I have been a member for a long time but havent posted very often as I read with interest all other threads. Mum who is 86 lives with me and my family and she is very lucky to have us all with her and up till now I did feel I was coping with her short term memory and several urine infections. But this weekend we had some sad news that her very sick brother had passed away, we managed to see him just 3 days ago. We were very close and I thought of him as a father.As soon as I got the news I told Mum and she was very upset and we hugged each other. Then a few hours went by and she had a sleep and came and had dinner as usual and nothing was said, during the evening I said it had been a very sad day and she didnt have a clue what I was talking about so we had the same conversation as the afternoon,then accused me of not telling her, which I am not surprized about. thing is I have had this happen several times today and feel i cant take any more as I want to grieve for my Uncle and find it impossible at the moment.Just want to ask should I KEEP telling her or try and not talk about it until the funeral is near.I do understand about her dementia but this is a real tough one and she is so sure that I dont tell her things and getting news second had. Sorry for a first long post
help and advice please
- Thread starter ethel
- Start date
The short answer is do not tell her again.
All you do is cause her to feel grief so raw again and again.
I personally would not let her go to the funeral either, and when she asked after him would just say he was on holiday, busy, visiting someone else, etc etc.
I understand the aggravation when they tell us off for not telling them earlier. I get this from my husband sometimes, but I am luckier in a way as he mixes me up with his imaginary carers, so we tend to blame the " other Jeannette".
Jeannette
All you do is cause her to feel grief so raw again and again.
I personally would not let her go to the funeral either, and when she asked after him would just say he was on holiday, busy, visiting someone else, etc etc.
I understand the aggravation when they tell us off for not telling them earlier. I get this from my husband sometimes, but I am luckier in a way as he mixes me up with his imaginary carers, so we tend to blame the " other Jeannette".
Jeannette
Hi ethel,
Sorry to hear the sad news about your uncle's passing, it must be very distressing for you and your dear mum.
I had this problem with my mum, who has AD, last year when her brother passed away.
I felt I had to tell mum even though she was not understanding things as she would normally have done before the illness. She was initially very upset as they were very close but then could not remember what I had said half an hour later.
I decided not to mention it again as it was unfair to keep upsetting her over and over again. The day of the funeral came and she didn't even understand why we were in the church
It is a hard and cruel road is AD/dementia and I learned through time that it is kinder not to tell mum upsetting things and sometimes have to tell 'little white lies' but if this keeps her content that is all I can hope for.
My thoughts are with you at this sad time and hope your mum is o.k.
Take care, Sunbell x
Sorry to hear the sad news about your uncle's passing, it must be very distressing for you and your dear mum.
I had this problem with my mum, who has AD, last year when her brother passed away.
I felt I had to tell mum even though she was not understanding things as she would normally have done before the illness. She was initially very upset as they were very close but then could not remember what I had said half an hour later.
I decided not to mention it again as it was unfair to keep upsetting her over and over again. The day of the funeral came and she didn't even understand why we were in the church
It is a hard and cruel road is AD/dementia and I learned through time that it is kinder not to tell mum upsetting things and sometimes have to tell 'little white lies' but if this keeps her content that is all I can hope for.
My thoughts are with you at this sad time and hope your mum is o.k.
Take care, Sunbell
xHi Ethel
My dad died January we did tell mom and we let her go to the funeral - BIG mistake! She didn't know why she was there and wanted to know who was in the box. It's so much kinder, as others have replied to you, not to let your mom know. It's hard for you and we all understand how emotionally draining it it trying to understand what's going on with our loved ones who have A.
Sending hugs and prayers for you and your mom.
Doreen
My dad died January we did tell mom and we let her go to the funeral - BIG mistake! She didn't know why she was there and wanted to know who was in the box. It's so much kinder, as others have replied to you, not to let your mom know. It's hard for you and we all understand how emotionally draining it it trying to understand what's going on with our loved ones who have A.
Sending hugs and prayers for you and your mom.
Doreen
Death of a family member - telling the dementia sufferer
My mother's last surviving brother died in late 2011 about 6 months before she was sectioned. My father and her surviving sister and her nieces did tell her, but she quickly forgot each time, and it did distress her, especially as my father and she were too unwell to attend the funeral. She could remember someone had died, and that it was a family member but not that it was her youngest brother. She kept worrying about his first day at school, as her memories dart around all over the place and the time chronology can be very compressed and confused. Eventually we quietly stopped telling her. I don't think there is any one answer - it depends on having a "feel" for how your loved one handles such news and whether they can cope with it. In my mother's things were made more complicated by my father's insistence for a prolonged period on treating my mother as though she was wholly rational and the fact that her surviving relatives tended to do this. As her illness has advanced, he has become very much more careful about what he tells her and when.
Wirralson
My mother's last surviving brother died in late 2011 about 6 months before she was sectioned. My father and her surviving sister and her nieces did tell her, but she quickly forgot each time, and it did distress her, especially as my father and she were too unwell to attend the funeral. She could remember someone had died, and that it was a family member but not that it was her youngest brother. She kept worrying about his first day at school, as her memories dart around all over the place and the time chronology can be very compressed and confused. Eventually we quietly stopped telling her. I don't think there is any one answer - it depends on having a "feel" for how your loved one handles such news and whether they can cope with it. In my mother's things were made more complicated by my father's insistence for a prolonged period on treating my mother as though she was wholly rational and the fact that her surviving relatives tended to do this. As her illness has advanced, he has become very much more careful about what he tells her and when.
Wirralson
Hello Ethel
I hope you find some time to grieve yourself, but as others have said, don't mention it to your mum again.
My aunt willingly and happily went to her husband's funeral, decked out in her smartest clothes (ensured by my cousin) and the first thing she said back at the pub was "Where is Arthur?". Despite being told several times, she had no idea that it was her husband's funeral that she had just been to.
It's a sad illness, we have to just run with it.
Love
Margaret
I hope you find some time to grieve yourself, but as others have said, don't mention it to your mum again.
My aunt willingly and happily went to her husband's funeral, decked out in her smartest clothes (ensured by my cousin) and the first thing she said back at the pub was "Where is Arthur?". Despite being told several times, she had no idea that it was her husband's funeral that she had just been to.
It's a sad illness, we have to just run with it.
Love
Margaret
kind words
Thank You Doreen for your kind message, just have to take one day at a time at the moment. Chris
Thank You Doreen for your kind message, just have to take one day at a time at the moment. Chris
