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help - almost impossible to handle this

Belinda3

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
20
friend lives on his own and has regular carers/full care package, district nurses, etc.
I've been reporting his deterioration regularly to doctors, social workers etc.
Memory test done about a year ago said cognitive impairment. Since then his memory and his reasoning/logic have severely deteriorated but he refuses any more memory test, so this means no support for him and none for me who partially cares for him. Its very stressful.
Whats really hard now, is every single time we speak/see each other, he constantly tells me he has no money and is broke, can't afford the phone bill/heating/food etc. He receives statements regularly and in that respect has been fully aware that he is more than ok financially, but he gets so angry, aggressive, obsessed, and says I don't know what I'm talking about I should shut it because he has no money, is broke, can't afford to eat, etc etc.
Have tried going through his statements with him to show him that in fact as time goes on he is in fact better off financially, I remind him what he actually has got and state that he is worrying too much that if for one second I felt he was broke I'd tell him straight away.
I can't play the game of pretending just to go along with him as he has got ample funds.
But he rings and rings me day in day out and gets angry that he's got no money.
In the past I've posted. Its got to a point now where I strongly do believe he has some type of Alzheimer/dementia, and I have heard about "delusions of poverty".
its just I can't handle his anger/aggression along with his repetitive fixation/obsession about not having any money when he has pots.
I need support because he is driving me to the edge emotionally. I can't get through to him. I feel close to the edge with this frustrating thing, but also feel sorry for him too, the poor man, this isn't him, whatever it is has taken more of a hold.

help...
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,986
West Hertfordshire
Give up, you wont get through to him!

Tell what we call love lies, agree with him, its time to be frugal, we need to watch the pennies....we must pay the bills though If nothing else it might calm him.

You still make sure hsi heating etc is on

Do you/does anyone have POA.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,636
Kent
Someone must have arranged the care for your friend Belinha so someone must have control of his finances. Is there any way you could have a quiet word with one of the carers and ask them to report the situation to their manger.
 

cobden28

Registered User
Jan 31, 2012
442
Someone must have arranged the care for your friend Belinha so someone must have control of his finances. Is there any way you could have a quiet word with one of the carers and ask them to report the situation to their manger.
Just a thought, but with regard to the bills - are these being paid by direct debit so that he doesn't need to worry about that side of things?

Maybe he misses the feeling of literally having money in his pocket instead of in the bank?
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,025
Scotland
This is his obsession and you can't change it until he replaces it with another. I regularly update my husband about our financial affairs as I always have done but it is pointless because it doesn't stop him insisting he must go back to work as how else can we pay the bills. He is 84 next month.

He likes the reassurance at the time then instantly forgets. Maddening but it is what it is. I try to be relaxed about it but now and again I blow a fuse when I find him counting pennies or rabbiting on about the need to go out for work.
 

oilovlam

Registered User
Aug 2, 2015
386
South East
Belinda, you are a very good friend. A lot of people would have distanced themselves long ago....I wouldn't blame them based on your experience. You seem to have taken on a lot more then a friend would be expected to handle. Normally a family member would try to tackle such behaviour. There is no magic solution I suspect.

As someone suggested, paying by direct debit would prevent bills from coming through. I expect they worry him (he is probably someone who is proud that he has never been in debt and pays promptly). Such people are in danger of being scammed....because one letter asking for money looks like any other.

I suspect that the social worker needs to get involved and possibly 'old peoples mental health'. For advice on who to approach first you could ask 'citizens advice' or contact 'Alzheimers society' (the 'system' is a complicated mess...with multiple organisations and you need to find out who has ultimate responsibility....I suspect the social worker, who can arrange multi-disciplinary meetings if required). But it sounds like you need to hand over the responsibility for your friend to a professional....which would allow you to be more 'hands off' and to concentrate on being the true friend that you are.
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,761
South coast of England
Belinda, I wish everyone could have a friend like you! I suspect that your friend is no longer able to thank you for your help but am sure that he would if he were still able to.

It is clear that your reassurances are provoking anger and you clearly cannot agree with your friend's fears about money (you can hardly say 'That's right love, you are as poor as a church mouse, better switch off the heating and eat only dry crusts'!) so I wonder if there is a third way?

For instance - the winter fuel allowance is currently being paid, so could you tell your friend that, now he is over x age, 'the government' pay for his heating etc? Would he accept something like that, do you think? I'm afraid you would still have to repeat it ad nauseum, that is part of dementia, but it might help reduce his anger!

Meanwhile, if you can contact his SW please do so. Remind her/him that your friend is a 'vulnerable adult' to whom they have a 'duty of care' - those are the buzzwords to which they must respond. If someone else can take over more of the caring duties, you might be able to go back to being a friend again.
 

Belinda3

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
20
wow, thanks for all the replies, amazing! thank you all.

first, thanks yes he did recently get £300 fuel allowance, he told me when it arrived, but that hasn't stopped him, he still carries on, Apparently I don't understand... ...well I don't!!! Its nonsense, irrational, and ridiculous to carry on telling me he hasn't enough money to put the heating on.

All bills are on direct debits, have been for a few years, and always checked by me so he never gets ripped off by companies. He knows this, but he still carries on.

Have been onto the care agency and social workers out of hours today, they told me they're going to get a doctor to go round. What a relief. I hope they'll intervene with regards to his state of mind and behaviour, I've made it very, very clear to them all on the phone how he is, I just hope they do the right thing as he certainly is vulnerable and they certainly do have a duty of care.

no poa at this time, not able to take that one on. If he carries on at me repeatedly, I might have to suggest social workers do poa and let them get on with it.

for now, theres only so much I can handle, I will still be there for him, but more limited for the sake of my health too.

thanks all you angels out there.
 

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