Hello there,
New to this forum so need to give a bit of a back story, but will start by saying I believe my mum has some sort of dementia or Alzheimers - possibly dementia with Lewy Body as it can fluctuate dramatically from day to day, week to week.
3 years ago my world fell apart when my dear dad died unexpectedly of a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage and cardiac arrest. I was devastated, although he was 81 he seemed very fit and well but had been experiencing episodes of high-blood pressure, he was also very stressed about my mums behaviour and memory which had been 'off' for possibly 2 years.
Anyway to cut a long story short since my dads death I have become pretty much solely responsible for my mum, although she lives alone still and is able to dress herself, get up, put her make-up on, clean the house etc. However she doesn't go out as has very bad osteoarthritis and only went out with my dad in the car to a nearby shopping centre.I don't drive but my partner takes us both to a shopping centre once a week so she can walk around. I also visit her most days for 2 hours per day and when it's sunny we go for a walk around the block, she's quite frail and can't walk fast.
Even before my dad died she didn't look after her own finances - she has never paid a bill, used a cash card or done any of this stuff in her life, so I naturally have taken all this on in my dads absence with help from my partner. All her bills are paid by direct debit now, though I have to remind her of this every time a bill comes in as she worries about paying it. I do all her shopping for her, get her prescriptions etc.
Her memory was bad before my dad died but has deteriorated a rapidly in the last 3 years since his death. She has forgotten entire chunks of her life and has on a couple of occasions over the last year called me to ask where my dad is ... that she hasn't seen him but he's been acting strangely and she doesn't know where he is.
This has happened on a few occasions and I've had to tell her that my dad is dead. Others times I tried to distract her and go along with it - but then when I see her again she'll asked me what the news was about my dad ... so I have to tell her or she keeps asking. She doesn't get upset really but asks how he died, if she went to the funeral etc.
Then the next day she'll be fine - well not fine - but she knows my dad has been dead for three years. She will often repeat the same stories to me several times within an hour, with no recollection of having just told me the story. In some her memory is still brilliant - better than mine infact - but she'll forget something we've talked about just the day before. She has no recollection of ever meeting her brothers young children (he got remarried about 18 years ago) and when I tell her that her and my dad used to visit these nephews and nieces quite frequently - she has no memory of the visits or them.
A few weeks ago she was diagnosed with osteoporosis - the GP surgery texted my mobile as she doesn't have one and so I printed out the message with a date on it with all the information about osteoporosis on it from the NHS website and she read through it, we talked about it in depth. When we spoke about this yesterday she said I'd never given her any information and that she'd never seen it - she'd clearly thrown it away. I'd actually taken a picture of her reading it, as I knew this would happen, she looked at it but said she didn't remember and obviously still thought I was lying.
Sometimes she says I've said things that I haven't - like she'll call me and say I'd said I was going to call her at 8am when I clearly hadn't said that. She's forgotten the words for things - like the other day she said she'd been eating those orange things I bought her - she meant apricots. A few weeks ago she called me to ask where my son who's 7 was ... she said she'd gone to the toilet and when she'd come back he'd gone and was he with me. Neither of us had seen her that day at all.
And then every now and again she says my dads been in the house, that he's got into bed with her, that he's acting strangely. Then when I remind her he's passed away she either says 'Yes I know that' or she just accepts it.
After my dad died it was hell, she was so confused and sad and I struggled with everything - my son was only 4 then (he's now 7) and I work full time from home. When I've tried to address her memory issues with her she gets angry/upset/aggressive and says it's ME that has the bad memory and to stop trying to make out she's going mad. I've tried to approach the subject calmly, said I'm worried about her ... but she doesn't think there's anything wrong and says she has a great memory and if I try and push the issue then we just end up in an argument, she gets upset and I end up feeling awful. She tells me I'm being rude to her and that I'm her mother and I shouldn't be so disrespectful.
