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Help I'm struggling - Time for a Care Home

Suemmalf

Registered User
Apr 27, 2015
16
Oxton, Wirral
Hi Everyone,

I am new to TP and have been reading through all of the posts to try and help me with the decision of when is the right time for a CH.

Mum was diagnosed a good few years ago and to be honest I think she had the onset for a few years prior to that. My sister and I have moved back home to care for her, however we both have full time job's. We have daily help, however not very successfully, as mum spends most of her time asking them to leave and refusing any or all help.

Mum's GP has told us that it is time for alternative care as over the last 6 month's mum has rapidly gone down hill, refusing any help, we have to fight with her to get her washed, dressed, changed, to eat, to drink, to take her medication. This on top of all the activity she seems to get up to: not making any sense whatsoever, taking all of the food out of the fridge and leaving it all round the house, leaving dirty toilet paper all over the house even throwing it behind the television, half eaten food everywhere, talking to two stuffed animals and petting them as though they are real, talking to herself at every opportunity, hitting and spitting at my sister and I and generally being nasty, also a load more traits.

My sister and I are at the end of our tether. We are worried sick when we are not home and when we are at home, we just dont know what to do anymore. We tag team, if one doesnt work the other one tries, but I just dont know how long I can go on.

I know each case is different but does anyone know what stage we are at, if it is now time!
Worried sick all of the time!
Sue
 

Austinsmum

Registered User
Oct 7, 2012
305
Melton Mowbray
Hi Sue and welcome to TP.
You ask about stages and and reading through your post I think you are at a 'crisis' stage. To prevent either you or your sister cracking under the continual strain of caring something has to change. A stepping stone to a CH could be respite care. Have you started to look around at CHs? It would be a good idea to get a feel of what's out there and maybe think of booking mum into a 'hotel' whilst you 'get the bathroom decorated' :roll eyes: Just for a week or so.
:)
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,962
Brixham Devon
It does seem like your Mum would benefit from being in a CH. Her GP wants that and you and your Sister are so stressed and shouldn't have to put up with violence. Then there is the safety aspect; you could get hurt, your Mum's hygiene sounds iffy to say the least and things may get worse. Better to find a CH for your Mum now when you can do so in a controlled manner rather than wait for a crisis to happen.

Do you have any Power of Attorney? That would help. Has your Mum got a Social Worker? If so phone the SW ASAP. At the very least phone adult services or your Mum's GP. It's hard to make such decisions -it really is and I don't think that anyone makes them lightly.

Take care

Lyn T XX
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
Sue - I can't find it atm but somewhere on here is a link to an Australian expert who defines dementia's stages in terms of the carers' experience. That is to say: if you think it's time for your mum to move to a care home then she is indeed at a fairly advanced stage. No doubt someone will be along soon to point you in the right direction to the youtube link.
Don't let the guilt monster get you. You have the right to a life, and so does your sister.
 

Suemmalf

Registered User
Apr 27, 2015
16
Oxton, Wirral
Thank you both so much for responding quickly. We called the SW on Monday and are waiting for a follow up call to discuss next steps, which I think is a capacity assessment and a financial assessment. I guess we have just been putting off the CH viewing hoping that we can cope for that little bit longer, but as you say below we are pretty much at crisis stage now it's just really hard (she is still my mum). However, I would rather have her around for a little longer in a controlled environment rather than being at risk at home incase something happened.

We dont have Power of Attorney, and were sent packing when we went to a solicitors for Advice as mum wouldnt be able to grant them authority for the solicitors to provide that for us!!! its just a tangled web.

Sue :) x
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
It certainly sounds like time to me. When family cannot cope any more, when they are at the end of their tethers, and the person is also rejecting outside help, then to me it is definitely time.

Please do not let anybody make you feel bad or guilty or uncaring, although most of us do feel bad anyway, even though we know there is really no alternative any more. There is sometimes a (mostly) unspoken assumption that family (and usually daughters) should be willing to sacrifice their entire lives to caring for a parent, and that it is selfish if they do not. (Funnily enough, this view is often held by people who don't have much of a clue about dementia, and certainly have no experience of trying to care for someone with the disease.)
But the fact is, by the time someone needs the level of care and supervision you describe, then a good care home - and many are very good - is very often the best place. There are staff on duty 24/7 - they have breaks and can go home at the end of their shifts - they are not worn down and utterly exhausted with it all.
All the best.
 

Suemmalf

Registered User
Apr 27, 2015
16
Oxton, Wirral
Sue - I can't find it atm but somewhere on here is a link to an Australian expert who defines dementia's stages in terms of the carers' experience. That is to say: if you think it's time for your mum to move to a care home then she is indeed at a fairly advanced stage. No doubt someone will be along soon to point you in the right direction to the youtube link.
Don't let the guilt monster get you. You have the right to a life, and so does your sister

Thanks RedLou, and yes you are right. I have the right to a life too!
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,592
Yorkshire
It certainly sounds like time to me. When family cannot cope any more, when they are at the end of their tethers, and the person is also rejecting outside help, then to me it is definitely time.

Please do not let anybody make you feel bad or guilty or uncaring, although most of us do feel bad anyway, even though we know there is really no alternative any more. There is sometimes a (mostly) unspoken assumption that family (and usually daughters) should be willing to sacrifice their entire lives to caring for a parent, and that it is selfish if they do not. (Funnily enough, this view is often held by people who don't have much of a clue about dementia, and certainly have no experience of trying to care for someone with the disease.)
But the fact is, by the time someone needs the level of care and supervision you describe, then a good care home - and many are very good - is very often the best place. There are staff on duty 24/7 - they have breaks and can go home at the end of their shifts - they are not worn down and utterly exhausted with it all.
All the best.
I'd echo that. When you're writing Help I'm struggling - Time for a Care Home as the title of your thread, then it invariably is.
 

Blackfield

Registered User
Mar 8, 2015
21
It definitely sounds as though it is time. I had to make that decision a few weeks ago as it was killing my mum trying to look after dad. It has been an incredibly upsetting experience and dad would certainly never have agreed to go into a CH. We still cannot visit him as he is so angry with us. However, the staff, who are amazing, say he is settling in very well! Our lives are gradually returning to normal and it's great to see mum smile again.

Your mum will never agree to it so you have to be strong and make that decision for all of your sakes. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you still have a few dark places to go through yet.
 

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