Help i could do with some advice

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Nici, Jan 7, 2007.

  1. Nici

    Nici Registered User

    Help! I could do with some advice!

    Not sure if I'm posting this in the correct place but a little confused how to use the site at the moment sorry!
    I could really do with some advice as my mum has dementia but has not yet been diagnosed. She point blank refuses to go to the doctors and we have managed once to get her to go to the memory clinic where they did the memory test on her. She didn't score very higly but after the test she got really upset and cross and said there was nothing wrong with her so why were people doing 'this' to her?? Somebody then went to the house and she again got irrate and has mentioned the 'man with the case' again and again since then. A Mri scan has been arranged several times for her but she just cries and refuses to go saying, "Why are you all doing this to me? There's nothing wrong!" My poor dad who is 75 but fairly fit, is finding it so upsetting himself and mum is taking most of her anger out on him! Mum always did everything in the house and dovoted her life to bringing us up when we were kids then looked after my two children when they were young and I worked, so she has only ever been a house wife and mother and doesn't have any other interests. She gets cross when dad tries to change the bed sheets for example but she no longer does it herself. Also the main cause of upset at the moment is getting her to wash and bath. Dad has tried all approaches but she ends up screeming at him and often running to me or my husband crying saying he's telling her shes dirty. She even runs a bath sometimes and pretends she got in but doesn't. Dad is so concerned as she does often smell now and he's worried about:confused: infection. She is not at the stage where we could wash her as she is still very able and won't accept help. She is so different to the mum and wife we've always known and we're finding really hard to help her as she is in total denial. Can anyone offer me advice please???
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #2 Margarita, Jan 7, 2007
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2007
    Hi Nici

    welcome To TP

    Hope one of the
    Moderator pop in so they can move your post so you can get more responses, I sure one will pop in soon .

    PS


    My mother use to say that to me , also would I cover up for her, its all very sad when she said Why you are all doing this to me.

    it was hard but somehow I took her for her brain scan she was not happy is all I can remember , but she went
     
  3. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Nici

    Welcome to TP! It was fine to post where you did, several other new members have. However I think sometimes people don't notice when there are new posts there, so I've started a new thread for you. Hope that's OK.

    Áine
     
  4. lynjim

    lynjim Registered User

    dementia

    Hi nicki i am new to this site as well my mum as dementia and she won't wash or get in the bath and says she is not dirty its very hard to accept that its not your mum anymore and my heart goes out to you. I am in the same boat but we are getting help for mum now but its not easy to get we talked to the gp first then they got the c p n invovled and they are brilliant with the family and mum my stepfather has found it hard to cope with mum so they only have me but keep trying it will help in the long run take care lynne
     
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,437
    Hi Nicki, welcome to TP

    You say your mother will sometimes run a bath but not get in it. Is it possible that she is now afraid of water, but refusing to admit it? I think others have mentioned this in other contexts. It doesn't help with the primary problem (i.e. not bathing) but it might help to explain why she is going to such lengths to avoid it. The other thing is: when she comes to you or your husband what do you actually say? Sometimes people pussy-foot around the issue, which isn't going to help much, although, as I said if she's actually frightened, being direct probably won't help either.

    Jennifer
     
  6. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,511
    It might pay to engage in some subterfuge regarding the tests. You could say that they are routine health checks for someone her age (whatever ages she is, if she is over 75 years old say they are routine checks made for everyone who is over 75!). If your dad is of similar age it might be worth seeing if he could pretend to take the tests too (ask about this, the worst they can say is "no"!)

    It is also possible that she is frightened by the tests, or frightened that she will be told something bad after them, or scared that she will "fail" in some way and be taken away to a home.

    As to bathing, is is possible that she is either frightened of the water, or that she could slip and fall in the bath? Is is possible that she has done that and not told anyone for fear of being branded an invalid?

    Again you could enagage in some subterfuge and look into getting rails and things for the bath and claim that they are for your dad but that mum can use them if she likes...
     
  7. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi Nici,

    As regards fear of water, I have read of this several times here, and think it's one of those 'common symptoms' which doctors have never heard of but family carers DO notice.

    The bath rails are a good idea (as is the necessity for white lies!) If you (or Dad) ring your health centre and ask for the number of your local Occupational Therapy clinic, they should send someone to assess the house and possible aids to make living easier.

    Best wishes
     
  8. jan.

    jan. Registered User

    Apr 19, 2006
    405
    Cheshire, UK.
    Hi Nici,

    Welcome to T.P.

    I found that when dad started neglecting himself, the suggestion of having a "pampering day" went down ok. I was thinking that maybe this suggestion would be better received by your mum. The "pampering day", could include bath & hairdressing day, to lift her spirits. This would enable you to get a carer in once a week to bath her, & maybe it would take some of the worry off your dad.

    Hope this will help your situation, good luck & please keep us informed how you go.