So we're going to the doctors Monday to find out what medication she needs for her recently diagnosed osteoporosis and I'm worried she'd forget to take the tablets, will take too many - she already takes 6 painkillers a day but that's a routine she's used to. I have though several times about gong to see her GP (we are at the same surgery) and addressing my concerns about her memory but feel so guilty about doing so and worried they'll let on that I've been to see them.
6 months after my dad died I miscarried a baby who had Edwards Syndrome, my partner also lost his job and his mum died recently from osteoporosis and dementia so it hasn't been the best of times. And through it all I've had panic attacks, 2 shingles outbreaks and am trying to juggle her stuff with my work and my 7 year old son.
I guess my question is ... if she doesn't know there's a problem and won't go to the GP what do I do? She won't hear of having a cleaner or a carer so it's all on me. She has no friends and sees no one aside from me, my partner and my son ... aside from once a week when my other half takes her to the hairdressers (she's been unable to wash her own hair for 10 years because of arthritis).
All my friends say I need to force her to get help, that I'm making myself ill and it's not fair on my partner or my 7 year old son and they're right but I don't know what to do. She fell and broke her ankle the last week of the school summer holidays and I had 7 weeks of hell having to go and do her bandages morning and afternoon and fit in everything else. I can't force her to get a carer or help but what do I do? We went away for 5 days during the summer and I worried about her falling/her mental state the whole time and every day she told me how depressed she was and how lonely she was.
I feel like I'm ruining my sons young life, we can't go on a proper holiday and even when I'm with him I'm stressed and tired and distracted. I'm incredibly grateful for the fact she's still able to look after herself in her own home at the moment but I know this will not be the case in a few years time. I want to help her but I also feel so incredibly sad that my 7 year old is not getting the life or the mum he deserves.
There's no question of her living with us, it wouldn't be fair to my son and to be honest I don't think I could cope, I don't think she could cope either. Our house is a death trap for someone with osteoporosis as he always has friends round bombing around the house, leaving toys everywhere. I have to clear the clutter every time she comes here. I don't know what the future holds, I feel so scared and alone. I have no siblings and there are no family members that can help that she would want to see.
Any help or advice would be much appreciated.
New to this forum so need to give a bit of a back story, but will start by saying I believe my mum has some sort of dementia or Alzheimers - possibly dementia with Lewy Body as it can fluctuate dramatically from day to day, week to week.
3 years ago my world fell apart when my dear dad died unexpectedly of a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage and cardiac arrest. I was devastated, although he was 81 he seemed very fit and well but had been experiencing episodes of high-blood pressure, he was also very stressed about my mums behaviour and memory which had been 'off' for possibly 2 years.
Anyway to cut a long story short since my dads death I have become pretty much solely responsible for my mum, although she lives alone still and is able to dress herself, get up, put her make-up on, clean the house etc. However she doesn't go out as has very bad osteoarthritis and only went out with my dad in the car to a nearby shopping centre.I don't drive but my partner takes us both to a shopping centre once a week so she can walk around. I also visit her most days for 2 hours per day and when it's sunny we go for a walk around the block, she's quite frail and can't walk fast.
Even before my dad died she didn't look after her own finances - she has never paid a bill, used a cash card or done any of this stuff in her life, so I naturally have taken all this on in my dads absence with help from my partner. All her bills are paid by direct debit now, though I have to remind her of this every time a bill comes in as she worries about paying it. I do all her shopping for her, get her prescriptions etc.
Her memory was bad before my dad died but has deteriorated a rapidly in the last 3 years since his death. She has forgotten entire chunks of her life and has on a couple of occasions over the last year called me to ask where my dad is ... that she hasn't seen him but he's been acting strangely and she doesn't know where he is.
This has happened on a few occasions and I've had to tell her that my dad is dead. Others times I tried to distract her and go along with it - but then when I see her again she'll asked me what the news was about my dad ... so I have to tell her or she keeps asking. She doesn't get upset really but asks how he died, if she went to the funeral etc.
