Help, Dad's dementia is going to kill him and me

burfordthecat

Registered User
Jan 9, 2008
1,707
0
Leicestershire
Everything has changed again!

Hi Everyone

Thank you all for your support. So, where do I start. I did visit both CH today. The first was fantastic, I can only describe it as a 5* hotel. Could not fault it (apart from the 3 figure top up fee I would need to pay:eek:). I did get the impression from the manager that she possibly would not be happy to take dad. Apparently she does not really want any more dementia patients. - she only has 4 at the moment:(. It seems as though she wants merely "old folk" who don't have any mental or physical issues. A beautiful home for the well heeled.:rolleyes:

Next CH- awful IMHO. I am just going on my gut reaction and I did not like it.

On returning home, I had a call from my SW who stated that dad needs to leave hospital. He is medically fit and they want him out ASAP.:eek: SW tried her best to get another assessment bed for dad, closer to his partner. No luck. So tomorrow PM I will be collecting dad from hospital and taking him to the CH just a few mins drive from me.

Well, I am not one to just accept things so after my daughter had finished her swimming lesson, I decided to pop up to the CH. I arrived, un-announced to look round. I could not have been made more welcome. The manager was very helpful and was happy to show me dad's assessment room together with the remainder of the CH. It was an old victorian house which had been extended. Nothing small or pokey and there seemed to be lots of space for everyone, a choice of three lounges. I was even allowed to look into the kitchen where all the home cooked meals were prepared. :) One advantage of having a 3.5 year old in tow is that you can say you need to use the toilet. Lovely, nice and clean, obviously no problems with hygiene.:) So I can say that I am happy with dad going there for assessment. I am not however happy with the £40 taxi fare for dad's partner to visit. She is asking to go over every second day.:eek:

I am not sure what will happen after the two weeks. I guess that I will need to do lots of ringing around/visiting to try and find something for dad which is suitable. Boy, all this chasing around is exhausting.

Love Burfordthecat x x
 

Sandy

Registered User
Mar 23, 2005
6,847
0
Hi Burford,

I am so pleased that you went to the care home where the assessment bed had been booked and that you were pleased with the result.

It is only two weeks, but at least it will give you some breathing room (it may not feel like that) to explore other options.

Also, a good care home is always going to be a better setting for someone with dementia compared to a hospital ward. Hopefully, this will help your father feel a little less "fed up".

I am not sure what will happen after the two weeks. I guess that I will need to do lots of ringing around/visiting to try and find something for dad which is suitable. Boy, all this chasing around is exhausting.

I do remember this period when we were trying to sort something out for my father-in-law. I had the telephone glued to my ear and was constantly making lists of questions/answers. You've visited three homes already, so you've got a feel for how the process goes.

Take care,

Sandy
 

one united

Registered User
Mar 2, 2009
26
0
North West
I decided to pop up to the CH. I arrived, un-announced to look round. I could not have been made more welcome. The manager was very helpful and was happy to show me dad's assessment room together with the remainder of the CH. It was an old victorian house which had been extended. Nothing small or pokey and there seemed to be lots of space for everyone, a choice of three lounges. I was even allowed to look into the kitchen where all the home cooked meals were prepared. :) One advantage of having a 3.5 year old in tow is that you can say you need to use the toilet. Lovely, nice and clean, obviously no problems with hygiene.:) So I can say that I am happy with dad going there for assessment.
That is really good. Turning up unannounced is the best way to go.
You'll have a clearer picture from the assessment of what your dad needs from a home.
My advice if you can is to look at as many as you can.
Afterall you wouldn't look at one or two houses if you were thinking of moving.
Good luck :)
 

burfordthecat

Registered User
Jan 9, 2008
1,707
0
Leicestershire
Dad is now in assessment bed

Hi

Yesterday, I moved dad from hospital to an assessment bed in a CH. He is not happy what so ever. Yet again I am the worst daughter on the planet, he did not agree to this, he just wants to go home.:( I blamed the doctors saying that they insisted he needed respite. No, was not taking that, I had put the doctors up to it.

