1. martdee

    martdee Registered User

    Apr 2, 2008
    I came across this forum this morning while looking for help support groups in my local area.
    My mother is 77 years old and has been suffering from vascular dementia since 2002.She was able to maintain her own home with support from myself and other family members until January 2006 but following a stroke she now requires care 24/7.
    On her discharge from hospital she moved in with another family member but this proved to be difficult as the family member concerned had not given full consideration to what the care issues and the life changing outcome would be for them and their family.Since September she has been living with me full time.
    She attends Day Care 3 days a week from 10am to 3.30pm...not long enough to fit in with my full time job so I am constantly trying to juggle hours and other family members to cover and allow me to remain at work.
    As a lone parent with mortgage and all the other bills to pay I need to keep my job. I have arranged a private sitter for three mornings a week but am finding it impossible to get anyone for the afternoons so the care is falling to my 14year old daughter.That wasnt a major problem until recently when Mum progressed to violent outbursts and constantly trying to go out so that its no longer a safe option.

    I have read a lot of the posts on here (with tears streaming down my cheeks I may add) and can empathize with so many...not washing...verbal outbursts...nasty remarks...inappropiate behaviour...not eating.....the list just goes on and on..
    Thank you for this site and the links to your fact sheets its good to know I am not alone.
  2. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Hello Marie,

    Welcome to TP!

    You seem to have a lot going on there! It must be so difficult for you..

    I can't give you any advice..have never been in your situation..I look after my husband at home..who is quite easy to care for at the moment.

    Just didn't want you to think that no-one had noticed you were here..:)

    Am hoping someone will come along and maybe move your thread into the main forum where you will have a better response..

    Don't go away..TP has been ..and remains..a lifeline for me..am sure it will become the same for you..

    Love gigi xx
  3. martdee

    martdee Registered User

    Apr 2, 2008
    Thank You

    Thanks for the welcome GiGi
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hello Marie, warm welcome to TP.

    Have moved your thread into the main support forum (thanks for the prompt Gigi).

    I am sure you get some helpful advice soon.
  5. martdee

    martdee Registered User

    Apr 2, 2008
    Thank You

    Thanks Connie
    Im still reading older posts...all new to me but the stories themselves I could have written.
    Is such an awful illness, to see the person you love disappear before your eyes leaving the physical shell behind.
  6. BettyL

    BettyL Registered User

    Jan 20, 2008
    Hello Martdee and welcome.

    I haven't been a member of this site for very long but the support has been fantastic.

    I don't want to interfere with your situation but it sounds as if you really need the help of the professionals. You can't struggle on like this - believe me, I've been there and although we all hate admitting defeat, the time always comes when we have to have help. Can you talk to mums GP or does she have a Social Worker or CPN - I'm not sure how the system works in Ireland I'm afraid? Do you think it might be time for her to go into a care home perhaps? Big step I know - but it might be the best thing for both you, your daughter and your mum.

    You've done so well - but please don't be afraid to ask for help.

    Good luck
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Marie,

    I think Betty has given you some really good advice. It`s a terrible decision to make, to think of permanent residential care, but yours and your daughter`s lives are affected to such an extent, caring for your mother, now might be the time.

    You are obviously juggling your life around your mother and so is your daughter. If you were to find residential care for her, you would be able to visit in peace, and perhaps have more enjoyable times with her.

    Who knows, she might even enjoy a change of scene and a change in company.

    I apologize if I have said anything to offend you. Whatever you decide, I hope you will find Talking Point [TP] a good source of support.

    Take care xx
  8. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    Hi Marie, warm welcome to TP.

    I had to take the decision to place my Dad in permanent residential care because I wasn't coping. It took much soul searching, a lot of heartache, huge amounts of questioning myself and my motives, many tears and lots of sneaky visits from those damn guilt monsters. But I wish I'd done it ages ago.

    Sylvia's right, you'll be able to visit in peace and have quality time for your Mum, she may settle down really well and enjoy the interaction with the residents and the care workers. My Dad shocked me by how well he took to being in care, it took away all his stress of day to day life and of having to cope with me.

