Is anyone able to share suggestions about what to do and how they addressed / coped with similar situations please? I’m struggling.
> Is there anything you can do when someone refuses to engage with the medical profession, or just says they are fine and fabricates / lies about their situation, or accuses you, but desperately needs support for their own good?
> What can you do when a donor cancels an LPA but you (the attorney) know they don’t have the reasoning to do this? Especially when they get a solicitor to do it, but he is lied to. I can find no guidance.
> I think dementia is advancing and she is increasingly struggling with many parts of day to day life, whilst I’m finding it demanding to cope (and remain patient) with constant accusations and lies being spread, along with abuse. Any suggestions for support please?
A bit of background for context, hopefully brief, but I could write a book (like I'm sure many of you could):
Mother is late 80s and has always been challenging, negative, manipulative, abusive and created her own truth. No real friends / acquaintances. Has long talked to herself making things up, mixing events and people to create false events and then writes and rewrites notes of these “events”. Can never be persuaded that she has misunderstood something or is wrong. Has always been forgetful and loses things (or hides and forgets), which is now continuous – even taking up carpets/floor boards to hide things. She trusts no one, except maybe two nieces who have not visited in 30 years, are self absorbed and will not engage/assist/support me and just make things worse. Regularly says she loses days/weeks/months when she has no idea what's happened and it's just not her. Despite this I regularly visited to support my late father and he made me promise to support my mother, which I’ve tried to honour.
I don’t think she’s ever been fully well in my lifetime, and I’ve seen a decline over many years. Whenever I see/speak to her she expects to be dead the next day due to how she feels. Five/six years ago I gently suggested she see a GP in response to complaints of “illness in her head”, which made her furious. I made her GP aware of what was happening but she declined to engage – and I still get abuse over this. The GP suggested she’s the type of person who will only get investigated/supported after an accident results in a hospital stay and I must demand tests if she is ever admitted. He also rightly suggested I’d be the one carrying the can as the focus for her frustration and abuse as she deteriorates.
I had a LPA for her for about eight years, which I was surprised she’d signed but was done at the same time as for my late father (who I supported for some years and he couldn’t have been more different). About six years ago I registered her LPA (at her request) with one of her financial providers to support her, and it was fine until a year ago when she demanded I remove it as she no longer liked my name (as POA) included on her statements – at least that is what she said. Only two weeks earlier she’d asked me to register the LPA more widely as she said she was increasingly struggling with financial providers, but then disassociated this request. I removed the LPA, as the rules, although I was concerned about her decision ability. A few months later she started claiming she was getting calls to advise I was undertaking illegal activity on her account, despite me removing the LPA - I contacted the provider and they confirmed all this was fabricated. She then made up a lot more about me, announced she did not want to see me, would get support elsewhere and refused visits/calls. In hindsight I shouldn’t have accepted this, but it was a relief after a lot of abuse.
After two months she started to call and want to see me again, now furious the LPA was not registered and wanted me to register it again (and wider again), then accused me of more illegal activity plus saying she felt ill and confused. I was allowed to visit and was shocked at her confusion and mess of paperwork. I contacted the GP again but with covid booster focus at the time they just issued a drug prescription and a blood test form over the phone to me, which when I delicately tried to raise saw me ordered out of the house again for several months. I provided a long letter updating the GP on all the events and symptoms. Days later I received letters from the Office of the Public Guardian (OPG) removing the LPA and a letter from a solicitor demanding I send it and other documents I was supposed to have stolen (all fabricated) - and this was all started before she had contacted me demanding the LPA was registered. I wrote to the OPG to challenge the removal, but have had no response despite confirmation of delivery. I challenged the solicitor but he just said he’d been instructed, met her and found her fully capable of making decisions – unbelievable when she forgets why she’s gone into another room at home and is in a mess. I asked my mother and she initially claimed she knew nothing of this, then it must have been a mistake by the solicitor, then it was only temporary as she cleared my name of illegal activity, then that the solicitor was unqualified and trying to take her over and his doing, then that he had told her he had to be her LPA and executor etc. The GP then rang and apparently my mother simply said she’s fine, I was wasting his time and he was not to engage with me again. I believe he arranged for some form of care coordination visit, but when they rang to arrange she declined and they just accepted this.
After a few months break from visiting (just ~2-5 calls most days, mainly to tell me I was horrible!) she’s now demanding my support again. She said someone else was helping her in this time, but has fallen out with them as they were dishonest - and she's willing to forgive my illegal activities! She’s even more confused, in a mess and frail, but still belligerent.
