Help, Dad's dementia is going to kill him and me

[burfordthecat]

As a matter of interest has this friend visited him in hospital?

Hi Jennifer

Yes, she has been to visit him every single day since he has been in hospital. If I can't visit then she goes on her own using dad's taxi account or if I am visiting dad then I pick her up on the way. At this moment in time, I don't believe that she will walk away from dad, she has stuck by him for the past 20 years (longer than most marriages last).

I have today found another home which is closer to dad's friend and is only 35 mins drive from me. I did speak to the home which SS have booked a bed in for dad. He will be on the 3rd floor and will need to share a room. Again, my gut is telling me, NO! So, I think that tomorrow my first call will be to SS and tell them to get dad into this other home. One plus point is that dad will not need to change GP, Consultant etc.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Hi Jennifer

I have today found another home which is closer to dad's friend and is only 35 mins drive from me. I did speak to the home which SS have booked a bed in for dad. He will be on the 3rd floor and will need to share a room. Again, my gut is telling me, NO! So, I think that tomorrow my first call will be to SS and tell them to get dad into this other home. One plus point is that dad will not need to change GP, Consultant etc.

Love Burfordthecat x x

Hello Burf, that sounds better all round, though 35 minutes drive doesn't sound as if it is exactly on your doorstep, but a good compromise anyway.

You could perfectly reasonably turn down the shared room suggested by the SS on the grounds of your dad's privacy and dignity not being safeguarded.

Hope things work out well tomorrow for you.
x

 

[jenniferpa]

That sounds like an excellent compromise Burford.

3rd floor doesn't sound great, nor does sharing a room, although later on, I don't think a single room is so important.

 

[Skye]

I don't think a shared room on the 3rd floor is ideal either, especially since your dad is used to being on his own.

The new home you've found sounds good, let's hope you can get things sorted. You'll be so much happier knowing your dad is being properly cared for.

Love,

 

[burfordthecat]

Don't seem to be getting anywhere fast

Hi

Dad is still in hospital. I have asked SS if dad could be moved to my preferred home, but so far nothing. SS seemed to think that as dad has become a "wanderer" my choice of home may not accept him. If that is the case, where do I go from here?

Dad still believes there is nothing wrong with him and he just needs to go back to his own house to feel better. (Oh, if it was only so simple) Just trying to doing anything involving SS/hospital/consultants just seems to take an age and so much energy and effort, both of which I am running short of.

So far dad has been is hospital for 11 days and I have not spoken to his consultant once I have managed to grab the SHO a couple of times but it is all so frustrating. I am sure that nurses/consultants make themselves scarce when it is visiting time.

On the subject of glasses, dad has now lost both pairs in hospital and I don't have any others for him. I can leave him with glasses one day and by the next they are gone. So very very annoying.

Dad is now getting very fed up being in hospital, he keeps saying he feels fine and there is nothing the matter with him, why can't he go back home.! Very difficult to give him an answer which he will accept.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Burford

When Dhiren was in hospital there were Ward meetings once a week, and we were invited. I would ask if your dad`s hospital has such meetings and if you can attend. That way you get to meet representatives of all the disciplines who care for your father.

If such meetings are not held, ask for an appointment with the consultant. You will be unlikely to catch them at visiting time and should not have to `lie in wait` in the hope you will be able to `grab` them.

 

[one united]

Sorry I haven't read right back, but as an ex nurse / NH Manager, albeit nearly 3 yrs ago now, I'm happy to offer some advice.
You have every choice of where your father goes and do not be bullied by SS or the ward 'needing the bed'.
I absolutely hate shared rooms. My home had 2 and I would only put married couples together. I know I wouldn't want to share.
You need to know what your dad's assessed needs are exactly so that you can find an appropriate home. If he wanders, it is really important that the home / unit is secure.
The home must do their own assessment of your dad before offering him a place anyway, so they should be certain (as far as they can be) that they will be able to manage his care.
Ask SS for a list of homes in your area (or your dad's area) and if you can at all visit as many as possible and get a feel for a place.
I am happy to offer more advice on what to look for if you want.
Good luck xxx
Edited to add : personal recommendations are always excellent, but also look on CSCI for inspection reports.
http://www.csci.org.uk/

 

[burfordthecat]

