Help dad packing bags. Dont know what to do

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by uktoday, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. uktoday

    uktoday Registered User

    Jan 2, 2013
    39
    Hi

    Dad has alzheimers. Gets very aggressive verbally with mum. Sometimes physically. Hes kicked off again tonight.

    He's packing his bags insisting he wants go to leave mum and live with his brothers who live the other side of the country (and if honest do not want to deal with it).

    I don't know what to do. He is so angry. I can't reason with him.

    If I don't do anything he will go himself...

    Don't know what to do. Terrified he will get physically aggressive with mum or myself.


    Any ideas or advice would be appreciated. At my wits end...
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,421
    Yorkshire
    In no particular order:
    Don't try to reason - if he's anything like my dad he will feed off that and escalate his reactions.
    Keep any responses you make short and clear - no questions, no disagreeing.
    Stay away and let him do what he will, if at all possible.
    Keep yourself as quiet and calm as you can - fake it - so that he only sees you behaving as you want him to.
    Maybe leave a warm drink and his favourite cake/biscuit close by in case it distracts him and he sits to drink.
    Play some soothing music.
    If he does go can you follow at a a distance?
    I assume he has no back up meds to calm him - or is he too agitated to take anything?
    If you and your mum are at risk make sure you have a room to go to which has a lock and take a mobile. You must keep yourselves safe.
    I would actually suggest you call the police if your dad is a threat to you or himself - it may sound extreme but they are used to such callouts and will have a protocol to follow to help you.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,331
    Female
    South coast
    #3 canary, Sep 12, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2015
    Hello UKtoday
    You have posted a few times about your dads aggression. Have you contacted anyone about it?

    You cant reason with anyone who has dementia - it is not possible for them to understand. I get the feeling that each time he is aggressive and/or attacks you or your mum and then it is over you feel that its OK as its over, but you and your mum could be in real danger. You must call the police - you have been advised to do this in your other threads. He is a danger to himself if he leaves and you and your mum could well be in danger if you prevent him.
    I know its not a nice thing to do, but I really feel that this is a safeguarding issue.
     
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,421
    Yorkshire
    I agree with Canary - having just looked at your previous posts and how long this aggression has been going on.

    You now need some intervention - your mum has every right to be safe in her own home.

    Call the police and get things moving.

    Your dad needs help.
     
  5. uktoday

    uktoday Registered User

    Jan 2, 2013
    39
    Thanks

    He has gone to bed. But he is waiting for mum to get home and I know it will all kick off. He usually kicks her out of the bed. He won't take his tablets at all tonight. I'm dreading it.

    Insisting he wants a divorce and happy if she was dead. She does everything for him. He is so aggressive.

    I live in London and visit every second weekend. I just don't know what to do. He's not "so bad" that we can put him in a home nor will he let my mum have respite.

    On top of all this he is insisting we are stealing from him and wants to take all his savings out of the bank on Monday.

    If I am honest I feel so incredibly low.







     
  6. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,489
    Female
    London
    #6 Beate, Sep 12, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2015
    What are you talking about, he's not bad enough for a home? He is verbally and physically attacking you and your mother! What more do you need happening? Denial isn't a river in Egypt. You cannot live like that. Do you get any input from Social Services? If not, ring them! Ring the Dementia helpline or at least the Samaritans. You are acting like a typical abused relative but you need to understand that it won't get better. He can't stop through reasoning or love. It's not his fault but he can't change. It's the illness, and it would be kinder for everyone, including him, for proper intervention to take place. He needs professional help. Don't put it off any longer. You owe it to your parents - both of them. To be honest, he sounds like a prime candidate for sectioning. This would mean proper checks and tweaking of medication. The next logical step might be a care home. Please don't put your head in the sand any longer. The situation is unsustainable.
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,331
    Female
    South coast
    There isnt anything you yourself can do - thats why you need outside help.
    We have all explained this. Seriously, you cannot deal with this all by yourself. He could seriously injure your mum
     
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,421
    Yorkshire
    #8 Shedrech, Sep 12, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2015
    I am so sorry you are feeling so bad - we can't as their children control parents lives or take away the trauma, and how we wish we could.

    Is there somewhere else your mum could go for tonight?
    Could she at least sleep in a separate room? - one which has a door which will lock?
    Will your dad fall asleep and sleep through the night without his meds?

    The dementia aside - your father's behaviour is not acceptable and you must get help. This is an abusive situation.
    To me, this exact behaviour is a signal that he may be better 'managed' and supported in a care home - contact SS and his GP as soon as you can.

    I know it seems a step too far to call the police, but it is often a way to set support mechanisms in motion - so if he does kick off, call them.

    Sorry to seem so harsh - I truly wish I could offer more ideas

    PS Beate is spot on - Canary is right - maybe not what you want to hear but it's time to listen PLEASE
     
  9. uktoday

    uktoday Registered User

    Jan 2, 2013
    39
    Thanks for your responses and I appreciate it.

    Have been wanting to do it for months but mum has insisted I don't primarily because I think she may be worried for the added trauma of him knowing we called the police on him.

    I need to do it. Or at least insist ss are involved.




     
  10. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    uktoday, you have been posting in this forum since Jan 2013, that's over 2 and a half years.... Nothing is going to change unless you initiate that change, people with all the answers aren't just going to magically knock on your door and your Dad isn't going to get any better...

    Being an adult is really rubbish sometimes but you are an adult and you are going to have to face this situation and sort it out, it simply isn't going to happen any other way.

    Please don't be afraid of having your Dad sectioned, you will find many positives posts on here about it, as Beate has said, it is an opportunity for your Dad to be properly monitored and assessed and have his medication amended - you have said before that you don't think your Dad takes his medication as he doesn't now realise that he needs to.

