Registered User
Oct 8, 2006
East Midlands
I am looking for any advice really. My Grandma has being suffering with dementia of some sort for a few years however it has never been diagnosed. My Grandad who she lives with is now becoming very tired and loosing weight with the worry and stress involved in caring for my Gran. I have approached my Grandma's GP about 6 months ago who seemed to think like me it was some sort of dementia but my Grandad was unable to bring himself to go to the GP with my Grandma as she is unaware she has any problem and he is afraid that they will take her away into a care home so the GP could progress no further as it had to be my Grandads choice. My brother and Step-mum have basically said is best to leave things as they are..... but my Grandad is struggling and loosing weight. Anyhow yesterday afternoon my Grandad called me in a right state saying he'd had enough and he wanted to 'top himself':( My Grandma had been accusing him again of stealing money, swearing etc etc
I said to him we need to get this sorted now. I made an appointment with a GP at their health centre and both myself and my husband went up their with my Grandad within 2 hours. My Grandad poured his heart out to the GP and he insisted my Grandma was brought to the surgery to see their own GP next week for a review, he felt just on what we had said my Grandma was suffering from mild/moderate dementia. I felt like we had finally made some progress. Now we have the difficult problem of the GP visit next week as my Grandma is unaware of anything being wrong with her and does not like anyone interfering however i think the GP will be able to explain it better than us as she does trust him. My Grandad has managed to convince her thats its a routine check-up so, so far so good. I have not mentioned aything to my brother or step-mum just yet as i feel they will be annoyed with me. The last thing i want is my Grandma being put in a home and them both being split up but i feel that things are now progressing where my Grandad is struggling to cope. Why do i feel so cruel but deep down i know i have done the right thing?:confused:
Any help or advice greatly appreciated:)


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Xena, welcome to TP.

Why do i feel so cruel but deep down i know i have done the right thing?
You certainly haven't been cruel, and you know you've done the right thing. Your grandad couldn't possibly have carried on without help, it sounds as if he is at the end of his tether.

You've done so well to get your grandad to see the doctor, and to arrange for your grandma to go. I'm sure you don't have to worry about your grandma going into a home just yet, though it will probably happen eventually.

What should happen is that the doctor will refer your gran to a consultant for a proper assessment, and should also refer them to Social Services. If he doesn't mention that, be sure to ask for it. That's the way to access lots of help for your grandad, such as daycare, people to sit with your grandma to give him a break, support groups, etc.

Please don't worry, you've been a lovely, caring granddaughter, and have done your best for both of them.



Registered User
Feb 26, 2006
Hi Xena, welcome

Of course you feel you are being cruel, it comes with caring. You will find that your Grandad and Grandma will be involved as a couple in consultations etc. as dementia involves them both. It will not be easy for any of you but at least you have taken that first difficult step. At sometime you will all need help from outside agencies so welcome any help and advice offered and accept that there is so much to learn.

You have all started out on a bumpy journey, your grandparents are lucky to have such a caring grandaughter.

Keep in touch



Registered User
Sep 22, 2007

you have done the right thing, i know it feels terrible but your grandad couldnt have managed like that and you have helped him a lot- hes very lucky to have you
good luck with the gp and keep us updated
lots of luv
lauren xxx


Registered User
Sep 22, 2006
hi exen

welcome to talking point just wanted to say what acareing grandaughter you are take care and i hope all goes well. There are people on here who will try to answer any worries you have


Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Xena, this is how it all goes with Alzheimers. Do your best, you can do no more.

Get the right diagnosis and take it from there. There are lots of options regarding care and assistance, get the one that is right for you.

Much love



Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
Hi Xena

It really is a case of that old proveerb "You have to be cruel to be kind" and that is why you can feel the way you do, but in reality you have not been cruel at all. You have helped and done the best thing possible for your grandparents to help them both access the care they need.

There are so many different styles of care plans that it may be some time, if ever, that your grandparents need to be split up and once you get that diagnosis you can get the best help for them.



Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Xena,

You are the one who`s done the right thing and your brother and step mother are the one`s burying their heads in the sand.

Don`t be frightened to tell them. Your grandfather asked you for help, and that`s what you gave him.

So there`s no need to feel guilty.

Love xx


Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
Newport, Gwent
Dear Xena

You have done the right thing in listening to your Granddad and getting him help.

You have to look on the positive side of this, now that your Granddad is going to get some help, and once your Gran has had the assessment the doctors may decide that medication is appropriate. Therefore with helf for granddad, and possible medication for Gran you may well have assisted in keep Gran home longer.

I would try and make some notes before you go to the appointment with the GP on how Gran has been, and what help you think your Grandparents now need. It is then up to the GP to make the appropriate referrals. Ensure you are fully aware of what referrals he/she is making, so that you can chase them up, what you dont want is your Grandparents on some long waiting list, ensure he marks all referrals urgent.

Let us know how things are going.




Registered User
Oct 8, 2006
East Midlands
Thankyou for all your kind replies:) I will keep you posted. We are all off out for Sunday lunch today so i will have another chat with my Grandad too:)

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