Hi One United

Thanks for your advice and can I also welcome you to TP. The situation, as I understand it, with dad at the moment, is that the hospital want him out as he is physically fit. I have only just been assigned a SW (she is only part time- which is not helpful in the scheme of things.). She saw dad for the first time on Friday morning and booked him into an assessment bed (for 2 weeks) in a care home close to where I live, because they can't decide what else to do with him and this buys them some time. His room was on the third floor and a shared. I do not feel that it is the right place to put dad, bearing in mind it will cost me £40 a time in taxis to get dad's partner to visit. I then found a place in a private home which is more suitable, single rooms en-suite and closer to dad's friend. They have space for dad. SS said yesterday that they would be surprised if dad was accepted by this home, even for respite, because he wanders. Why does all of this have to be do difficult, dealing with AD is bad enough, but I seem to end up almost mummified in SS red tape and it is wearing me down.

All that I want is the best that I can get for dad, but everytime I seem to be getting somewhere, bang, another brick wall.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[one united]

Has the SW done an assessment? She / he ought to get one in place.
Stick by your guns and say you don't want yourt dad moved from pillar to post.
He should have a proper assessment of his needs and then decide where to move him.
Moving him unecessarily will only cause more confusion and upset for him.
As I said before the home of your choice will make their own assessment anyway.
Why not just ask if they would do this for you? They can decide then if they can cope.
Is it an EMI home or a general nursing or residential home?
As for the ward, they will be used to this. A bit annoyed as they'll no doubt want the bed, but still they can't just shove your dad out with nowhere to go. Are they in the picture? Have they instigated an assessment of his needs?
I hope you don't have too many more walls to bash your head on

Jane xxx

 

[Helen33]

Hello Burf

Why not just ask if they would do this for you? They can decide then if they can cope.

I've just been catching up and Jane's suggestion seems a good one and would only mean a phone call to ask.

I can imagine just how exhausting all this is and is going to continue to be until your dad is settled

You are doing a fantastic job and I hope you get a good break soon

Love

 

[Sandy]

Hi Burford,

Given everything that I have read on your thread for the past months, I would say that you should go with the assessment bed that has been booked for two weeks.

Despite it being on the third floor and shared, it is probably better than hospital or returning your father to his home when the support from outside carers wasn't working before. Your father will probably not perceive it as being much different from hospital and it will only be for two weeks.

The main thing is to make sure that this just an assessment placement as he is physically ready to leave hospital. It should give you time to make a case for the type of placement that you want for him in the longer-term. It will take some of the immediate pressure off the situation and your dad can be assessed to see what type of home he will eventually need.

Have you visited the home?

Take care,

Sandy

 

[burfordthecat]

Has the SW done an assessment? She / he ought to get one in place.

Hi Jane

Thanks for your reply. I started to reply earlier but then SS rang and I then spent the rest of the day visiting dad in hospital. So far, a formal assessment by my SW has not been done. She certainly has a good idea of dad's home situation, I took her back to his house after seeing dad in hospital. The saying of "pictures speak louder than words" was true for her. Everyone seems to now agree that dad really should not go back home.

Is it an EMI home or a general nursing or residential home?. Are they in the picture? Have they instigated an assessment of his needs?

It is a residential home. I have explained dad 's situation to them and they will be visiting dad on Thursday in hospital to assess his needs.

BTW I have also made enquires on another Care Home in the same area. I will be also asking them to assess dad in hospital. I plan to visit both Care Homes on Friday morning. I think that I will need to let my "gut" decide on which one seems right for dad. I don't even want to think about the top up fees which I will need to pay. I can only deal with one problem at a time.

Thanks again for your support.

Love Burfordthecat

 

[burfordthecat]

The main thing is to make sure that this just an assessment placement as he is physically ready to leave hospital. It should give you time to make a case for the type of placement that you want for him in the longer-term. It will take some of the immediate pressure off the situation and your dad can be assessed to see what type of home he will eventually need.

Have you visited the home?

Take care,

Sandy

Hi Sandy

Thanks for your reply. I think that I have already jumped the gun when it comes to type of placement for dad. I have decided that the assessment bed will not work, as it will cost me £40 round trip for my dad's partner to visit him. She has been seeing him every day (apart from today) whilst he has been in hospital and there is no way that my budget can afford a daily taxi fare of £40.