    Sadly Dad is ill again and I haven't yet had the chance to do all the things I want to do with him since he went into care - take him for fish & chips, for a run in the car to the countryside, out for a pub lunch, to mine for a BBQ, all the things I didn't have time to do when I was looking after him. But maybe I'll be able to soon.

    I hope this helps.

    AJay xxx
  9. burfordthecat

    burfordthecat Registered User

    Jan 9, 2008
    Hi Marie

    Welcome to TP. This is an amazing site. I am sure that many people will come along and give you advice on anything you need to know about. I am not yet in your situation, I am caring my dad who is currently still just about managing to live on his own with loads of support from me. I can really understand how difficult it is trying to juggle all things which need your time. I have a young family 2 & 7 years old, together with an hours drive to visit dad. Sometimes it feels as though it is impossible to do it all:(.

    I would agree with the advice which you have already been given. It does sound as though you now need to have more help then you are currently getting.

    Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

    Take care

    Burf x x
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Marie, welcome to TP.

    The others have given you some excellent advice. I'm sure you must already have thought in terms of care homes, and perhaps shied away from the idea. I think the time has come to give it some serious thought.

    Perhaps you could spend some time looking at some homes close to you, to get some ide of what's available. Honestly, it's not as bad as you fear. My husband has been in care since October, and though I hated the idea, it's really the best place for him. I simply couldn't have coped the way he is now.

    You mustn't risk your job, it's so important to you. And although many children do care for relatives, it's a terrible responsibility to give your daughter. She deserves a life too.

    Please think about it, and come back and let us know.

    Good luck,
  11. martdee

    martdee Registered User

    Apr 2, 2008
    #11 martdee, Apr 4, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2008
    Thanks to everyone who has replied to this thread.
    Betty I live in Northern Ireland so in theory we have all the same benefits and help that you have in mainland UK.
    I have been in contact with both her GP and her social worker and called a meeting with the family members involved in Mums care but there are no easy answers.
    I have been working with the social worker towards respite care and had mum in a local unit for assessment for one afternoon in February followed by two nights over a weekend Mum loved respite came home bright and fresh from her adventure talking about "that lovely hotel".She really enjoyed the company of everyone else and met a lady in the unit who lived in the area where she had been brought up.They had so much to share and talk about the experience did them both good. Following such a positive experience I took a big step and I have prebooked respite for July for two weeks to allow me to go on holiday with my daughter.
    This is where my main problem with the family has arisen.The family member who had the initial care for Mum (and who has had no further involvement in the care plan and very limited contact with Mum by her own choice ) rang the SW on Tuesday saying she was shocked to here Mum had been in respite and she was not happy that Mum would be "put into a home" in future.She also told the SW that she would be prepared to have Mum for a short period "with adequate notice". I was so angry,this member has had little or no contact with Mum and no part in her ongoing care plan. This morning I blew with the SW and told her that after all this time I was shocked that she was taking on board the utterings of someone who she has dealt with in the past and who she is fully aware has "washed her hands" of the carers role.I told the SW that respite stands not only for my sake but for Mums as well,I have enough problems with the ongoing care without the SW listening to a hornets nest stirring.I will not be made guilty for seeking respite.
    I dont want to consider long term care at the moment.I have made the family aware that this isnt currently an option but it is only with their help and imput that this can be avoided , if they cant or wont help then the long term care will have to be reconsidered.
    Meanwhile the gp has prescribed a sedative for mum, one at 5pm and one at 9pm. Tonight the aggression has gone and she is more content,she ate her food,joined in a conversation and she actually watched Holby Blue with me and enjoyed it!The difference is amazing I know its not long term but tonight was one of those enjoyable nights.
    Thanks for listening
  12. BettyL

    BettyL Registered User

    Jan 20, 2008
    How lovely Martdee to have a peaceful and enjoyable evening with your mum - I know how precious these times can be.

    I can understand your anger and frustration with the family member and the SW. You really don't need it. I hope the situation is resolved soon.

    Fingers crossed for many more angst free days with your mum. The respite care seems a brilliant idea.

    Best Wishes

    PS - Sorry about my ignorance about Derry being in Northern Ireland!!:eek:

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