Help and advice please

Anjetta

New member
Jan 25, 2020
4
Hi. I'm asking for advice for my grandmother.
She is 92 and has always been very independent. Her diagnosis was roughly about three to four years ago. Shes still living alone and has no longer got her cooker and recently blew up her microwave. The first thing she does in the morning is spend hours ringing round people in her phone book, mainly me and my mum. We get 40 calls a day some days.
All the same messages.
Confused and not wanting to be alone.
I work and have small children so can't be with her much. My mother is her main carer but she suffers with fibromyalgia and depression. She finds it extremely difficult being harassed on the phone and dealing with her mother every day.
So far my nan is refusing help from social services, and because shes conning them they say she doesn't need more help until she agrees to it.
I find this frustrating.
My nan is faecaly incontinent and gets excrement on the floor, she cant make or drink a cup of tea without being reminded numerous times. she stopped washing about 10 months ago, and lies about it. She will not wash or let us help her do it.
My mother is at her wits end.
I also find it very difficult when my nana is with me as it sets my anxiety off.
I feel bad about that.
Nan has also developed a constant noise she does, like a mmmm mmm kind of noise.
Is there a way we can make social services bring in a carer for nan in the morning and even at night. I'm not sure where we need to be looking for help with her care.
Any advice gratefully received
Also, should she still be living alone ?
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,657
Merseyside
Welcome to DTP @Anjetta.
Personally, I’d contact her GP & social services & tell them exactly what you’ve told us. Remind them they have a duty of care for a vulnerable person.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,317
South coast
Yes, I agree with cat - contact social services. Explain exactly what is happening and the fact that family cannot meet her needs. Use the word that she is a "vulnerable person" who is "at risk" of "causing herself harm due to self neglect"
 
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Anjetta

New member
Jan 25, 2020
4
The problem my mother has is convincing them ( Social services) my nana must do a good cover up job while they're at her house, for all of half an hour. my mum is too afraid to say much as every time she tells social anything my nana gives her dirty looks and disagrees with my mother in front of them. The social just listen to nana and not mum.
Could my mum ask for a more experienced Social worker ?
Any more advice very gratefully recieved. Thank you
 

Brother47

Registered User
Jan 18, 2020
14
Hi Anjetta,
The problem my mother has is convincing them ( Social services) my nana must do a good cover up job while they're at her house, for all of half an hour. my mum is too afraid to say much as every time she tells social anything my nana gives her dirty looks and disagrees with my mother in front of them. The social just listen to nana and not mum.
Could my mum ask for a more experienced Social worker ?
Any more advice very gratefully recieved. Thank you
I'm not experienced at this but have been struggling with my brother and his worsening condition for the last 18 months. Personally I would be firm with Social Services and tell them exactly what you think is going on here ie that your gran is just being defensive and hiding her condition and tell them she can't look after herself. Half an hour sounds like a very short time for an assessment visit. I know most social services are stretched but they need to understand how vulnerable and at risk your gran is being alone - keep stressing those words. I'd spent a couple of months trying to persuade him to accept help which he just refused and eventually I just reported him to them in desperation. He wasn't happy when Social Services arrived at his door but the worker was brilliant and despite what he was saying she could see he was struggling. He was in complete denial. You gran sounds just like my brother. Although he isn't entitled to any free care because of his savings being just over the threshold. I have to say they have been brilliant at giving me help and advice. It all takes time though. As of three months ago he has a carer in daily who makes him some food and does his washing and cleaning (he has to pay for that). Maybe it would be better for Social services to visit your gran alone without anyone else there if she'd let them in. Maybe she feels embarrassed talking to them with your mum, her daughter there as well? Not sure this helps. I do feel for you. It's an awful situation to have to deal with.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,150
The problem my mother has is convincing them ( Social services) my nana must do a good cover up job while they're at her house, for all of half an hour. my mum is too afraid to say much as every time she tells social anything my nana gives her dirty looks and disagrees with my mother in front of them. The social just listen to nana and not mum.
Could my mum ask for a more experienced Social worker ?
Any more advice very gratefully recieved. Thank you
If your mum is too afraid to tell social services exactly how it is then nothing is going to change. Persons with dementia are often able to appear completely in control and able to manage in front of professionals. It's very common and a well known phenomenon to forum members. As others have said, you need to be firm with social services. I'm sure others will be along soon with better advice
 

Anjetta

New member
Jan 25, 2020
4
Hi Anjetta,

I'm not experienced at this but have been struggling with my brother and his worsening condition for the last 18 months. Personally I would be firm with Social Services and tell them exactly what you think is going on here ie that your gran is just being defensive and hiding her condition and tell them she can't look after herself. Half an hour sounds like a very short time for an assessment visit. I know most social services are stretched but they need to understand how vulnerable and at risk your gran is being alone - keep stressing those words. I'd spent a couple of months trying to persuade him to accept help which he just refused and eventually I just reported him to them in desperation. He wasn't happy when Social Services arrived at his door but the worker was brilliant and despite what he was saying she could see he was struggling. He was in complete denial. You gran sounds just like my brother. Although he isn't entitled to any free care because of his savings being just over the threshold. I have to say they have been brilliant at giving me help and advice. It all takes time though. As of three months ago he has a carer in daily who makes him some food and does his washing and cleaning (he has to pay for that). Maybe it would be better for Social services to visit your gran alone without anyone else there if she'd let them in. Maybe she feels embarrassed talking to them with your mum, her daughter there as well? Not sure this helps. I do feel for you. It's an awful situation to have to deal with.
Ah thank you. That's excellent advice, I appreciate that. I will be passing this on to my mother. I'm glad to hear this is helping your brother. Nice when it goes as it should.
 

Anjetta

New member
Jan 25, 2020
4
If your mum is too afraid to tell social services exactly how it is then nothing is going to change. Persons with dementia are often able to appear completely in control and able to manage in front of professionals. It's very common and a well known phenomenon to forum members. As others have said, you need to be firm with social services. I'm sure others will be along soon with better advice
Thank you, yes that's very true.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
395
Mum went into full hostess mode when social services went to assess her - luckily the social worker recognised this. Your Mum will have to contact SS again, make notes of anything that your grandmother does that could put her at risk. I found it difficult to talk to the Social Worker in front of mum as I felt as if I was letting her down, so took her into another room on the context of checking rooms for safety.
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
291
I agree with Jale write down a list of all the things your nan does or doesnt do that put her at risk. Call the GP and ask for a call back. Tell him or her (prererably her usual GP who knows her) all this and that she is now suffering from severe dementia is not fit to be alone and needs to be in care or at least help regularly through the day Has she even been diagnosed with dementia? If not the GP will have to refer her and insist this be done urgently.
 

Brother47

Registered User
Jan 18, 2020
14
Ah thank you. That's excellent advice, I appreciate that. I will be passing this on to my mother. I'm glad to hear this is helping your brother. Nice when it goes as it should.
Absolutely no problem. I hope you get somewhere with it. All these things seem to take so much time which is frustrating when you can see someone really needs help. Good luck x
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
68
North East England UK
Welcome to DTP @Anjetta.
Personally, I’d contact her GP & social services & tell them exactly what you’ve told us. Remind them they have a duty of care for a vulnerable person.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

Yes exactly.
Write a letter to the GP explain everything and ask them to do home visit. The GP should refer to social services but you can also contact them directly.
Unfortunaly with dementia comes loss of insight doubled with an intense need to control and to resist help and resist change. Its part of the condition.