Help for teenage children to cope with dementia grandparent

[Lucinda33]

Hi, just wondering if anyone has had any experience of the best way to help teenage children to cope with dealing with a grandparent with dementia.

My daughter used to be so close to my Dad, he always called her his little princess and they spent a lot of time together, however, all changed when the dementia started and his attitude towards her changed and the relationship was lost. She is fearful when she see's him now as she has witnessed so many occasions when he has been so angry and nasty towards me causing me to cry, I actually think she may be grieving for her loss.

Does anyone know the best way I can help her ? We talk about all the good times and I have tried to explain that it is the disease that has caused him to change and it isn't the same grandad but I don't think this is making it any easier for her.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Lucinda33

Sadly this happened with my dad and my children, especially my eldest daughter, and I didn't find a way to make it easier for them. They were young adults when he turned on the eldest but we've had dementia in grandparents since their young teens and you're right "it's just the disease" doesn't help!

The way we dealt with it at that age was to limit visits to what they were comfortable with. I didn't want the memory of a loving Mama tainted with weird and frightening behaviour.

They don't remember much of my mum's illness because I set a task (like mowing the lawn or helping prepare lunch) so they felt they were helping but didn't have to witness what my mum would've hated them to see and hear.

 

[Louise7]

@Lucinda33 it's often a difficult situation for children to cope with. Is your daughter still in education? If so most schools/colleges/universities offer counselling services and maybe it would help your daughter if she could discuss how she is feeling with someone who is independent from the situation?

 

[Lucinda33]

Thank you, yes my daughter is at a great school and they are aware of the situation and she does talk to several of the teachers who are absolutely brilliant. I just feel I am not doing enough to help her, at the start I did ask the GP for help for my daughter to cope and indeed myself and my husband, but the only thing she came up with is that my daughter will forget it all. That may of been the case then as she was only 9 but she is 14 now and as things are getting much worse with Dad she is witnessing us struggling to cope more and this is making it worse for her.
We are now seeing Dad less and less as he is not interested in seeing us now so that will hopefully start to help as she isn't seeing/witnessing so much.
Thank you all for your help, it really does make a difference.

 

[Bunpoots]

I think it's surprising how children and teens view things differently to adults @Lucinda33 .

I recently had a conversation with my youngest daughter about how dementia had impacted all of our lives and it surprised me when she said she didn't really remember much about mum's illness. She was only just16 when mum died. My older girl who was 18 and a half was far more traumatized.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Lucinda33
I searched on the main AS site using the term teenager
these results may be of help

Search | Alzheimer's Society

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Lucinda33]

Thank you

 

[Lucinda33]

Sorry to only ask for advice all the time without giving back yet. The advice given by everyone has been an amazing help to me and my family, thank you so much.
Any ideas how to deal with the fear of dealing with the verbal anger/rage that seems to be getting much more frequent now. There is a regular pattern now with the same issues being spoken about even though most of them are from years ago. The same words are used and exact same agitation/anger/verbal onslaught although we have noticed that Dad's use of bad language has really increased.
I just feel so fearful all of the time now waiting for the next one.
I imagine this is going to get worse as time goes on (5 years now) and I must find a way to deal with it so I am in a better position to help Dad and stay sane myself.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Lucinda33
we're here to help if we can

I wonder if this may help you

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

it may be worth having a chat with your GP as some meds may help with your dad's agitation and anger

 

[Lucinda33]

Thank you Shedrech, I have printed this out and am trying my hardest to do these things.

The GP put Dad on Sertraline first which had a terrible reaction and sent the aggression through the roof, she then tried Mirtrazapine which didn't help either, then after the geriatric psychiatrist appointment he went onto Venlafaxine in 2017 along with Lorazepam. He took himself off the Lorazepam and the Venlafaxine has slowly been reduced down to 75mg now. I have a feeling he has stopped taking it though as he keeps saying "i don't need the nutty pills" and the anger/aggression is definitely more frequent.

The problem we have is that Dad's memory is not too bad, its the cognitive decline, personality change, anger and agitation causing most of the problems. Although 80 in a month he now thinks he is back at work and demands "meetings" to discuss how he wants everything doing where he will just rant about things and generally have a go at me. He actually retired 23 years ago !