Then the next day she'll be fine - well not fine - but she knows my dad has been dead for three years. She will often repeat the same stories to me several times within an hour, with no recollection of having just told me the story. In some her memory is still brilliant - better than mine infact - but she'll forget something we've talked about just the day before. She has no recollection of ever meeting her brothers young children (he got remarried about 18 years ago) and when I tell her that her and my dad used to visit these nephews and nieces quite frequently - she has no memory of the visits or them.
A few weeks ago she was diagnosed with osteoporosis - the GP surgery texted my mobile as she doesn't have one and so I printed out the message with a date on it with all the information about osteoporosis on it from the NHS website and she read through it, we talked about it in depth. When we spoke about this yesterday she said I'd never given her any information and that she'd never seen it - she'd clearly thrown it away. I'd actually taken a picture of her reading it, as I knew this would happen, she looked at it but said she didn't remember and obviously still thought I was lying.
Sometimes she says I've said things that I haven't - like she'll call me and say I'd said I was going to call her at 8am when I clearly hadn't said that. She's forgotten the words for things - like the other day she said she'd been eating those orange things I bought her - she meant apricots. A few weeks ago she called me to ask where my son who's 7 was ... she said she'd gone to the toilet and when she'd come back he'd gone and was he with me. Neither of us had seen her that day at all.
And then every now and again she says my dads been in the house, that he's got into bed with her, that he's acting strangely. Then when I remind her he's passed away she either says 'Yes I know that' or she just accepts it.
After my dad died it was hell, she was so confused and sad and I struggled with everything - my son was only 4 then (he's now 7) and I work full time from home. When I've tried to address her memory issues with her she gets angry/upset/aggressive and says it's ME that has the bad memory and to stop trying to make out she's going mad. I've tried to approach the subject calmly, said I'm worried about her ... but she doesn't think there's anything wrong and says she has a great memory and if I try and push the issue then we just end up in an argument, she gets upset and I end up feeling awful. She tells me I'm being rude to her and that I'm her mother and I shouldn't be so disrespectful.
So we're going to the doctors Monday to find out what medication she needs for her recently diagnosed osteoporosis and I'm worried she'd forget to take the tablets, will take too many - she already takes 6 painkillers a day but that's a routine she's used to. I have though several times about gong to see her GP (we are at the same surgery) and addressing my concerns about her memory but feel so guilty about doing so and worried they'll let on that I've been to see them.
6 months after my dad died I miscarried a baby who had Edwards Syndrome, my partner also lost his job and his mum died recently from osteoporosis and dementia so it hasn't been the best of times. And through it all I've had panic attacks, 2 shingles outbreaks and am trying to juggle her stuff with my work and my 7 year old son.
I guess my question is ... if she doesn't know there's a problem and won't go to the GP what do I do? She won't hear of having a cleaner or a carer so it's all on me. She has no friends and sees no one aside from me, my partner and my son ... aside from once a week when my other half takes her to the hairdressers (she's been unable to wash her own hair for 10 years because of arthritis).
All my friends say I need to force her to get help, that I'm making myself ill and it's not fair on my partner or my 7 year old son and they're right but I don't know what to do. She fell and broke her ankle the last week of the school summer holidays and I had 7 weeks of hell having to go and do her bandages morning and afternoon and fit in everything else. I can't force her to get a carer or help but what do I do? We went away for 5 days during the summer and I worried about her falling/her mental state the whole time and every day she told me how depressed she was and how lonely she was.
I feel like I'm ruining my sons young life, we can't go on a proper holiday and even when I'm with him I'm stressed and tired and distracted. I'm incredibly grateful for the fact she's still able to look after herself in her own home at the moment but I know this will not be the case in a few years time. I want to help her but I also feel so incredibly sad that my 7 year old is not getting the life or the mum he deserves.
There's no question of her living with us, it wouldn't be fair to my son and to be honest I don't think I could cope, I don't think she could cope either. Our house is a death trap for someone with osteoporosis as he always has friends round bombing around the house, leaving toys everywhere. I have to clear the clutter every time she comes here. I don't know what the future holds, I feel so scared and alone. I have no siblings and there are no family members that can help that she would want to see.
Any help or advice would be much appreciated.