Sorry this is long! It's very very much a summary. Many thanks for any suggestions.
> Is there anything you can do when someone refuses to engage with the medical profession, or just says they are fine and fabricates / lies about their situation, or accuses you, but desperately needs support for their own good?
> What can you do when a donor cancels an LPA but you (the attorney) know they don’t have the reasoning to do this? Especially when they get a solicitor to do it, but he is lied to. I can find no guidance.
> I think dementia is advancing and she is increasingly struggling with many parts of day to day life, whilst I’m finding it demanding to cope (and remain patient) with constant accusations and lies being spread, along with abuse. Any suggestions for support please?
A bit of background for context, hopefully brief, but I could write a book (like I'm sure many of you could):
Mother is late 80s and has always been challenging, negative, manipulative, abusive and created her own truth. No real friends / acquaintances. Has long talked to herself making things up, mixing events and people to create false events and then writes and rewrites notes of these “events”. Can never be persuaded that she has misunderstood something or is wrong. Has always been forgetful and loses things (or hides and forgets), which is now continuous – even taking up carpets/floor boards to hide things. She trusts no one, except maybe two nieces who have not visited in 30 years, are self absorbed and will not engage/assist/support me and just make things worse. Regularly says she loses days/weeks/months when she has no idea what's happened and it's just not her. Despite this I regularly visited to support my late father and he made me promise to support my mother, which I’ve tried to honour.
I don’t think she’s ever been fully well in my lifetime, and I’ve seen a decline over many years. Whenever I see/speak to her she expects to be dead the next day due to how she feels. Five/six years ago I gently suggested she see a GP in response to complaints of “illness in her head”, which made her furious. I made her GP aware of what was happening but she declined to engage – and I still get abuse over this. The GP suggested she’s the type of person who will only get investigated/supported after an accident results in a hospital stay and I must demand tests if she is ever admitted. He also rightly suggested I’d be the one carrying the can as the focus for her frustration and abuse as she deteriorates.
I had a LPA for her for about eight years, which I was surprised she’d signed but was done at the same time as for my late father (who I supported for some years and he couldn’t have been more different). About six years ago I registered her LPA (at her request) with one of her financial providers to support her, and it was fine until a year ago when she demanded I remove it as she no longer liked my name (as POA) included on her statements – at least that is what she said. Only two weeks earlier she’d asked me to register the LPA more widely as she said she was increasingly struggling with financial providers, but then disassociated this request. I removed the LPA, as the rules, although I was concerned about her decision ability. A few months later she started claiming she was getting calls to advise I was undertaking illegal activity on her account, despite me removing the LPA - I contacted the provider and they confirmed all this was fabricated. She then made up a lot more about me, announced she did not want to see me, would get support elsewhere and refused visits/calls. In hindsight I shouldn’t have accepted this, but it was a relief after a lot of abuse.
After two months she started to call and want to see me again, now furious the LPA was not registered and wanted me to register it again (and wider again), then accused me of more illegal activity plus saying she felt ill and confused. I was allowed to visit and was shocked at her confusion and mess of paperwork. I contacted the GP again but with covid booster focus at the time they just issued a drug prescription and a blood test form over the phone to me, which when I delicately tried to raise saw me ordered out of the house again for several months. I provided a long letter updating the GP on all the events and symptoms. Days later I received letters from the Office of the Public Guardian (OPG) removing the LPA and a letter from a solicitor demanding I send it and other documents I was supposed to have stolen (all fabricated) - and this was all started before she had contacted me demanding the LPA was registered. I wrote to the OPG to challenge the removal, but have had no response despite confirmation of delivery. I challenged the solicitor but he just said he’d been instructed, met her and found her fully capable of making decisions – unbelievable when she forgets why she’s gone into another room at home and is in a mess. I asked my mother and she initially claimed she knew nothing of this, then it must have been a mistake by the solicitor, then it was only temporary as she cleared my name of illegal activity, then that the solicitor was unqualified and trying to take her over and his doing, then that he had told her he had to be her LPA and executor etc. The GP then rang and apparently my mother simply said she’s fine, I was wasting his time and he was not to engage with me again. I believe he arranged for some form of care coordination visit, but when they rang to arrange she declined and they just accepted this.
After a few months break from visiting (just ~2-5 calls most days, mainly to tell me I was horrible!) she’s now demanding my support again. She said someone else was helping her in this time, but has fallen out with them as they were dishonest - and she's willing to forgive my illegal activities! She’s even more confused, in a mess and frail, but still belligerent.
Sorry this is long! It's very very much a summary. Many thanks for any suggestions.
