Help me PLEASE


Registered User
Jan 10, 2008
Hello i just joined to today:)

I need some help and i dont know where to start.. I am a married mum of two and my grandad (75) has been diagnosed with Vascular Demetia for two years now...My Gran and Grandad live together and things are now going down hill really fast and my heart is breaking:(... Grandad is fully mobile and in control physicly at the moment but his memory loss is really bad now he is struggling with every day to day tasks i take for granted and my gran is getting extremly frustated with him:(... I myself have worked as a care assistant in a nursing home and a Auxiliry Nurse in a Cardioligy Ward and have seen Dementia first hand but when it comes to my grandad i am at a lose-i am trying my hardest to help but my gran is a very independent women and will not accept help, i go around nearly everyday to check on them and to visit and support them to my best ability but i can now see now that things are deteriating fast, for example putting things away in wrong cupboards, giving gran two knives at tea time, not knowing how to do simple tasks etc etc, but gran is getting angry and to scared to say anything to him as he is at the stage where he gets frustrated to and its heartbreaking to see this as thats not my grandad:(... Gran doesn't keep to well either she has type2 diabete's and has a tummy bug this week and its very apparent she is expecting to much from grandad--i have been cooking for them, well i say cooking i have been 'helping' grandad i don't want grandad to feel i am treading on his toe's as he feels he is a failure as gran is not letting him cook now... Gran makes him get the pension and paye the bills woth the payment cards and he doesn't understand and gran gets angry, grandad puts the shoping away9all in the wrong places and she gets frustated) i think she is exhausted to as my granny is a loving and caring person, she doesnt have a bad bone in her she doesnt shout at him but little things she says he picks up on and he doesnt understand he is doing these things.. How do i get her to accept my help, i am more than willing to do her shopping, paye her bills etc etc but how do i not hurt her feelings and make her feel a failure--because i know she isnt but she will think she is!!!!! I am scared for them both, i want to do more for them please help...Who profesionaly can i speak to... I have cared for lots of patients with this but when it comes to grandad and gran i am at a lost:(:(... I hope i have made sense to you all it feels like i have droned on and on i heop someone can give me some advice:):)


Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
HI Ash82


It is so difficult when one you love gets this disease isn't it and it sounds like your gran may be in denail about what is happening to her beloved husband.

My first thought is for you to maybe express your concerns to their GP. Although confidentiality will prevent him saying anything about their health to you it gives him/her a full background to how life "is". Even thought they appear unwilling to accept help now this can take a long time to arrange and set the wheels in motion so it is well worth starting early.

You will probably need to try explaining to Gran that Grandad isn't being deliberately awkward but the sheer 24/7 nature of it does make it incredibly frustrating for her as your Grandad may not realise that he is causing problems and be defensive about it.

Maybe you could offer to take them shopping and sit down with them to do the bills (rather than "take it over") if you know what I mean. Unfortunately some people are terribly shy about discussing money details and it may be that your Grandparents feel this way. Gran may never have dealt with finances and be terrified and think that Grandad can deal with it better than she can. It is so difficult without knowing them.

Be patient and keep popping in. Try and support them in doing as much as possible for themselves. You are a star to want to help. So many want to turn the other way when this happens.

Hopefully some of the others may have suggestions that they have found worked for them.



Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Ash

I can almost feel the despair in your post.

The only advice i can give you is to sit down on your own with your Grandmother and a gently as you can, try to explain to her what you think is happening.

Offer to visit the doctor with her and see perhaps if there is any medication that can be prescribed to help your grandfather.
Use your skills as a care assistant. I know it is impossible to be objective about someone you love, but try to think what you would say to try to help a relative of someone in your care.

If your grandmother listens to you and you are able to help her understand why your grandfather`s behaviour is changing so much, she might be persuaded to seek help.

Take care xx


Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
manchester, uk
Hi Ash

Welcome to TP.

A lot of people find it hard to ask for help and your grandparents generation can be the worst for this, as they have always done things for themselves.

Maybe you could try saying to your Gran with her not being too well herself at the moment and with the weather being bad, when you do your shopping you will get her shopping for her if she would like to do a list for you. Also if she has any other errands you could do for her while you are out, it would save her getting wet in the rain or being blown about in the gales. Or maybe on the odd occasion phone your Gran and tell her you are popping to the shops on your way round to see them does she need anything picking up. Also in time if this works she will just get use to you doing her shopping and when the better weather does come she may just let you carry on doing her shopping for her.

One of the things I did with my Nanna with regards to housework was, I would on purpose drop some crisps or something and get the hoover out to clean up after myself. But while I was at it I'd hoover the whole of the downstairs for her and not just where I'd dropped the crisps. I'd send her into the kitchen to make a cup of tea while I did this so she wouldn't see what I was upto.

I hope this may help in some way. I'm sure though that there will be more people along soon who will have other ideas that may help.

Take care


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Ash, welcome to TP.

You've had lots of good practical advice on how to help your grandparents.

Can I also suggest you contact Alzheimer Scotland? You could call the mational helpline free, the number is:

0808 808 3000

You could also contact the local branch, information is her:

Someone will visit, and can advise on support services such as daycare, and make sure your grandparents are receiving ll the support they are entitled to, including Attendance Allowance.

I understand that your grandmother is proud, but assure her that this is what she is entitled to as a carer. She may even be more willing to accept help from outsiders than from a member of the family.

Thank you for posting, it's great that you care so much about your grandparents, and it does sound as if the time has come for them to get some outside help.

Let us know how it goes.



Registered User
Jan 10, 2008
Tahnk-you to all my replys

To everyone who has took the time to reply to me-THANK-YOU so so much, i was around at Grans this afternoon... 'Skye' that link will be very helpfull to me;)...
'Mameeskye' gran is in control of the finance's thank goodness but when she is unwell its grandad she turns to but she is very honest and open with me when it comes to bills etc so i have told her if she feels she is not up to going to the bank/post office i will if she wanted and she agread this afternoon:)...
Thank-you for al your comferting words i really appreciate it and i am so glad i found this website..

Take care all of you;) xxxx