Help I think I am going crazy

[Luluem63]

My Mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia 18 months ago which involved her giving up driving as well due to bad eyesight. The doctors recommended she stop driving but she has always blamed me ever since as she tells everyone . I moved her in with me 3 months ago and I am struggling with believing she has dementiA. The reasons for this are:
When she lived at Home she called on a daily basis to say she couldn't work her sky remote but in 3 months of being here has not struggled once with the remote
When she moved in she blatantly told me life was all about her now and she was the only important person we had to think about
When I have mentioned various dementia symptoms to her she has gone and got them the day after and never again
I am finding it so difficult to live with her I am now considering putting in her in a home and I am suffering huge amounts of guilt through questioning her every action
She goes on he bus into town and gets what she needs on a regular basis with no problems
She has gone down to less than 6 stone and has had test possible from the hospital and turns out there is nothing wrong with her. The doctor actually thinks she is starving herself and when I speak to her about it she says she cannot be bothered to make anything as I'm sure she thinks I will do it all. She managed to feed herself all the time right up until moving in with me and cleaned all her house before it was sold and now cannot seem to manage to do anything and sits and waits for me to do it.
Is this normal behaviour ???

 

[marionq]

Doesnt sound typical I must say. She is finding her way around without help etc so perhaps sheltered housing might be a better way of getting her out of your hair and a bit more independent.

 

[fizzie]

I agree with Marion, from the things you have said a home would not be appropriate - soul destroying with that degree of independence but extra care housing or flexi care housing or sheltered housing but the first two would give her care for the longer term. I know many people living in extra care or flexicare housing with dementia and living well

 

[Katrine]

Hello and welcome to TP. I would answer your last question with the obvious answer - there is no such thing as normal with dementia! However, if you mean is it common behaviour, then I would say it is quite common for an older person to become dependent on the caregiver that they live with.

It sounds as though your mum was anxious when she lived alone but is now coping much better because you are taking on all the household responsibilities for her. She is less stressed, while you are getting more and more stressed because of her increasing dependence and passivity.

A person with dementia is not going to get better, but they can show improvements with optimum care. I think this is what you are observing. This is often seen when a person goes into residential care, having been self-neglecting and anxious prior to that.

This is not a criticism, it is an observation: You are too close to the problem. She is your own mother, to whom you have a strong emotional attachment. You are struggling with being taken for granted, and feeling that she should make more of an effort. She goes off on the bus and enjoys herself, but comes home and becomes passive, expecting you to look after her. She seems quite capable of doing some things, but 'chooses' not to do them. Not unlike a teenager really. Even her 'irresponsible' attitude to nutrition is like that of a teenager.

Unlike a teenager, she will NOT grow out of it, or learn to understand your needs. Whether it is dementia, or just old age, she will probably continue to be selfish and ungrateful by the standards of normal adult behaviour. There may be a degree to which she could behave more kindly if she wanted to, but that is academic. Stop being hypervigilant about her motivations; it is, as you say, driving you crazy, and it is not going to change her behaviour.

I would also find the weight loss and poor eating to be a great worry. Poor nutrition tends to make people more listless and lacking in motivation, but I wouldn't see that as the main reason to get her to eat better. You have already explored medical assessment of the problem. Perhaps you should look at organising for her a spell of respite in a nursing home where the trained staff can observe and work on her nutrition. Sometimes people eat better in a social environment when they can't be bothered to do so at home.

I don't agree with the previous posters that sheltered housing is necessarily the way to go. If your mum wants to be independent then Yes, but it sounds as if she wants to be looked after. She feels safe with you, but might struggle alone, even with carer visits.

 

[Luluem63]

Hi and thank you all for your comments. It helps just speaking to people who understand . Katrine I think you may be right as since the Alzheimer's association made a visit last week she has been trying to be so different. I thought it was because they mentioned to both of us about her going to a residential home or maybe sheltered housing so therefore is trying her hardest to be a little easier to live with. Our first plan was to build an extension to the house that she could live in independently, this was due to begin being built in Mid March. Due to me not coping at all, to the extreme of crying driving home from work most nights and thinking life would be easier without me here, I then decided a care home was the only answer. But the guilt I am feeling about this is huge

 

[Luluem63]

Lavender45

Thanks Lavender45 I can reply when I have made ten posts unfortunately good to hear your comments though and hope your ok

 

[Angela57]

I fully understand how you feel. I feel exactly the same about my Mum.

However hard I try, I cannot stop taking her harshness and deviousness personally.

I've just been told to think about myself more, but find it hard not put Mum first, no matter what she throws at me.

Try to look after yourself too.

Ang