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help how did people get over shock of diagnosea of dementia

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
276
my oh was diagnosed on 12 of this month with vaskala dementia. at time all he said was at least I no whote is wrong and just dident talk abought it .

but over last few days he as been.saying he will start and go out when he gets better I have told him it wont get better .and don't worie abought it .witch he replied it easy for me to say that.he as today told me he wonts to die.befor it gets worse I have said it might not get wore for a long time yet .but he still thinks he will get better .and if he don't he don't wont to go on .
the only thing is does at moment as memmorty loss and trouble with words when talking .so a long way to go but how did you cope with this thank you for idears
ps he is 73.i am 53
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
you might find this helpful
This leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

Do have a look at it
http://www.ocagingservicescollaborative.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf


If you can try to distract him from the conversation by just changing the subject he might just drop it, I just found it much easier not to discuss it with my mum
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello vannesser, my husband was diagnosedwith vascular dementia, and Alzheimers 3yrs ago, l knew 7yrs before diagnosis, his memory loss was quite bad, he was in denial, when the Dr. told him what he had, he didn't understand what he was talking about, so he still doesn't know what is wrong with him, it must be a great shock to you both, if your husband has only got Vascular dementia, he may only have short term memory loss, as my mother in law had that, she was not as bad as my husband. Try not to worry so much and take everyday as it comes.
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
276
Hello vannesser, my husband was diagnosedwith vascular dementia, and Alzheimers 3yrs ago, l knew 7yrs before diagnosis, his memory loss was quite bad, he was in denial, when the Dr. told him what he had, he didn't understand what he was talking about, so he still doesn't know what is wrong with him, it must be a great shock to you both, if your husband has only got Vascular dementia, he may only have short term memory loss, as my mother in law had that, she was not as bad as my husband. Try not to worry so much and take everyday as it comes.
I try not to its with him saying he wonts to di that gets me.its just as one min he not bothede then the next as if he nothing to live for like you said he is not as bad as your husbands ill ness but ts still there I try and forget till and if it gets worse but some times you cannot.

thank you again
 

The Chewtor

Registered User
Feb 6, 2016
295
64
Gillingham, Kent
dear vannesser, i am fairly sure that by posting here that you are looking for help & advice from carers and i cannot help you with that. i ahve mixed vascular and alzheimers. was diagnosed finally after 7 years, january this year. it was expected by then but still a big shock to the system and took a lot of getting used to. i kicked a few trees in frustration soon after being told. i cannot help much but if your husband is able to communicate here, or through you here, i am very happy to talk with him about it and help all i can.
good luck to you both

wayne
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
It may not get worse vannesser, you sometimes have to tell love lies, tell him it is only short term memory loss, he will always remember things from a long time ago, my husband still does, try to get out and about as much as you can with him, do you both drive, if so the summer will soon be here go to the seaside for walks along the seafront, thats what we used to do, thats if you are not to far from the sea. Aftef a while you will just learn to adjust to life the way it is now for you both, if your hubby gets too depressed, anti depressents will help him to feel better.
 

Lifebuoy44

Registered User
Jun 21, 2014
19
Sleaford, Lincs
Hi Vannesser

Sadly, it probably doesn't help to tell your Other Half not to worry; it must be a frightening experience to know that you will slowly lose your ability to direct your own way through life. When my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers, I tried to read as much as I could about what her feelings might be. I would thoroughly recommend "Still Alice". It has recently been released as a film and you might catch it on Netflix or similar, although I didn't think the film was anywhere as helpful as the book. The character Alice decided to commit suicide when she became too bad to do everything for herself, but when she reached that stage, she forgot what she had planned (of course) so your partner might never do what he threatens.
Nobody who is a Carer would call themselves an expert (certainly not me!) but I've tried to concentrate on repeatedly promising my wife that I will always be here for her and do my very best to keep her safe and well and happy. My wife trusts me and this seems to give her reassurance and happiness (at least for the present time, though this may change, of course) and I have learned to live in the present and be grateful for every good day with her. Each night I try to recall all the good things we have shared that day; this helps me to feel better with our situation. As a Carer, EVERY success is an important milestone along an otherwise difficult path, so remind yourself of everything you've done to make him smile, or to be comfortable, or safe.
He is your mission in life. I wish you every blessing and success in that role.
Lifebuoy44.
 

Lifebuoy44

Registered User
Jun 21, 2014
19
Sleaford, Lincs
Hi The Chewtor

Hats off to you! As husband of a lovely wife with Alzheimer's, I have seen something of the frustrations you felt (feel) and salute your courage in offering support to Vannesser's partner. I absolutely love the quote you attached about replacing "i" with "we" to turn illness into wellness. That is an inspirational message that I will try to apply to the role I am in.
My personal thanks to you, and very best wishes in your own situation and your helpfulness to other Carers and Cared-Fors.
Lifebuoy44
 

Owly

Registered User
Jun 6, 2011
538
If you look into things that will improve his circulation and try to implement them, then it may not progress as fast as he fears.

It's strange that when people are told they have heart disease, which is circulatory, they are told of many things that can help. But it doesn't happen that way with vascular dementia, it seems. And yet the basic cause is the same, just that the blockage and deterioration is in the brain.

A long daily walk, plenty of water to thin the blood, berries, olive oil, B Vitamins (especially B6 and B12), nuts, etc.

