Help me to help my mum and dad

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by TJP0806, May 8, 2008.

  1. TJP0806

    TJP0806 Registered User

    May 5, 2008
    4
    Dorset
    I am really scared my mum has alzheimers, mum and dad have been married for nearly 50 yrs, for the last two years my dad has suffered in silence, my mum has become very forgetful of which we have all noticed, she even forgets her grandsons names, she can remember things from years ago but can't remember from yesterday. My dad has finally admitted to myself and my husband of what he has been going through, she has become angry, and aggressive, she is frightened I think?, she is having hitting him and telling him alful things that she wants him to drop dead. I am devesated, she has had three brain hemorages and her personality has changed, she is having all the systoms of alzheimers, but we cannot approach it with her as she will not listen. My dad is distraught, please help us I can't bare to think this is happening, we have told him he is to go to the doctors, she won't have him go with her, and will not admit anything is wrong. Please does anyone have some advice for me to help my dad before something really bad happens. She has thrown boiling hot coffee over him now four time and cannot even remember, Help me please
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,596
    Kent
    Please make an appointment to see your parents` GP. Either go with your father or by yourself.

    Write down all your concerns and let the GP take it from there. Your mother is presumably under medical supervision because of her brain haemorrhages and even if the doctor won`t discuss her condition with you, s/he will listen.

    If your father is unable to go with you, please tell the GP of your concerns for him.

    If the doctors are unaware they can`t help.

    Please let us know how you get on.

    Take care, I can see how upset and worried you are. xx
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Sylvia is quite correct, nothing can kick in as help unless you have a formal diagnosis.
    there are many dementias of which Alzheimer's is only the most well known.

    Different dementias can have different presentations of symptoms, so you really do need to have a referral by her GP to a consultant.

    you say
    the haemorrhages themselves may have caused dementia-like symptoms.

    The normal way to get people to the doctor is to say there is a free MOT for all people over 50, and that your Dad and Mum should take advantage of it. Then, pre-warn the GP.

    Your Mum is showing bad symptoms and your Dad appears to you to be taking the brunt of them. However, it is worth considering the hell your Mum is in that makes her behave this way.

    If you explain to Dad that things can only get worse and that things can be done to make Mum suffer less, then he may be willing to try something.

    In the meantime, there is no point in trying to talk sense to Mum, or to disagree with anything - anything! - she says. In her world, things are normal, it is your world that is at odds.

    Good luck!
     
  4. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello TJP

    As well as following the advice from Sylvia and Bruce, you might find it helpful to get in contact with your local Alzheimers Society. You can request someone to visit you which I, personally, found extremely helpful and very empowering. Seeing the doctor is essential but following this route alone can leave a large empty space whilst you are waiting for tests and appointments. This is where additional supportive contact can come in very useful.

    I sincerely hope that you find the help and support that you so desperately seek. Meanwhile there's always Talking Point and you will find there's always someone to speak to here.

    Love Helen
     
  5. Carolynlott

    Carolynlott Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    232
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Hello TJP,
    I know what you are going through - I was in your situation not long ago and, and now my Dad is in a Care Home because Mum couldn't look after him any more. Mum kept a lot of what was going on from me because she didn't want to upset me, but like your Dad, there comes a time when they can no longer keep it to themselves. My Mum broke down eventually and said she couldn't take any more.

    Like the others have said you have to get your Mum to the GP under some pretext (or the GP to her) - with my Dad I wrote to the GP to tell him what was going on and he checked him out and referred him when he did his regular blood pressure check. Initially Dad was always very suspicious of people coming to the house and thought we had been talking about him behind his back, although towards the end he accepted it to a degree because he thought they would make him better.

    Best wishes,
    Carolyn
     
  6. BettyL

    BettyL Registered User

    Jan 20, 2008
    60
    Essex
    Hello TJP

    All the advice you've had on this forum is spot on. I wish you well - don't leave it too long, your dad is probably at the end of his tether.

