Help and Legal Advice

[SELF HELP]

My Partner and myself moved in to my mothers House over 3 years ago to care for my mother who is 92 and has mixed dementia , Alzeheimers and poor mobility.
we have tried our best to care for her and run businesses of our own,we are both in our early 60's and unable to retire.
My mother goes 4 days a week for day care which she says she hates but we know different, she refuses her medication and food most of the time and just about everything is a no !
she is very negative,Depressive,schizophrenic and manipulative
she is also being difficult with her carers who come in 4 mornings a week telling them our business and how we do not care for her.
My mother hates my partner with a vengence and the time has come where she either needs full time care in her home ( which she could not afford) or go into a care home neither of these things she will accept and she is doing her best to destroy our relationship we feel the time has come for us to move out before it cracks us both up.I am concerned that while I have power of attorney to manage her financial affairs I do not have the power to say where she will live or the type of care she has.
Previous advise from a solicitor has left us even more confused about our rights!
We asked for an mental capacity assessment but our social worker is useless he has no idea about how it is 24/7 for us or my mother and says she is fine at home even though she has been quite capable of burning herself with a kettle and locking herself out of the house when on her own.we cannot leave her alone at home.
this is not taking care of her best interests.
we just need some legal guidance and help before our relationship and sanity is gone and we are unable to help my mother further.

 

[Bod]

Contact her GP, see if they can help put you in touch with the relevant services, in your area.
Can you contact the social workers manager, and ask for a more experienced person, in the field of Elderly Mental Health.
There are plenty of grounds for her to go into care despite what she says!
Refusal to consider a Care Home place is normal, but there comes a time....when what has to be done, is done. (Plenty of us here have that shirt)

Good luck, and welcome, a very good number of us have been, or are where you are now.

Bod

 

[Scriv]

Oh yes, we have been there......

The problem is that the definition of mental capacity is just based on the way your mum behaves at the time the assessment is done and does not take into account what she has done or said beforehand or afterwards. And we all know how convincing they can be sometimes.

And as long as she is deemed to have capacity, no one can stop her from doing what she wants - otherwise they are depriving her of her rights. And the Social Workers have to support her in this. They have to be so careful not to contravene the Mental Health Act.

Your POA for H&W only kicks in when she is deemed to have lost capacity.... and if they say she hasn't, then there's nothing you can do until her behaviour warrants another assessment where she behaves differently and more like you know she is.

Catch 22 really. Bod's advice is good... keep pressing for second opinions, present all your evidence and hopefully you might at least one day get an assessment that it would be in her best interests to go into a care home.

 

[Elle3]

If you are intending to move out and leave you mother in her home on her own. Would this not be a safeguarding risk considering what you have said. In this case her situation will have changed and you should contact Social Services and ask them to do an assessment of her needs, making sure you say you are worried for her safety.

Having just carers 4 days a week in the morning is just not enough if someone does not have mental capacity to cope on their own, even if they think she currently does and if you have reached the point that you can no longer live with her, then you need to tell them this. Sometimes you have to do something drastic in order to get action. They may still say she has capacity and they can't do anything, but at least you will have brought her again to their attention, then I'm afraid to say it might just be a matter of time until something happens that causes them to re-assess.

I find it quite strange sometimes when I read posts about obstructive social workers, my experience with Social Services and in particular my dad's social worker has been excellent. I don't have POA for my dad's H&W so when I called them to say I felt dad could no longer stay living at home. They visited the next day, she asked lots of questions and we agreed between ourselves that dad was no longer safe to live alone at home and hewould have to move into a care home and she basically set the wheels in motion from there. She has been so supportive and has given me so much advice these last few months.

 

[Malalie]

I suppose the trouble is that all your Mums increasing needs are being met by you at this time, so she is probably at the bottom of the list with the social workers, as there are more urgent situations occurring every day that they need to deal with. Perhaps if you gave them a date when you are moving and insist that she needs another assessment before you leave....? (Sorry, we never even got to see a social worker, probably because we were meeting her needs, and they knew she was self funding - really could have done with a bit of advice or help though... so have no experience there)

It may be an idea to keep a journal with short bullet points about what you are doing every day for Mum, and her behaviour and difficulties to show to Doctors or Social workers.

 

[SELF HELP]

I have an appointment with help the aged very soon
My mothers Doctors practice have been of little help they have tended to pass everything to the memory clinic it took over a year to get the right medication as they had been prescribing the wrong or no drugs quite honestly if I had not stepped in my mother would have been in a home by now or dead through lack of care it took nearly a year to actually get a social worker to look at the case she was very helpful but now the new social worker really does not have the experience with being newly qualified and it took a further year to get the memory clinic to prescribe the correct medication for her and that was only because I made an official complaint about their lack of communication and incompetence.
I really do feel for the elderly who have no one to stand up for them against a so called n.h.s which is held down by incompetence and political correctness while people are being neglected and dying through lack of proper care
My mothers case is nothing compared with what some people have to cope with..
I now have an appointment at the end of the month to see the actual consultant at the memory clinic he has never seen my mother in the 4 years since she was diagnosed she has only ever seen a dementia nurse good luck to all of you coping with caring ,incompetent home care services and the beauracratic health care system
Thank you all for your valuable time and valid points.

 

[Kitten71]

Has your mum ever tried respite care? That might be the way to go temporarily. I know of relatives who have said they were sending there loved one on holiday and they'd be staying in a hotel. I guess that would be classed as a 'love lie' but at least you'd be able to see how she got on, even if it was for a few days. Best of luck with all the complicated systems we have to negotiate to get 'help'! X

 

[SELF HELP]

We have tried respite care and again it was a "no" so its very difficult to deal with someone who does not want home care,day care,respite or Residential care and still thinks she can live as she did in the 1950's
Thanks everyone for all your suggestions! after a meeting with age u.k and appointing a private social worker things are moving on a bit in changing care agency and planning for future care
we know changes are coming very soon where Residential care will be the only option.
regardless of what we want or my Mother wants.