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Help for main carer

Dragonfly1

Registered User
Jan 1, 2020
30
Haven’t posted for awhile, but as some of you may see it is very late and I can’t sleep. So I’ve been living now with my parents since 21/2/20. I’m in lockdown with my mum and dad. Dad has Alzheimer’s. Tonight mum had a bit of a meltdown. Of course this is allowed - we are living in strange times and neither mum or dad have been out of the house for weeks and weeks. Dads in the most extremely vulnerable category too.
So Dad didn’t recognise mum as his wife tonight. This is a nightly occurrence. Dad was diagnosed in 16/12/19. Mum has been so patient and calm with Dad. She was so distressed I didn’t know what to do. We did all hug each other eventually, but Dad still didn’t believe mum was his wife so his distress continued. Mum had to take herself off to bed while I had to convince Dad he was safe and in his own home. He eventually went to bed but was heavy hearted and unconvinced about who he was sleeping with. I want to swear but I’ll spare everyone the expletives. Mum and I are running out of ideas, “therapeutic lies” etc etc. It’s so damn hard. Any suggestions would be gratefully received.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
669
Hello @Dragonfly1 . I have no experience of this myself but, if you type "husband doesn't recognize wife" into the search bar at the top of the page, there seem to be quite a few posts about that problem. Hopefully you can pick up some good hints and advice from those. You sound to be a good job under very stressful conditions. I hope you can find something in the past threads that helps.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
635
Agnosia
Agnosia refers to problems in recognising people and objects. Failure to recognise faces (prosopagnosia) may lead to the belief that a relative is not real, and occasionally this misidentification is combined with a duplication or replacement phenomenon in which the person believes the loved one has been replaced or is a stranger dressed up to look like the loved one (Capgras syndrome). This can be very distressing for person and carer.

I have cut and paste the above for you.
If you are telling love lies then it sounds like you are doing everything right.
Someone posted the other day to say if the ‘bad’ version of themselves left the room for a while the ‘good‘ one could then return.
If you find a particular love lie That works Please post back!
By the time of day you mention I am wondering about sundowning?
It may be worth putting that in the search bar for ideas ?
 

Dragonfly1

Registered User
Jan 1, 2020
30
Hello @Dragonfly1 . I have no experience of this myself but, if you type "husband doesn't recognize wife" into the search bar at the top of the page, there seem to be quite a few posts about that problem. Hopefully you can pick up some good hints and advice from those. You sound to be a good job under very stressful conditions. I hope you can find something in the past threads that helps.
Thank you so much. I will try this.
 

Dragonfly1

Registered User
Jan 1, 2020
30
Agnosia
Agnosia refers to problems in recognising people and objects. Failure to recognise faces (prosopagnosia) may lead to the belief that a relative is not real, and occasionally this misidentification is combined with a duplication or replacement phenomenon in which the person believes the loved one has been replaced or is a stranger dressed up to look like the loved one (Capgras syndrome). This can be very distressing for person and carer.

I have cut and paste the above for you.
If you are telling love lies then it sounds like you are doing everything right.
Someone posted the other day to say if the ‘bad’ version of themselves left the room for a while the ‘good‘ one could then return.
If you find a particular love lie That works Please post back!
By the time of day you mention I am wondering about sundowning?
It may be worth putting that in the search bar for ideas ?
This is a really useful and informative answer. Thank you for taking the time to write back.
 

Mynydd

New member
Jun 5, 2020
1
Hi I’m new on here but my dad had Alzheimer’s too. It’s very difficult when the person doesn’t recognise you . My dad found it confusing that my mum had lots of names that people would call her Marg, mum,Nan. Who was she? Perhaps just call your mum by her Christian name , it may help.
He’d often think I was my mum because he didn’t recognise the older version. Please explain to your mum that he still loves her dearly. It’s very hard but stay calm because he probably feels frightened that he doesn’t understand. My dad also had a This is Your Life book of pictures. He loved it and it helped to keep reassuring him through pictures. I hope this may have helped.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,635
Merseyside
Hi I’m new on here but my dad had Alzheimer’s too. It’s very difficult when the person doesn’t recognise you . My dad found it confusing that my mum had lots of names that people would call her Marg, mum,Nan. Who was she? Perhaps just call your mum by her Christian name , it may help.
He’d often think I was my mum because he didn’t recognise the older version. Please explain to your mum that he still loves her dearly. It’s very hard but stay calm because he probably feels frightened that he doesn’t understand. My dad also had a This is Your Life book of pictures. He loved it and it helped to keep reassuring him through pictures. I hope this may have helped.
Welcome to DTP @Mynydd
 

Dragonfly1

Registered User
Jan 1, 2020
30
Hi I’m new on here but my dad had Alzheimer’s too. It’s very difficult when the person doesn’t recognise you . My dad found it confusing that my mum had lots of names that people would call her Marg, mum,Nan. Who was she? Perhaps just call your mum by her Christian name , it may help.
He’d often think I was my mum because he didn’t recognise the older version. Please explain to your mum that he still loves her dearly. It’s very hard but stay calm because he probably feels frightened that he doesn’t understand. My dad also had a This is Your Life book of pictures. He loved it and it helped to keep reassuring him through pictures. I hope this may have helped.
Oh thank you so much for your reply. That’s a really good suggestion about using my Mum’s name, Hazel all the time. I’m living in lockdown with my parents at the moment and today had an argument with my Mum. We are all okay now but I feel guilty about everything. I live in the North East and have been here with Mum and Dad since 21st February. I’m a bank worker for a mental health charity and not sure if I have a job to go back to. I feel I have so many decisions to make about my future and my husbands too who is in lockdown with his mother also. At least something nice happened today;
I was painting the garage door with Dad and he said to me, “do you visit here very often?”
I said, “Dad I’m living with you I’m your daughter, Lynda.”
Poor Dad followed up with, “did you know I’ve got something wrong with my brain?”
I replied “yes Dad, it’s the condition you are living with which causes you to forget things sometimes. Then we finished painting the door. It was a lovely moment and I will always remember it.😊