It was one of the main reasons why I chose a Care Home which was closer to dad's partner and only 35 mins drive for me (on a good day, without any tractors). Just to open up my options, I have also spoken to another Care Home in the same village and I plan to visit both of them this Friday morning. I am also tempted to get the second Care Home to assess dad in the hospital and then at least, I will have a choice as to where he goes.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[Sandy]

Hi Burford,

Just to open up my options, I have also spoken to another Care Home in the same village and I plan to visit both of them this Friday morning. I am also tempted to get the second Care Home to assess dad in the hospital and then at least, I will have a choice as to where he goes.

That sounds like an excellent plan. The idea of getting the home/homes to assess your father in hospital is particularly good.

We were in a similar position when my father-in-law was in hospital a year ago. From the moment he went in, we were sure that the time had come to move into EMI care. We had already looked at about six local homes (he and my mother-in-law lived 75 miles away from us and MIL was not able to do any visiting) and had his name down on waiting lists for two homes.

Once the hospital said that he was fit for discharge (about two weeks after admission), I was constantly communicating with the hospital social worker. Once they knew that we had care home managers coming in to assess him within a day or two, the pressure to "move him on" reduced somewhat.

Saying that, the two homes that we had in mind both felt that they would not have been able to meet his needs at that time, so we had to scramble and find a third home and arrange another assessment. The whole process probably took 5 working days.

Do you feel that the hospital/SW will be supportive of your plans and give you those few extra days to get the visits and assessments arranged?

Take care,

Sandy

 

[ChrisH]

Hi Burford
Just popped in to see how things are going with your arrangements and see you're having fun and games - not

I too am awaiting the results of mum's panel meeting that was supposed to take place this afternoon. I should hear tomorrow after they've contacted the home down here. Trouble is I'm working all morning and most of the afternoon so I'm going to be a wreck by then.

I haven't spoken to mum for a couple of days as the only time I get at lunchtime coincides with their lunchtime and by the time I get home in the evening and have had my meal (around 7.30) she'll be in bed - having a nice little nap before going walkabout around 3 am

The home I've got the room reserved at isn't an EMI unit, though they do have a keypad on the entrance and alarms on the fire exits. The keypad isn't always locked, but I'm hoping they'll agree with the SW who thinks if mum is happy and seeing me and my lot more often she'll be more settled and won't wander as much. Perhaps your dad will be the same. Failing that we could always try superglue. Mum is now convinced there's a conspiracy to keep her where she is and I'm running out of excuses as to why she can't go home.

I'm off to bed now so I'll catch up with your battle tomorrow. Good luck.

Chris

 

[burfordthecat]

Do you feel that the hospital/SW will be supportive of your plans and give you those few extra days to get the visits and assessments arranged?

Sandy

Hi Sandy

I don't think that the hospital has any choice, apparently they can't discharge dad until a suitable care plan is in place. Does this mean that I am bed blocking? If my SW was full time , I believe that dad may already have been move out of hospital.

I have just decided to take the bull by the horns and I am off to visit both Care Homes at short notice, this morning I will have my 3.5 year old daughter in tow but I feel that I need to see the places for myself, sooner rather than later. It seems as though everything hinges on SS completing their assessment of dad. This needs to be done before either of the Care Homes will assess dad themselves. Yet more red tape.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[gigi]

Hi Burf...

I've been a bit out of touch recently and am just catching up with things...

Just wanted to wish you good luck with the Care Homes today...

And to tell you not to worry about "Bed Blocking"...that's not your problem....or your fault.

I just hope you find somewhere suitable for dad and he can settle in ....and your life can return to a bit of normality...

love gigi xx

 

[one united]

Good Luck

Visiting the homes at short notice is a fab idea.
You'll get a proper feel for the place.
The homes will (or they should) do a full and proper assessment.
Are you bed blocking - I suppose the hospital would call it that, but the reality is that you can't move the red tape any quicker, so I wouldn't worry. Besides they're used to it.
Making sure your dad is in the right place is all that matters.

 

[one united]

Also

Unless systems have changed, part of the SW assessment will come from the nurses, drs etc at the hosp, and can be done quite quickly, as it's in their interests to do so. The slow bit used to be (and agian I've been out of it for 3 yrs so may be wrong) was the going to panel to secure funding.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Burf, just wishing you luck today, and to endorse Gigi's comment about bed-blocking. There are people paid to sort out bed-blocking, care assessments and care for the elderly. It's very public-spirited of you to worry about bed-blocking, but why not let the professionals take the responsibility on that score? You have enough on your plate.
Love Deborah xx