help I am going mad

[gerrie ley]

I have been out in the garden tidying up most of the day I have come indoors and made our evening meal.Its now 6.20 my wife has gone to bed she is humming constantly hm hm hm hmmm. hm hm hm hmmm its driving me madI keep calling out will you give up humming and in return I get whimper whimper hm hm hmmm and knocking on the floor shouting come on to bed hm hm hmmm bang bang bang its half past six come on to bed evan the cat is fed up hes coming to me for peace Dont talk to me about patience I am at the end of my tether. There she goes again bang bang bang the cat is miowing talk about sick

I have been out in the garden tidying up most of the day I have come indoors and made our evening meal.Its now 6.20 my wife has gone to bed she is humming constantly hm hm hm hmmm. hm hm hm hmmm its driving me madI keep calling out will you give up humming and in return I get whimper whimper hm hm hmmm and knocking on the floor shouting come on to bed hm hm hmmm bang bang bang its half past six come on to bed evan the cat is fed up hes coming to me for peace Dont talk to me about patience I am at the end of my tether. There she goes again bang bang bang the cat is miowing talk about sick

 

[Margarita]

Join the club , I 've gone mad to .

why not join in with your wife and hm hm hm hmmm. hm hm hm hmmm alone with her

Humour aside , because you really need Humour do you have anyone that can sit with your wife to give you time out ?

 

[gerrie ley]

thanks

thanks Margarita no one wants to know I am stuck with it

 

[Margarita]

Have you got a social worker that can organise AZ daycentre or someone to sit with your wife while you pop out for a few hours?

 

[gerrie ley]

reply

We do have a social worker but my wife refuses any outside help she can be quite abusive

 

[Margarita]

she can be quite abusive

My mother like that with district nurses, , I say they should understand and keep persevering because they should understand that is part of dementia or have more training in dementia

Thank-god not with the carer that come around in the morning to wash her I turn it around on to me saying to mum that I was to tried that I was becoming ill, but I must say mum did not like it , when I needed help and I had to put my foot down , other wise in the long term , being realistic I could not of gone caring with outside help , its really was to mentality hard for me to copy alone

 

[gerrie ley]

relief

Its now 7.40 all is quiet perhaps she has gone to sleep although she says she never sleeps At last peace .... no way shes at it again I will just have to go to bed.She is now shouting I thought you had gone out hm hm hmmm as if I would what a game. Now its is the cat in where are you are you coming to bed.

 

[Irish_Lisa]

I really do feel for you and understand how difficult life is at the moment. There's nothing anyone can say, other than the normal advice of speaking to your social worker, looking into a day centre once or twice a week etc. All I can say is that I'm thinking of you and hoping that things will improve or get easier. xx

 

[Norman]

Hi Gerrie ley
You are not going mad,I can relate to most of what you write now and in previous posts.
I am very short on patience these days,it is somewher arond 11+years now since Peg was diagnosed AD so it isn't suprising is it.
She too has been on Aricept from day one.
Peg hums a little tune,I think it is the conga,she even does it in her sleep.
She has forgotten the word thank you and please and I get called names that I didn't know that she knew.
The killer for me is the sundowning,except it happens anytime now..
After all that confessional I do believe that part of the of the problem is me and my lack of patience ,at times,most times I cope.
I try to remember that this is not my Peg and at time my Peg does come through and we get a few hugs,also the guilt monster is around and he can calm you down when you are becoming angry.
Don't know if this helps you at all,it helps me to know that are posting and hopefully you will get some comfort from this TP family to which you belong.
Best wishes
Norman

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Hi Gerrie ley
After all that confessional I do believe that part of the of the problem is me and my lack of patience ,at times,most times I cope.
Norman

Norman, forgive me commenting on your situation, when I have never stood in your shoes, but I'm pretty sure that you are NOT part of the problem. Remember to be kind to yourself, because you are doing one heck of a good job. Regards

 

[gerrie ley]

To Norman

Norman I could have written your last reply.Your problems are exactly like mine.It is 12.45 am I have got up because I cannot sleep.I feel so guilty for being snappy with my wife.I dont know how to cope with this devil disease.I liken it to the Chinese water torture where the victim is fastened down and water is then dripped onto their forhead for hours on end. It isnt the first hundred hmms it just errodes your defences after a couple of hours.My daughter in law cannot stand this monotone it gets to her very quickly

 

[jan.]

