Help ! How do I handle this?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by di65, Feb 21, 2015.

  1. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    768
    new zealand
    #1 di65, Feb 21, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2015
    For the last three hours I have been having to answer a series of interrogations on my identity. Are you Diana - yes. Tell me something about yourself to prove that you are. You are my mother - No, I'm your wife, your mother's name is Doris. Well, where is Diana, she should be home by now, she should have said she would be out late. I have had to get out the wedding album to try and prove we are married (and I'm afraid I have put on a few pounds and had a different hair colour back 46 years ago). I am just about going around the twist with the question never-ending loop. I have tried going with the the flow, but I seem go get caught out whatever I say, and end up getting accused of confusing him. Before I do something I will regret, can someone help - PLEASE
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,648
    Kent
    #2 Grannie G, Feb 21, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2015
    I wish I could help Di and I suspect everyone else wishes it too.

    I used to get this particularly at sundowning when my husband would tell me he had a real wife and a daughter and had to get home to them so I know how it feels.

    `I`m Di and I`m your friend. `

    All I can suggest is at times like these you promote yourself as a friend and see if that is accepted. There`s no point showing wedding photos when there is such a physical change after 46 years. There`s no point in explanations.

    Try to accept the situation. If possible , distract. `Let`s have a cup of tea ` etc. I know how distressing it is but as far as possible `going with the flow` is the only way it might make things better.
     
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,237
    Female
    England
    I too had this and I ended up as the nice lady who looked after him while he waited for Jay to pick him up. I sometimes walked out of the room and then came back in with a cheery hello and I was back as his wife.

    My husband would telephone me to see where I was, he always recognised my voice and would chat away to me but could not recognise me or my voice when I was actually with him. It is very sad and difficult but I became used to being that 'very nice lady' and he felt safe and contented to be with me while he waited for me to pick him up. Our home of 46 years was not his home either. As Grannie G says, distraction can help sometimes but it is distressing for both you and your husband.
     
  4. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello Di65
    I have the same problem as you everyday, l tried so much to convince him that l am his wife, nothing works, we just have to accept it we have been together 54yrs, l feel like you how can he not no who we are after so long, that is this horrible disease that we have to live with day after day. My husband does recognise me at odd times saying its lovely to see you again, ll haven't seen you for ages!! I just say l am here all the time it just doesn't register. Sorry Di thats the way it is upsetting for us
     
  5. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    768
    new zealand
    I have tried the friend who is also called Diana - because that is what he was calling me at one stage, but that got him extremely agitated because he kept getting up to check if the car was there, and then searching the house for me because it was home and I wasn't.
    SO hard:(
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,648
    Kent
    I`m really sorry Di. There`s no answer . It`s a living nightmare. xx
     
  7. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    So sorry to read your heartbreaking post. This illness is so cruel. Always said I could cope with the unpleasant physical tasks but the mental rejection was hard to take. Thinking of you.

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  8. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    From one Di to another who also had a MIL named Doris - it is so heart-breaking but has to be borne I am afraid. Just try to keep the answers as ambivalent as possible - I found after several months of it I was able to switch off but still give satisfactory answers until the next interrogation. Thinking of you with understanding - WIFE
     
  9. Jackie533

    Jackie533 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    4
    Can really sympathise. I have the same problem almost everyday and what's worse it's usually end of the day when I am really tired and struggling to be patient. My hubby always tells me what a nice lady I am but that he is married , sometimes don't know whether to laugh or cry!! Tried explaining who I am at first but realised he just can't understand, sorry can't offer any real advice only that I know how you feel. Best wishes


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  10. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Can't really add anything Diana, just wanted to say I sympathise too. Haven't had this yet (?) though he doesn't know who my sister is or where she lives. Even though he hasn't seen her much (not in Nth Is), he used to know.

    Hope you come up with something, one way or another.
     
  11. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    768
    new zealand
    I phoned the Needs Assessor (lovely sympathetic woman) today and she has made an appointment to come on Thursday afternoon and do a re-assessment. She asked about a UTI, but alas, it doesn't seem to be that simple:(
     
  12. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    499
    Scotland
    I can sympathise with this too - sadly it seems so common and it is natural to feel upset. I'm not sure who OH thinks I am - we have been married 54 years - but he seems to feel (at least some of the time) that I am a good friend who helps him a lot.

    No answers I'm afraid - sending hugs to you Diana and everyone else too. xx
     
  13. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    So sad for you Di - it was the hardest part of all for me to accept that my Husband no longer knew who I was - he recognised a friendly and seemingly familiar face but put a name or relationship to it - he just couldn't. Accept it I did after much heartache and many secret tears but now I find it so sad that the demon dementia managed to steal the most precious things from me - especially my Husband's knowledge of who I was after 45 years of togetherness. Thinking of you WIFE
     

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