    Take care of yourself too.

    All my best regards and warm wishes
    Betty
     
  7. Just thinking

    Just thinking Registered User

    May 7, 2008
    152
    North west
    I knew mums memory was poor but when her husband died a couple of months ago and I was spending more time with her I realised it was something more.... I made an appointment to see her dr. myself to explain the situation. The GP said that Mums regular medicine review was due so to make an appointment for that and she could assess her at the same time. In no time at all Mum got an appointment to see a specialist and is now on Aricept and anti-depressants and is also receiving other help from the social services. It's now been 3 months since her diagnosis of AZ but she's SO MUCH BETTER AND HAPPIER.

    She was never violent but she was very irritable and her personality did seem to be changing but now I know that was probably due to being frightened and confused and misunderstood by the family.
    GET HELP SOON AND YOU'LL SEE THE DIFFERENCE! GOOD LUCK!
     
  8. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello and welcome to TP,

    I have nothing further to add to the advice you have already received I can only offer my sympathy.

    I hope that your able to sort this problem out soon.

    Caring Thoughts, Taffy.
     
  9. theoldbat

    theoldbat Registered User

    May 11, 2008
    10
    West Sussex
    Thank Goodness...

    and I thought I was the only one out there with all these problems! I've sat and read - and cried - along with many of the posts on this forum this morning... [this is my first visit here], but this one about your Mum and Dad really came home. My Mum has VaD, Dad is in denial....he also has Pulmonay Hypertension, a chronic heart condition. I cleaned out their fridge yesterday... removed loads of foodstuff, at least I think it was foodstuff, hard to tell under the layers of grey mould.. along with the pieces chicken she had defrosted and the milk that had gone off... where on earth she had kept the milk, God only knows! I can't add much to advice here... but if there are any 'good' bits, treasure them, because one day, there won't be any 'good' bits ever again. Mum hides things, well at least she puts them in a 'safe' place! never to be found again.... the things that get put in the breadbin you wouldn't believe!-but perhaps you would. My heart goes out to each and everyone on this site.. knowing that there are LOTS of others in the same boat is going to help one 'paddle' on somewhat.
     
  10. TJP0806

    TJP0806 Registered User

    May 5, 2008
    4
    Dorset
    Thank you to all of you

    Thank you to everyone for your advice and kindness, my dad is going to the doctors but he has to do it without her knowing or she will explode, I think he has finally admitted to himself that it is not normal and that something is terribly wrong, after all your comments I think it has been confirmed to me to.
    He is at the end of his tiether, and on apending a few hrs with my mum on a one to one the other night she has no idea that anything is wrong, she blames everyone else, and cannot see what she is doing to my dad. Thank you again for your kindness and it is a great relief to know that my dad is not the only one and there is help. x
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,596
    Kent
    Hello TJP0806 :)

    Please let us know how your father gets on at the doctor`s.
     
  12. theoldbat

    theoldbat Registered User

    May 11, 2008
    10
    West Sussex
    To TPJ... be strong, because your Dad needs you badly right now... I've had the same thing... can you go with your Dad to the Doctor? Mum get's so angry - from your Mum's viewpoint, like mine, there is nothing wrong! On the other hand, on the rare occasions when she is lucid, she knows that she's losing her memory, and that she makes Dad cross - which must be awful for her! Imagine the panic they might be feeling - like when you've lost something valuable and cannot find it - she feels like that all the time. I've discovered I too have to be very devious, to do things when Mum isn't looking. You need a friend to help you... or a sibling, someone to visit with Mum while Dad is out. I've discovered Age Concern and Crossroads [no, not the TV prog.!] they'll help... they provide trained sitters - and no-one ever refers to the A. or points fingers - getting information and assistance in this quagmire we find ourselves in, is like getting blood from stones! Let us know how you get on... know that you are in our thoughts.
     

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