help for new carer please


Registered User
Nov 26, 2007
i have been looking after my mum for 6 months after suddendly losing my father. she has been having problems with her memory for about 12months but somedays worse than others. i have been trying to get her to go to the docs but she is convinced there is nothing wrong with her and its all me! has anybody else had this problem, how did you get round it?

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear sag, welcome to TP.

! has anybody else had this problem, how did you get round it?
I don`t think there is anyone on TP who has not had this problem.

I got round it by starting to log all worrying behaviours....times and dates.
I then went to the GP by myself, and discussed the issues that concerned me.
He made an appointment for my husband to see him, with me, to discuss my concerns. It`s a long drawn out process but it`s a start.

Please let us know how you get on, if you choose to try this.

Take care xx

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
Hello Sag and welcome to TP.

As Sylvia said I think most people on here have had this problem.

My mum is still convinced there's ntohing at all wrong with her and she hasn't been able to speak for almost a year now!

We also had my dad in denial so it was a real battle.

We did as Sylvia has suggested - we made a list of all odd or worrying behaviour and I then went to mum's GP (who thankfully is also my GP and a great doctor).

It didn't give us fast results - I don't know anyway of doing that - but it does get the ball rolling.

Hope all goes well with you.


Registered User
Nov 26, 2007
doctor not helpful

have been to see mums doc on my own to tell him of concerns and ask for advice. he said he would note concerns on mums record but could not do anymore unless my mum went to him and asked for help herself, which she is refusing to do.i will start keeping a record of behaviour as you also suggested. thanks

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
It's unfortunate that the GP is of no help.

My only other suggestion is to lie, lie until your pants are on fire.

Can you make an appointment and tell your mum she needs a check up/a flu jab/an over 65/70/80 check? Anything to get her there?

Unfortunately, the truth has to go out of the window to get help sometimes.


Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
Hello Sag

I experienced similar probs with my mum. Having written to the surgery several times, the doctor eventually called me, but could not discuss mum's case, per se, because of patient confidentiality (which I understand). I felt aggrieved because I'd had to write so many letters. Eventually, I went with mum to see the doctor about one thing and I'd primed him to drop into the conversation about her memory. It worked and he referred her. However, up to that point she (and the various doctors I saw) batted my concerns away with the usual cr*p excuses.

As Katie said, you must tell lies in order to help your mum. Is she on any medication? Perhaps you can say the doctor wants to check this and they are doing 'general health checks' or some such story. Persevere! I found this part to be the most difficult, but once the consultant became involved, things did start moving. In any case, as I've mentioned to a new poster on here today, it might not be dementia, so to be sure, the doctor should rule other things out.

I hope you get something sorted. You have done the right thing.:)


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
convinced there is nothing wrong with her and its all me! has anybody else had this problem

Thats just what my mother told me , doctor in UK thought it was down to grief of my father passing away so gave her ant depression tablets , but when she sold up move abroad it got worse , so had to fly abroad as her sister was phoning
complaining about mum , had to get her to the doctor on the portents of her diabetic medication , doctor released something was wrong and done an appointment to see the elderly consultant , also white lie why she had to go they , then told him every thing in front of mum while she said I was betraying her , consultant done memory test , then sent her for brain scan
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Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Hi sag, and welcome to TP.

The situation you face is a difficult one my mum never accepted anything was wrong with her either. My dad was forever telling their GP that mum had problems and he said he would keep a eye on her.

We were lucky with mum's GP as once we took note of the odd behaviours and plus his own observation through conversation he sent her off to the geriatrician.

I hope that you are able to somehow persuade your mum to visit her GP.

Kate P said:
My only other suggestion is to lie, lie until your pants are on fire.
Yesterday, when I was at the care home there was a conversation about; Hating to have to lie, and someone said, Look at it as creative thinking. Good Luck.


Registered User
Nov 7, 2004
Hi Sag

Had exactly the same problem as you have.

It took me over two years to progress from the worried about mum stage to actually getting her to see the consultant and have the tests.

Writing to the doctor and keeping a copy is a good move.

Mum had to see the doctor every six months to have her blood pressure medication checked and I “gave her a lift in my car to save her legs” each time and went in with her and spoke to the doctor. But mum always said she was OK and the doctor agreed with her.

I also ran off dummy appointment cards on the computer so that she was unable to claim she did not have an appointment.

In the end it was during a visit to the surgery to have a routine Flue Jab that I convinced the practice nurse that mum had serious memory problems. The nurse went and told the doctor to do something… and he did.

(Incidentally I happened to read what the consultant wrote in his notes when mum’s Mini Mental score was 12 and she was taken off Aricept. He wrote that mum continues to maintain that there is nothing wrong with her and that she thinks she can remain independent.)

All the best


PS I expect you will have made sure you have a Lasting Power of Attorney set up so you can run your mums affairs