on the whole did my "pretending everything is OK" Thing and by sunday night almost felt relaxed. And now it's Monday, I have to go back into the thing now and try AGAIN to get them to accept some care, and I feel quite nauseous and aching and am fighting the urge to cry, and my friends are leaving the house, smiling and saying I'm lucky at least to still have my Mum and Dad around at their great age.....don't know where I'm going with this reply, but what I wanted to say was thanks...we're not alone, it's rubbish and hard and sad and all the rest, but it's what life has thrown at us, we CAN cope, we will, and we are not alone. xx,
     
  12. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,626
    High blood pressure- tick
    Yep I’m in the same situation, the manic phone calls pass & then start again.
    I haven’t been in holiday for years apart from a short 3 day break to Rome a couple of years ago- & yes the distress that caused was off the scale!

    So I’m tackling my high blood pressure with diet, a high blood pressure diet
     
  13. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    315

    I actually don’t think I can take much more. Mum will not give me a moments peace she woke me this morning insisting I got out of bed and find her bag which she’d hid! She can go from sobbing like a baby to spitting venom and I hate both in equal measure! What a load of rubbish telling you your lucky to have your mum, if she’s anything like my mum it’s not your mum! I think I’d have snapped I am living with an alien who has invaded my home and she’s never gonna leave! Would they open their home to a complete stranger to take over their every waking moment through choice? I seriously doubt it!

    I hope you manage to get some support for your mum soon and you can get some respite xx
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,626
    It’s another dementia casualty like a pebble dropping in the water the ripples run far & wide.
    ((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))
     
  15. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    315
    Thank you first smile of the day awarded to you x
     
  16. LouLou23

    LouLou23 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    11
    Female
    North Yorkshire
    HI everyone, it really looks like I'm not the only one!
    As Carers we do all need more support with our own mental health.
    I have a hospital trip coming up to hopefully to sort my high blood pressure, I will be telling them where the stress is coming from!
    At least things have calmed down for my mum at the moment on the telephone call front. I was with her for the weekend recently, its so hard work, her agitation moments can come from nowhere at anytime. I don't know how you guys doing it full time can cope.
    I trying to see if the mental health team can suggest any drug to help with the agitation, I have had to refer her back to them via the doctor, I can't really believe she was discharged back to the doctors in the first place!
    Anyway Sending hugs to you all, esp. DesperateofDevon! TC
     
  17. Lirene

    Lirene Registered User

    Sep 15, 2019
    103
    We are all with you and all desperately looking for an end and closure. Keep plodding with the rest of us. Love a hugs xx
     
  18. Delilah63

    Delilah63 Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    16
    Thankyou for this..i havent been able to work out how to find replies until now...but it was lovely to read yours x update is, mum at last agreed to dad going in for repsite and long story very short, i saw my dad smile for the first time in ages. Hes had some wobbles but the staff in the home are so kind and it is bringing something out in him i thought was lost...just got to work out how to work things out with mum now...one day at a time eh?

    I really hope you can find some help soon, you need to look after yourself in this situation, its so sad, its intolerable and it feels never ending at times, but you have my support and admiration, stay strong x
     
  19. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    315

    That is brilliant I expect your poor dad is tired too and if your mum has mental health problems as well it’s probably really hard for them to give each other the help they each need.

    I am so pleased your dad is getting some quality care and attention and seems to be thriving. Sometimes people with dementia feel very unsafe and scared and are looking for someone to take charge so they can relax and not worry. Your dad needed a break by the sounds of it.

    Absolutely one day at a time you can’t do everything all at once. Have you spoken to the care home where your dad is about your mum? They might have some ideas and they will have seen situations like yours hundreds of times..

    Thanks for your lovely kind words x
     
  20. Delilah63

    Delilah63 Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    16
    I think youre right, he was tired and mum has never been a very empathetic person, so on some level he would have felt like he was a problem. I'm with mum now for a few days to help her get practical things sorted in the house. Its so sad being here without my lovely dad, my ally..but it is what it is and I just keep trying to hold on to that smile and that relaxed face and hope that he is finding some peace and security in being spoken to kindly and cared for. What a bloomin rubbish thing this dementia eh...absolutely pants.
     

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