To start of with, dad seemed OK looking around the house. Put his things away in his room, then we (dad,me and his partner) sat in one of the lounges having coffee. Dad then started to get agitated. He was telling a lovely old lady next to him that his family had turned against him, just wanted him out of the way so that they could go and carry on with their own lives.:( and the best bit he asked the lady if she would help him escape. Is it possible that dad has gone back to the war years and he now thinks that he is a POW again.:eek::( Anyway, things got worse as he sat by himself at a table for evening tea, the other lady was supposed to be at the same table was having her leg dressings changed. So when I left dad he sitting with two small triangular sandwiches and a small pile of crips, head hanging down and saying "just go then, this is what you wanted.":( It absolutely broke my heart. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to crawl under a rock and make it all go away. I know that I can't do that and dad needs me to be there for him, but it is pulling me to pieces.

I plan to visit dad this morning, and I really don't know what to expect.

Love Burfordthecat x x
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
9,842
0
leicester
Burford
I just want to crawl under a rock and make it all go away. I know that I can't do that and dad needs me to be there for him, but it is pulling me to pieces.
Could you just leave your Dad at his house?

If the answer to that question is no;

Then from somewhere deep inside you you will find the strength to do this.
Sorry. A bit blunt but you need to believe in what you are doing.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS

Sunshine.. love and hugs
Helen
 

one united

Registered User
Mar 2, 2009
26
0
North West
Oh Burford :(
His behaviour is entirely NORMAL! However, that doesn't make you feel any less like a dreadful daughter does it?
My nan had to go to respite after her ehat attack. She was medically fit, but mum was going away for 3 weeks and so didn't feel right for nan togo home.
Nan cried EVERY day and begged me to get her home.
I did after nearly 2 weeks. When she got home she announced she was lonely and 'should've stayed in that place'! At that point my head hit the wall :D :D

I know it's not easy, but you need to bear in mind it is best for your dad. The home will be well used to dealing with this.

I hope you have a better visit today or at least sometime soon :)
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,442
0
Kent
Dear Burford

What a heartbreaking post.

If you can, throughout all the recriminations, accusations and verbal abuse from your father, try to keep one thing uppermost in your mind. Your father has dementia.

If he went back to his home, living by himself, he would be at risk.

You remember when it was snowy and very cold how worried you were in case he had no coal in, and how frightened you were he might fall, going to get it in.

This is what you have to bear in mind.

And if your father;

was telling a lovely old lady next to him that his family had turned against him, just wanted him out of the way so that they could go and carry on with their own lives

and says;

"just go then, this is what you wanted."

tell him he knows deep down it is not true.

And if the worst comes to the worst and you find it totally unbearable, don`t visit for a week and hope he will settle.

Discuss it with the home. See what they think and take their advice if you can.

And keep posting.

Love xx
 

tillygirl

Registered User
Jan 7, 2009
211
0
Tyneside
Dear Burford,

I do not have the experience of taking a relative to stay at a NH but remember taking my daughter to school. She cried for half an hour before we left and continued until..... I was out of sight. I think that it is similar, she settled, although she never liked school but did have a great time with the friends that she made. Your dad will settle and it will become easier once he becomes familiar with the staff and other residents. I think even I would find it daunting to go somewhere new and away from everything familiar. But you are near your Dad so that you can visit regularly and it IS the best place for him. You had two very long months of worry when he was on his own. This time is very hard for you because all you want is for your Dad to be safe and happy. Well he is safe and he can visit you, have a meal, be involved and share your life much more easily, this will make him happy I'm sure.

I do wish you all the best, stay strong.

Tilly
 

julieann15

Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
2,012
0
Leicestershire
Burford
Not only are you the worst daughter on the planet but also the best:eek:.At the end of the day you have done what is best for your dad.
He wouldn't accept outside help and was clearly putting himself in ever increasing danger. You have done this because you love him and want him to be safe.