    If you decide you are happy for things to go on the way they are now, or worse as your Dad deteriorates further, then obviously you can let that happen but none of your posts sound like that is what you want so if something is to change you need to act.
     
  11. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,665
    Salford
    Well Essie didn't pull any punches that's for sure, but sadly Essie is right.
    Sorry uktoday but things have to change and it's up to you to make that happen.
    Sectioning is a last resort but it's often a start to getting proper help not just a bit of respite every now and again. I'd google the social services 24 hour emergency number for your dad's local authority and get on the phone to them right now.
    Don't phone them up then go all "fluffy bunny" about it tell them what you've told us. It's D-Day whether that's; Do something Day or Decision Day I don't know, but things have to change for the safety of all 3 of you. Pick up the phone and good luck.
    K
     
  12. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,421
    Yorkshire
    I'm sorry to say, your mum is caught in an abusive relationship - and reacting in way I sadly recognise - but doing nothing because doing something may make him react worse isn't a tenable response - she knows it but is incapable of breaking the pattern
    so
    you MUST do it for her

    I hope to goodness you all get through tonight

    but a crisis will force you to act and no-one will think you did anything but the right thing

    We're all rooting for you
     
  13. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,474
    London
    Hi uktoday please get some help like you and your mum I put up with a lot of aggression because I didn't want my husband to go into a care home thought I could cope until I was quite badly hurt and realised that I was being unfair to both my OH and myself he was sectioned and is now in a care home where he has settled well and is much more contented please keep yourself and your mum safe xx
     
  14. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi.

    Lots of people with much more experience than me have replied so far and they are all saying don't delay, get the help. The situation you are in is awful. I can understand that taking the step of contacting the police or other assistance is huge, especially if it goes against your mum's wishes, but how would you feel if your dad injured your mum sufficiently to put her in hospital, would you cope with the guilt of knowing that you could have intervened? I know its not your dad's fault and that the dementia is controlling his actions, but accepting that fact leaves you with no real option other than to make sure your mum is safe, she might not like it, but there it is.

    As to your dad, the poor man needs help. There seems to be precious little help just offered, it seems you have to scream and fight for the help he needs, or there needs to be a crisis which forces action from social services etc. If you called the police if you feel threatened tonight and it was decided your dad needed to be sectioned he would get the help he needs. There is an ongoing post right now which includes many positive statements about the improvement in the behaviour etc of the person who had been sectioned and what good care they received whilst under section.

    On a thread recently I read the words "I guess I'll have to put my big girl pants on". The sad fact is we all have to make difficult decisions for our loved ones for their own good when like your mum they maybe cannot see the wood for the trees.
     
  15. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    I've read through this thread tonight and add my agreement to everything that's been said so far. It might seem a wise thing for your Mum to try and sleep in a separate room, but, if her husband then goes banging on the door, and I mean, really banging, like my husband did, as if he was trying to get through the door, that would be terrifying for your Mum.

    I know, because my husband did it when I was trying to get safely away and hide for a while. The whole situation is bad, Uktoday. It could be so easily resolved when those of you who care for him talk about what actually happens, and how frightened it makes you and your Mum feel.

    There's no need to continue living in fear. Do please get the help you need which has so wisely been advised on here. You'll be doing your Dad a favour.
     
  16. uktoday

    uktoday Registered User

    Jan 2, 2013
    39
    Thanks

    Thank you

    I called up police but was told they couldn't do anything until he became violent.

    They suggested calling crisis team who said same but gave the number for emergency assessment tomorrow.

    He is asleep now so mum asleep in safe room. Tomorrow hoping to get emergency assessment.

    Thankfully now mum agrees re getting him in home.

    I'm terrified if he wakes but guess will just have to deal with that if/when it happena.

    Thanks for being so matter of fact.

    I hate this illness.



     
  17. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    WHAT? He had to hurt one of you, did they mean? I'm going to look this up. That just can't be right. Well done for calling, though. You might have to become a nuisance on the phone, it seems, but if that's the case, then become a nuisance. They can't leave you like this. It's like waiting for a crime to be committed. Quite honestly, I'd tackle them with that if it were me.
     
  18. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,421
    Yorkshire
    uktoday I am hoping that no further post from you over night means that things were peaceful enough for you all to sleep
    and that the morning is quiet enough for you to get on with making calls.

    You may not have got immediate help from police or crisis team but you have now made contact - call both again at the slightest sign of your dad building up to his aggressive behaviour - and keep calling - they will then have a record of the frequency of your concerns.

    If you have a chance print out your posts on TP and write factual, accurate and FULL notes on how your father behaves - maybe record the last 3 episodes in detail - then hand a copy to GP SS etc etc - include the effect on your mother and yourself!!

    IF (and I hope it doesn't come to this) he begins again, can you discreetly film him on your mobile as evidence to show exactly how he behaves?

    Glad your mum is now on board about finding a home. Take that as full permission whatever she may say later.

    Wishing you all well today
     
  19. uktoday

    uktoday Registered User

    Jan 2, 2013
    39
    Thank you so much for you words.

    He woke up still angry but took him for a drive while mum called response team. He has calmed down a lot. Still angry but calmer and agreed to eat.

    Unfortunately there are no teams available today but we have booked one for tomorrow and I'm going to stay up here a couple more days.

    Least mum accepting there is a problem and not covering up now.

    It's such a mess. But I guess we are slowly going in the right direction... though admittedly I feel I'm in unchartered water without a paddle.

    Thanks again


     
  20. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Excellent move, uktoday. Really glad you've been able to make contact with the response team. Just keep it going, now. We are all right behind you. The Americans say: "We have your back."
     

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