help me I do not know what to do.how do others cope

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by junegl, Aug 5, 2007.

  1. junegl

    junegl Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    8
    Buckinghamshire
    jack is in respite care for two weeks, told not to visit for three days, went yesterday, now I cannot get him out of my mind, just sitting there,asking when his family is coming to take him home. they had said he could go outside but no one seems to be bothered to take him,they do know he is blind,I just sit and think I will bring him home, daughters say no, I have got to have a rest.It is no rest worrying about him all the time. would he feel better if I visited every day, please has anyone had this problem? the care home just sits the people in a chair and leaves them unless they call. the care home is run by a charitable trust,but does have to be paid for. how do I get rid of this guilty feeling or shall I bring him home.? what did you do.?
     
  2. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Dear June,
    My Mum was in a Care Home and a Nursing Home for nearly two years before she died in May this year. I never knew quite what to expect when I visited her, as sometimes she seemed happy and pleased to seem and other times she seemed unhappy or at first quite distressed.
    I spoke to her carers and it seemed that she was usually quite settled and content, especially when she had the company of a friend she had made in the Nursing Home. She could be quite cheerful and make little jokes with them, but when she saw me again, she remembered the times before she so ill and this made her feel sad.
    If your husband is in respite so that you can have a rest, then it would be better for you to rest so that you feel refreshed and able to cope when he comes home. Two weeks isn't very long and it is just like a short holiday.
    Maybe it would be better if you didn't see him for a while so that he can settle down. You could ring the Home or ask a friend or relative to visit instead.
    It is hard when you miss the peson you have been caring for, but you will feel much better for a rest.
    Kayla
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear June, I haven't been in your position, but I do so sympathise. That's why I haven't yet been able to bring myself to take respite. I don't know how I'd cope, let alone John.

    It's obviously not doing you any good at the moment. Do you think you'd be able to cope with not visiting? If so, it's worth a try. Otherwise, if you want to bring Jack home, then you should do it. There's no point in you both being miserable. You can try it again when Jack is further along the line, and not as aware of his surroundings. I must confess, that's my aim.

    Perhaps you should discuss it with Social Services, there might be another home that is more suited to Jack's needs.

    Is there any family member that would stay with Jack in your own home for a day or two to give you a break? I'm going to try that for the first time in a couple of weeks. I don't know how if it will work, or if they'll ever volunteer again, but at least John will be in familiar surroundings, and will have one to one attention.

    I do hope you find some solution, there's no point in you both being unhappy.

    Love,
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,875
    Kent
    Dear June, I can only echo what Skye/Hazel said.

    What`s the point of respite care if you are both so unhappy. There must be a better way than this.

    I don`t know how you are fixed financially. Do you pay for respite? If you do, is there any way the money could be better spent? Could you get someone in during the day time, or night time, depending on which is the most difficult, to give you some extra help with your husband.

    This care home is not one of the best, if it thinks it`s OK to have people sitting round the walls looking at each other.

    I wonder if the RNIB could offer any support. I don`t want to give you any false hope, it`s something I`ve thought of but not gone into. You`d have nothing to lose by contacting them.

    I`m really sorry this period of respite isn`t helping you at all.

    Love xx
     
  5. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    I havent been in your position either, as mum is permanently in nursing care and at first asked constantly what I was doing to get her out of there and I found visiting her absolute torture.
    However Im sure if your daughters think you need a break they are right and even if you dont feel you are resting at least take the time to try and do some things for you, probably you might enjoy it more than you think.
    I persoannly feel it is quite important that a sufferer tries to get used to occasional respite, as presumably if there is a real emergency and the carer has an accident or is ill themselves then this has to be arranged and it might be better for the person concerned if they already have some knowledge of it
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,875
    Kent
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #7 Margarita, Aug 5, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2007
    I Also agree , not matter what anyone says , if you can't switch your mind of from worrying , because your seeing him being left in a chair all day not taken out , its not really a respite for you .

    I must admit they tell me that in different home they have entreatment , same respite do have that and I have seen it , other don't they have a garden and they all just left siting they , I have not thought to deep after I have left mum they for a week or 2 , because I Really need the break or I would of been just like you wanting to take her home half way during the week , also the further away the home the better , as it stop me from visiting or I Go away on holiday , but when I Get back see mum just siting they . I Just think she not going to that home next time , just that the good home she does go to are always book up , when I take my respite , some time we are lucky and mum tell me she enjoyed it .

    I know its different for you as you must of been married for long so your husband is your world , so you don't go away on your own for a holiday to occupy your mind, your left with what do you do with all the time alone , so of course your thinking of your husband alone , then visiting him so his seeing you so of course he says he wants to go home .

    bring him home just ring SW and bring him home , telling SW you just did not like the care your husband was receiving, that show her to find your husband a better care home the next time , if you still want a next time
     

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