Stay strong- perhaps when your dad realises he can see you more often and the stress of caring for himself is lifted he may accept your decision?

Love Julie xx
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
Burford,
You're over the hardest part, now you just have to tough it out until Dad settles in.

The manager was very helpful and was happy to show me dad's assessment room together with the remainder of the CH.

The most important part of a care facility is the staff. Obviously, this place has great staff, as you could look at everything. At least now you can stop worrying about your Dad. Hopefully :).

About your dad's partner/friend, I realize that you don't want to be heartless with her but surely there must be a compromise between you paying £40 per visit and her not seeing him at all. Can she not contribute anything to costs of the visits? She must understand the costs involved and unless you have a windfall of money, I think it's unreasonable for her to expect you to pay it all. Can your father's income handle part of the costs? I do think she should contribute in some small way. I know I've asked this before but when you have a chance, suss out all the alternate ways of getting to the CH. I know a taxi is the nicest way but that can't be the only way to get there.

It absolutely broke my heart. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to crawl under a rock and make it all go away.

Hang tough, Burford, you have been a loving, worried, concerned and caring daughter. Your father deep down knows this but right now is being a bit of a child, having a snit. Don't try and argue the point with him, it simply doesn't work.

Perhaps you had better take a break for a week or so. You need it and your dad might appreciate you more.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
Dera Burf

Your post is indeed heartbreaking.

And leaving the person you love in a strange place, to be cared for by strangers, is heartbreaking.

It's going to tear you apart, not just today, but for a long time to come.

But what's the alternative? None of us do it unless it is absolutely necessary. For you, it's your dad's safety. For me, it's the sheer physical impossibility of caring for John on my own.

Stay tough! As others have said, the worst is behind you. I hope your visit this morning was not too bad.

It won't have been good, unless you're exceptionally lucky, and you're going to have to remain strong for the weeks and months to come.

Keep talking to us.

Love,
 

Sandy

Registered User
Mar 23, 2005
6,847
0
Hi Burford,

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, but having moved my MIL into a care home 11 months ago, nothing in your post surprised me.

He was telling a lovely old lady next to him that his family had turned against him, just wanted him out of the way so that they could go and carry on with their own lives.:( and the best bit he asked the lady if she would help him escape.

These sort of statements are pure emotional blackmail. As a mother, I'm sure you've encountered emotional blackmail before, but it's harder when it's so blatant and coming from your parent.

You just have to keep your long-term goal in mind: you want your father to be in a safer, supportive environment where, eventually, he might feel content and even happy.

Just out of curiosity, what does your father's lady friend say about all this - to you when you're alone and to your father when you're in a group?

As this placement is for assessment, how is the assessment process going? Has your father been assigned a consultant? The whole process of establishing whether or not he has capacity is still to come ...

Take care,

Sandy
 

burfordthecat

Registered User
Jan 9, 2008
1,707
0
Leicestershire
Still hanging in there - just

Thank you all for your words of support, they mean so much to me.

Today, well it has been a strange day.:rolleyes: My first job was to ring dad's thyroid consultant and ask about the increase of medication as per his consultant at the hospital. (Dad went into hospital on a dose of 5mg every other day and on leaving hospital, he was on 20mg a day. What was worse no-one told me about it and I only knew when checking his meds for the CH. Basically, the hospital had been giving dad 8x the amount he needed.) Well, the thyroid consultant went "ape". He basically said that there is no way dad's dose should have been increased and to stop it immediately. I just hope that it has not caused dad any lasting problems.

Secondly, when I visited dad at the CH, he seemed OK. No mention of anything which was said yesterday. I plan to take hubby and my two kids in to see dad tomorrow, hope that it goes OK.