These and many other ideas are in the excellent book 100 Simple Things you can do to Prevent Alzheimer's and Age-Related Memory Loss by Jean Harper (look on Amazon, there are cheap used copies). You may not be able to stop the clock ticking but you may get it ticking more slowly. And feeling there is something you can do to help yourself can get that black despair out of your mind.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,662
Kent
Hello Vanesser

The last time my husband went to see his consultant and complete the MMSE test, the sentence he wrote was `I am getting better`. Neither I or the consultant contradicted him. If that was how he felt who were we to knock him back.

Where there is life there is hope and we can all quote how positive thinking in cancer patients can prolong life. Who says it`s not possible for people with dementia.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
my oh was diagnosed on 12 of this month with vaskala dementia. at time all he said was at least I no whote is wrong and just dident talk abought it .

but over last few days he as been.saying he will start and go out when he gets better I have told him it wont get better .and don't worie abought it .witch he replied it easy for me to say that.he as today told me he wonts to die.befor it gets worse I have said it might not get wore for a long time yet .but he still thinks he will get better .and if he don't he don't wont to go on .
the only thing is does at moment as memmorty loss and trouble with words when talking .so a long way to go but how did you cope with this thank you for idears
ps he is 73.i am 53
It's a huge shock to receive a diagnosis, as you have, and it's so bewildering for you to know what to do or say. But if your husband has hope that he will get better, then it's good that he is sounding positive, and your support in his belief would be wonderful.

Even if you know, deep down, that he won't get better, it gives you the chance to make lots of happy memories now, and do the many things you still can, as a couple. As you correctly say, you have a long way to go down this path and you can have many happy and fulfilling years together.

You might have to adjust things, as time goes on, but at least for now, you can do so much together. I wish you both well xxx :)
 

marmarlade

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
183
hi my hubby was diagnosed with vasuclar dementia nearly 6 years ago,he has been in care now for 15 months,every thing was fine up to about 2 weeks ago,now all he says is hes going to die ,he wants to die not stay where he is,he doesnt like having a shower or bath any more and gets quite angry with the carers ,the home had the Dr to him yesterday and it seems its the dementia changing ,so the are going to give him some new medication to help his depression and some thing for the carers to give him when needed to calm him down with a review in 2 weeks ,but all we get is like you hes going to die and its so up setting for us as we tell him hes not going to die but the answer is the same .lets hope the new medication helps put him back to where we were and wishing you all the help and understanding you need
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
276
sorry to hear this

hi my hubby was diagnosed with vasuclar dementia nearly 6 years ago,he has been in care now for 15 months,every thing was fine up to about 2 weeks ago,now all he says is hes going to die ,he wants to die not stay where he is,he doesnt like having a shower or bath any more and gets quite angry with the carers ,the home had the Dr to him yesterday and it seems its the dementia changing ,so the are going to give him some new medication to help his depression and some thing for the carers to give him when needed to calm him down with a review in 2 weeks ,but all we get is like you hes going to die and its so up setting for us as we tell him hes not going to die but the answer is the same .lets hope the new medication helps put him back to where we were and wishing you all the help and understanding you need
marmarlade
sorry to hear you going throue i.t it is upsetting I no how you mean and I have only just started this . where you have gone throue 6 years so I think there is more of this to come.
trying to take a day at a time but can not stop woreing abought the futcher and coming years but I love him and will be there for him. I hope the pills help your husband .and thank you for talking to me
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
marmarlade
sorry to hear you going throue i.t it is upsetting I no how you mean and I have only just started this . where you have gone throue 6 years so I think there is more of this to come.
trying to take a day at a time but can not stop woreing abought the futcher and coming years but I love him and will be there for him. I hope the pills help your husband .and thank you for talking to me
There's no way of knowing how long everyone's journey will be, and it's best to take one day at a time. My husband had Alzheimer's for 12 years after he was diagnosed, and only needed to go to a Care Home for the last few months.

Other people have a much shorter time after they are diagnosed, but you have the opportunity to have some lovely years ahead. xxx
 

keegan2

Registered User
Jan 11, 2015
190
When other half was first diagnosed I was so upset it took me a while to let it sink in fearing the worse. However as the weeks went by I realised he was still the same person before his visit to the doctors, obviously over time (5 years now) things started to change but they were all gradual and we just went with the flow. As a family we just seemed to except the changes as they happened, finding ways to overcome them. It was only last year when his mood changed and the aggression kicked in that things finally came to ahead and we hit crisis point it was as if all the bad things about alzheimers happened in one go wandering, swearing, lashing out refusing to eat , change. Somehow we managed with the help of medication (which he is still on now) to come out the other end. He is now not the same person prior to November 2015, he does not look the same, speaks very little, shows some effection and has turned into almost a man-child whom I do nearly everything for. We all still love him but I cry for the man I loved, the future we will no longer have, the tower I leaned on when things were tough, the father my child wants to play with, the dad who should be there to advise our eldest now is ready to start a life of his own. This is disease is not fair and we have been dealt with these cards and we will play them until we lose because in the end we are going to lose the only thing we can have is strength and love to help each other through it.......
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Vanesser, I really feel for you and just wanted to send a hug your way. It must be a huge shock to you both and it's probably natural to be up and down. I don't really have any advice but just wanted to offer my sympathies for your very difficult situation. xx