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Help .... dad brought home by Police twice this week

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Talking Point' started by NIKNOK, Nov 2, 2018.


    NIKNOK New member

    Aug 27, 2018
    My Dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July this year following a stroke last Oct and a subsequent stroke at the end of July. His dementia has taken hold and we are at the mercy of this cruel illness. He is 83 and my mum is his main carer and 74. My sister and are are at our wits end - He has become very physical and tried to smash his way through a glass door to leave the house this week - to avoid injury Mum had to open the door and let him go. Needless to say he was off running and soon became lost - the Police were called and after much searching he was found only for the same thing to happen the following day. He is now wearing a gps tracker and today has become difficult and left home again - I’m worried that he is a danger to himself and others and will cause an accident. My sister and I are trying to hold down jobs but it is impossible to function when my lovely dad is deteriorating by the day, Mum is adamant that he is staying at home but we can see her going down by the day and she is struggling . I’m heartbroken and feel lost, I lie awake most nights trying to solve this wondering what I can do to put it right but I’m now reaching saturation point - I broke down today in front of Dad, he stroked my face and wiped away my tears not realising that he is the reason behind them. We have the dementia crisis team coming out tomorrow so we will wait for their feedback. Thank you for listening x
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    The social services will almost certainly advise a care home at present as he is not safe. This happened with my husband. He started taking Trazodone which calmed him down and attends daycentre three days a week but it was a long exhausting and terrifying time and he came very close to having to go in a home.

    NIKNOK New member

    Aug 27, 2018
    Thank you for taking the time to reply - we intend to discuss medication as part of this assessment. I hope your husband is settled as he can be and thank you for your advice.
  4. witts1973

    witts1973 Registered User

    Jun 20, 2018
    Bless you,I feel for you,I hope somebody can offer you better words than I can tonight,my mum is bed bound so we haven't got the issues that your family are having at the moment,I hope you get some help soon x
  5. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    I'm sorry I have no experience of this problem, but you seem desperate and I couldn't read and run. If your mum realy wants to keep your dad at home, then maybe extra care housing is an option. They do have staff on site all day and night, so as long as there is secure door entry and exit it may work, but we have had a couple of people with dementia walking out of the one my partner and I live at, causing worry to family, so medication and a care home may still be the best option. So sorry for your worry and stress, I hope the crisis team and your dad can help urgently.

    NIKNOK New member

    Aug 27, 2018
    Thank you for stopping by and your kind words x

    NIKNOK New member

    Aug 27, 2018
    Thank you for your kind words, we are in a special club aren’t we. I hope your mum is settled and at peace x
  8. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    #8 myss, Nov 2, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2018
    @NIKNOK Oh my days. I've had experience of my dad going wandering in the day, at night, sometimes not fully clothes, sometimes when its freezing, the call from the police in the middle of the night, etc and have experience of the bad moods, the worst was when he threatened me - although this was one time and the next morning said he felt that he did something unfair tome but did not know what and was genuinely full of remorse BUT I've not gone through what you've described.

    My dad also had a gps tracker but unfortunately he stopped using/taking the items that had the tracker! And in the end he could not be left for long with supervision so the tracker's a bit redundant now, but it worked very well when it was needed, so I hope you've found the same.

    I don't know what else to add other than I hope that the crisis team meeting goes well in finding solutions for your family. If you want to, it would be of interest to others in the same/similar position if you could please update this thread on the meeting's outcome. All the best to you xx
  9. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    My mum is in extra care housing (a sort of half way house between a care home and your own home which for my mum's dementia has been fantastic) but they made it clear to me that wandering and aggression are not things they can cope with, partly as it isn't fair on the other occupants.

    Whilst it sounds like your mum has been safe so far, the normal advice given on TP is that she should carry a fully charged mobile with her(ie on her person) at all times and have a 'safe' room with a lock on that she could retreat to - this might be the bathroom, or a lock might need putting on a spare bedroom. Your mum's safety has to be paramount in this situation.
  10. NIKNOK

    NIKNOK New member

    Aug 27, 2018
  11. NIKNOK

    NIKNOK New member

    Aug 27, 2018
    Thankyou for your feedback and advice, and we’ll certainly take that on board. I hope your mum is settled in her new home. Dad’s dementia has been quite rapid owing to the recent stroke and he also suffered a cardiac arrest whilst in hospital- he was unresponsive for ten minutes and that time has also exacerbated the vascular dementia. We will see what today brings. Thankyou for taking the time to reply x
  12. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    A nursing home is not the end of the world, really not. My husband is in one now after a bad accident and me having a breakdown, unable to cope on my own any longer. I know your mum will not see this yet, I know, but the level of stress and fear for you all is really too much. At another time, if you want to know what care home life can be like, read my thread on I have a partner with dementia: it is please don't throw me away ... and I update it after each visit. You will not really be able to solve this without residential care, I'm afraid. I know it's hard, I really do and I hope the meeting goes well. warmest, Kindred.
  13. NIKNOK

    NIKNOK New member

    Aug 27, 2018
    Thankyou for sharing and replying, I hope you are well and your husband is comfortable- we are at a crossroads and I think we know which way we are heading but not quite sure that we’re ready to start the journey. The dementia crisis team have arranged an assessment including a medication review tomorrow and we will take it from there. We had another challenging day yesterday and we are worn out. I will look up your threads and take comfort in your updates, many thanks x

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