    Jan. :)
     
  9. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    6,847
    Hi Nici,

    Lot's of good advice already about bathing. Can I also recommend the Society's factsheet on this:

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/Caring_for_someone_with_dementia/Everyday_care/advice_washing.htm

    A complete list of factsheets can be found here:

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/Facts_about_dementia/factsheets.htm

    Finding the best approach to getting co-operation for something like the MRI scan can be a process of trial and error. Your mother probably does know that something is changing within herself and is scared stiff. One approach is to try and reassure her that things can seem overwhelming at times, but a scan is one step to understanding what's wrong and getting some treatment. She may not know that there are drugs to help with "memory problems" and the sooner they're started, the better. Would her GP consider a trial prescription on Aricept without the scan?

    I have also read posts from people on TP who basically broke down and wept in front of their loved one and said that they just wanted them to get some help from the GP. For some people, seeing that their son/daughter was that concerned about them was enough to overcome their natural reluctance to deal with the issue.

    Take care,

    Sandy
     
  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya,
    That was the way it happened for us.
    Love Helen
     
  11. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    She gets cross when dad tries to change the bed sheets for example but she no longer does it herself. Also the main cause of upset at the moment is getting her to wash and bath. Dad has tried all approaches but she ends up screeming at him and often running to me or my husband crying saying he's telling her shes dirty. She even runs a bath sometimes and pretends she got in but doesn't. Dad is so concerned as she does often smell now and he's worried about:confused: infection. She is not at the stage where we could wash her as she is still very able and won't accept help. She is so different to the mum and wife we've always known and we're finding really hard to help her as she is in total denial. Can anyone offer me advice please???[/QUOTE]
    This sounds very much like my Mum, although it isn't Dad (he has AD also) who is trying to change the sheets, it's us. We got around this by getting them to go to daycare and changing bed, cleaning etc, when they are not at home
    Bathing for Mum is a total no no. We have tried everything suggested in the facts sheets, had rails put up in the bathroom, sorry, nothing has worked for us. The carers at daycare have tried to bath Mum, but were unsuccessful. While in respite the carers there also tried. To begin with at daycare, she would go to the hairdresser, so at that time, at least her hair was clean, but that is also a no no now. The most I can manage after a lot of persusion is washing her feet, but only one foot per night:confused: She has terrible phobia/fear?? of water
    Your Mum also is like my Mum in that she will not go near Doctors, Nurses or anyone whom she thinks of as medical. No one has ever managed an MMSE assessment.
    Sorry if I have depressed you with my post, but at least you know that you are not the only one with these problems. If you find any solutions, please let me know
    I am sure you will get lots of support on TP. I know I have.
    Alfjess
     
  12. Nici

    Nici Registered User

    thank you

    Hi all,
    thank you all so much for your replys to my message. It does feel great just to have people out there to talk to as I always feel such a pain going on about things to my friends (even though they are wonderful)! I usually just end up in tears and feeling guilty for doing that! We have since talked to the hospital doctors again and they have now made an appointment for mum in early feb to see someone pretty high up who will assess mum and hopefully prescribe something for her without the scan. They said they will try sending her the letter and this time (they usually send it to my brothers house as mum gets distressed).They are also going to mention her doctors name and cholestral tests as she always seems willing to go for her high cholestral blood tests. I'm just praying she aggrees to this and we will finally get somewhere!! By the way...........she decided to run and have a bath by herself yesterday which cheered my dad up no end!!! :D
    thanks again!!
     
  13. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Nici
    Glad to hear about the bath.....
    i had the same problems with mum and just had to keep trying,persuading,bribing her to get into a bath......but I could at least get her to have a "strip wash"....However as she is now doubly incontinent I have to insist I shower her daily.....I have just had to get very tough now and ignore the protestations.....but its easier for me as mum is now a lot weaker than she was......
     
  14. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Nici

    I totally understand the 'wont bath/shower', we went through the same thing with my mum, she used to really smell something terrible.

    However, now that she is in a NH, they have the same problem, although she does have the hair done once a week, which is great, but the shower is still a no no. They have managed a shower twice since last September, however, they do help her have a 'strip' wash most days, they just tell her that they will get into trouble with the 'boss' if she doesn't. A bath is out of the question, every house in the last 30+ years she has had the bath taken out, and a shower put in, so that's a no no too.

    With regard to her home, she stopped doing any sort of cleaning a very long time ago, and used to go crazy if I tried to do anything for her, that included washing clothes/bedding etc. So my son would take her out for the day, then my brother, SIL and me would clean like crazy, grab anything that needed washing etc. etc. mostly she didnt even notice we had done it, and if she did, I just used to say that I'd popped in and as she was out put the cleaner around cos I was bored waiting for her. Sometimes a little fib now and then helps stave off confusion, and helps perserve dignity, which I feel, even in mums confused mind, she still had.

    With regard to visits to the Dr. Mum would NEVER go. So.............we got the GP, Social Worker and Consultant to see her at home, we just used to say because she was over 80 they had a duty of care towards her and therefore they had to call to see her, this she accepted

    Hope this helps in some way to show you are not on your own, we have all been there is some way or another. Sadly I dont have nearly anything like all the answers, we just cope the best way we can.

    Best wishes
    Cate
     

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