Something funny, I asked at the CH if dad had been up in the night. Well,:eek: apparently dad had got up in the night and turned off every light in the care home. (the staff thought there had been a power cut):eek: On hearing this, I laughed as did my hubby and dad's partner. Dad is even trying to save money whilst in care:D

Love Burfordthecat x x
 
Last edited:

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
Hi Burf

I'm glad the visit was better, it sounds as if your dad is settling quite quickly.

I'm glad he's saving them money, I'm sure they appreciate it!:D

Love,
 

julieann15

Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
2,012
0
Leicestershire
Hi Burf
The thought of your dad wandering around turning off the lights made me laugh:D- my dad was always trying to save money too:)- We had a coal fired system for heating the water but it never got hot enough so we used to boost it with the electric water heater. I am not joking but my dad "knew" when we had switched the boost on and would switch it off insisting that the water was hot enough- this was a man who would bath in the luke warm water after me,my brother and my mum!!!:eek::eek:

Off to watch the Owls today so will catch up later Burf- hope the visit goes well

Love Julie xx
 

DeborahBlythe

Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
9,222
0
Secondly, when I visited dad at the CH, he seemed OK. No mention of anything which was said yesterday.


Something funny, I asked at the CH if dad had been up in the night. Well,:eek: apparently dad had got up in the night and turned off every light in the care home. (the staff thought there had been a power cut):eek: On hearing this, I laughed as did my hubby and dad's partner. Dad is even trying to save money whilst in care:D

Love Burfordthecat x x

:) Bless your dad, Burf, for turning all the lights off to save money.:D (I think my dad would have done the same. He always was very careful about electricity!)

Too early to say if a corner has been turned but it certainly feels from your post, as if the light is beginning to dawn at the end of the tunnel. I hope you enjoy your visit today together with your family.

You've done your utmost for your dad. I hope your family give you as much support as you need, and that your dad's partner can find a way to keep in touch without all the costs falling on you.

Thinking of you and sending love and best wishes, Deborah xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,442
0
Kent
Hello Burford

I think all our dads would have done the same. That`s what people did.
Who knows......it might even signify he feels at home. :)
 

burfordthecat

Registered User
Jan 9, 2008
1,707
0
Leicestershire
Just out of curiosity, what does your father's lady friend say about all this - to you when you're alone and to your father when you're in a group?

As this placement is for assessment, how is the assessment process going? Has your father been assigned a consultant? The whole process of establishing whether or not he has capacity is still to come ...

Take care,

Sandy

Hi Sandy

Sorry for not having replied to your post. I ment to do it after my up-date but forgot:eek:.

Yes, you are right this is just an assessment bed for 2 weeks. It is my understanding that dad will just be watched and his abilities with be noted and all this information will be passed on to my SW (who so far does not seem to be of the chocolate tea pot variety;)) I have a meeting planned with her and dad next Thursday to discuss how things are going. No decision has yet been made about capacity, but dad's consultant, SW, our family (including dad's friend) all seem to feel that he does not have capacity. If that can be formally noted on his records then it takes away the worry of him saying he wants to go home and there being nothing that we can do about it.:eek:

Since dad has had his CT scan done, I have not been able to speak to his consultant. The only little info I gleamed from the hospital was that the results suggested Alzheimers. So at the moment, I do not know if dad will be offered any medication or not. Hopefully, I should find out this week.

In answer to your question about dad's friend's reaction. When dad was having a go at me, she just stayed quiet. She had never heard dad speak to me like that before and I think it upset her. I spent quite a long time trying to make her understand that it was not dad who was being horrible, it was just how he perceived things whilst having dementia. He was just trying in his own confused way to rationalise what was happening to him and the only way he could do that was to blame someone - me!

Love Burfordthecat xx
 

gigi

Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
7,788
0
70
East Midlands
Hello Burf...

I do hope you have some "good" visits with your dad and the family this weekend.
It does seem at long last things are starting to come together for you all!

Just wanted to send you a hug....

bighug.gif


and let you know I'm thinking about you...:)

love gigi xx
 

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