Hi Gerrie Ley,

This might not help at all but have you tried relaxing music for your wife ( possibly something she used to like herself) Maybe if you play music you both enjoy, you can sing along to it and hopefully drown some of the hmmms away. Just a thought.

My dad also Hmmms, he seems to be doing it more and more as the time goes on. Like Norman, i find the sundowning (most of the day now) and my constant reminders to him not to smoke too much ( and he still runs out! ) Really pushes my tolerance levels to the brink at times, and (ditto Norman) the guilt monster rears his ugly head!!!

I find music helps to calm dad (he usually falls asleep)and at least i get a little respite from the constant Hmmming and pacing.

Good luck Gerrie ley, let us know if you decide to try it, as to whether you have any success with it.

Thinking of you,
Jan.

 

[gerrie ley]

Hi Jan and Norman

First of all what is sundowning? Jan my wife Mollie says she cannot put up with noise not music not television not anything.I have had to buy a set of radio headphones so I can hear the tele or listen to music on my laptop.I bought the laptop instead of using my desk top upstairs so to be with her.She calls it That bloody black thing.

 

[Lila13]

Sundowning--getting very restless and wanting to wander out in the late afternoon or evening.

(But my mother always was a night-walker even before she got ill.)

Have you asked social workers about a carer's assessment for yourself?

 

[gerrie ley]

Hi Lila13

Sundowning so thats what it is I thought only my wife did that and now with the clocks going forward tonight it will get worse I go out for two hours on a Wednesday night and my grandson has started to sit in with Mollie as he saw her wandering into the park in her dressing gown a couple of weeks agoNo I havent a carers assesment I didnt know there was one

Thanks for your care

 

[mel]

Gosh gerrie Ley.....
Whenever I spoke to the professionals about mums constant humming they didn't agree it was a particular characteristic of dementia.......I take a look at this thread and see so many others do it.
I felt I was going mad too......to the point where even when mum was in respite I could still hear it!!!
Mums humming varied.....but from it i knew when she was angry or anxious....the tone varied.
I also likened it to chinese water torture

 

[Lila13]

One doctor told my mother she had a right to go out for a walk whenever she liked and to wear whatever she liked (when I mentioned her going out after dark in cold or wet weather in her nightie).

I didn't get a carer's assessment because the SS in my own area insisted I should go to the SS in my mother's area, and by the time my request got through it was too late.

This might be useful:

http://www.carersuk.org/Information/Helpwithcaring/Carersassessmentguide

 

[mocha]

Irritating habits

Hi,
My husband doesn't hmmm but when his mother had dementia in the 70's she used to whistle through her teeth constantly.
My poor sister-law lived with her but my children found it highly amusing and I had to restrain them not to be grinning all the time.
I also found it intensely irritating.
No cure I'm afraid.
Aileen

 

[Norman]

Gerrie
have a look at this one,you are entitled to a life you know.
Sundowning is said to be at the end of the day"when the sun goes down".
I get it anytime of day.
Must go time for a tablet, and I might get a quiet evening,I wish.
Norman

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/After_diagnosis/Getting_support/info_communityassessment.htm

 

[Brianj]

Gerrie's message

When I read Gerrie's message it reminded me of all the times I stayed with my father, to give my mother some kind of break. I would travel from Finland 6 times a year for 7 days at a time.

One day (2000) I decided to sit quietly and record (by writing) 40 minutes of dialogue early in the morning while my mother prepared my father for the day. It was two years before he had to finally go into a home but during this period he was spending some days in Grebe(Peterborough) to give my mum respite. A helper would come in twice a day to help with washing and dressing. Both my mum and dad were 79 at that time.

That forty minutes was typical of a day, a week, a month. and a year. Like Chinese water torture the constant repetitions were very trying. My father was always polite and never swore but he was becoming more vulgar in his habits.

I have upload the transcript Word document here and remember this is 40 minutes out of thousands of minutes my mother cared for my father.

http://www.lsc-opisto.fi/Mum/Fortyminutes

I hope this doesn't offend anyone.

Brianj