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Hello, yes, I'm the daughter

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
what can I say @imthedaughter except well done - what a mammoth day
I'm glad your dad is settling .... and yes, his welfare is key and you have made sure he's well taken care of, all else you can and will get through dealing with over time
I agree, teaching gave me some of the skills and outlook I needed to support my dad - I hope you enjoy your new career
Thanks! I've been teaching for almost two years now and it has a been a balm to my soul to get off the phone with the endless calls with various people, tears and drama, and simply teach children to swim. Even at the worst times, with dad and my last job, the kids have given my brain a break and made me laugh.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
I found one set of correspondence from perhaps 18 months ago in the paper mountain. Although I didn't have time to fully digest it, it seemed to be from someone who was trying to find his sister. He had written to tell them she had moved to Australia. She died in 2012. It left me wondering whether this has been going on longer than I thought.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,656
South coast
It left me wondering whether this has been going on longer than I thought.
It probably had.
After mum moved into her care home I cleared her home and found all sorts of paperwork that showed up problems that had been there for years that mum had successfully covered up.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,620
Chester
I too found paperwork going back a long time which indicated issues. She had kept carbon copies of all the handwritten letters she had sent with various complaints to the local post office and police about things.

Well done on your clear out as well - a long read which I did in stints.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
It probably had.
After mum moved into her care home I cleared her home and found all sorts of paperwork that showed up problems that had been there for years that mum had successfully covered up.
Dad has been in his own little routine as well where he hoards things, didn't keep track of the days and with no one to notice or correct him (even though my brother lived with him until last summer) he could just muddle along. I'm sure we are having a similar experience. Taking him out of the routine threw everything into sharp relief.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
I too found paperwork going back a long time which indicated issues. She had kept carbon copies of all the handwritten letters she had sent with various complaints to the local post office and police about things.

Well done on your clear out as well - a long read which I did in stints.
Very kind of you to read it, I think this is becoming a bit of a rant thread and I do not demand anyone ploughs through it all! It's so disturbing to find that stuff isn't it but I suppose that as long as they are managing day to day it doesn't get picked up.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
Spoke to dad yesterday - it seems the money has come in. Of course he hasn't paid any of his debts but until the LPA is registered there's only so much I can do. That has finally been sent off for registration.

When I spoke to Dad he seemed to think he was basically in a hotel where there were loads of mad people, like Fawlty Towers or something. "They're all crackers!" he said. I agreed there were quite a number of characters there but omitted that he was one of them.

He has forgotten I moved him in, which is fine but means he's confused about how he landed there, and he thinks it will be temporary as he will buy a flat somewhere, as he doesn't think he can afford a house. Knowing how much organisation it takes to purchase a home I implied it's a lot of work and may not be worthwhile. Of course it may be temporary, but the issue will be how long he can afford to stay where he is and how we get that sorted... but I guess that's something a little later.

He is rather tired of being poked and prodded for tests and we aren't even at memory clinic stage yet. I can't go down until half term but hopefully by then I will be of more use with the finances.

I don't feel that at the moment he will be able to live independently at all. The carers at the home are so kind and they managed to stop him stalking his ex-mother in law (my nan) by turning up at her church on Sunday simply by redirecting him and feeding him tea and biscuits. He remembers that she has been unwell and remains fond of her, but I was able to tell him that she's doing really well so I hope that allays his thoughts somewhat. But he won't turn up for appointments or go to the bank without help at present.

He's been up to shenanigans as well - refusing to pay a taxi fare for example saying that the car worker should pay, seeing as she was the one who suggested a taxi? Fortunately the home thought it was hilarious but I imagine it was a very trying situation for the poor girl!
 

Piper2019

Registered User
Feb 26, 2019
14
I forgot that when I came back from fetching something from the car I caught dad leaning far out of the window... apparently he was thinking about throwing his potatoes from his lunch, which he'd decided he didn't want, into the garden below. Managed to avoid that one but I hope he hasn't been doing that regularly - it's a constant distraction battle sometimes. I think my new career of teaching has taught me to be a lot more patient and less distressed over these things as I don't expect the kids to make any sense and just enjoy the off-the-wall moments!
Wow I just read your posts about your dad's move to the care home and I just want to tell you that you are amazing! You have done a wonderful job with your dad! I know these are trying times and our emotions are tested every second but you did great!

I just wanted you to know that you are pretty damn awesome. I hope things continue to go well for your dad at the CH. He is very lucky to have you as a loving daughter and advocate.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
Wow I just read your posts about your dad's move to the care home and I just want to tell you that you are amazing! You have done a wonderful job with your dad! I know these are trying times and our emotions are tested every second but you did great!

I just wanted you to know that you are pretty damn awesome. I hope things continue to go well for your dad at the CH. He is very lucky to have you as a loving daughter and advocate.
This is very kind of you, thank you for your lovely words. I was always afraid of one of my parents getting dementia and now it seems that nightmare has come to pass, but I've coped better than I thought. When it's clear what needs doing it's easier - when there's nothing to do or it's not clear that's when it's an issue for me. I felt like superwoman after those three days but I was also desperate to go home. I know this is not the worst Dad will be - I'm sure there will come a time when he doesn't recognise me and so on but we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
Dad had a fall today while he was out on his own. He tripped over an uneven paving slab and landed on his face. Passers by called an ambulance and a kind lady went to the CH to tell them about it. He was in a+e for some time but was home in time for tea, with stitches under his eye and very tired. Although this is not great it would have been a real crisis had he not been in the CH. At least now they can check on him and make sure he keeps the area clean. Hopefully he doesn't have concussion or something.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
Update on Dad's fall - he's not let it get to him and after having a hug from one of the carers when he got back from A&E he had his tea, had a long sleep and has been up and about as usual, playing his piano and taking the bus to podiatry so I am hopeful it hasn't dented his confidence.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
gosh @imthedaughter
I'm glad your dad has recovered so well and I'm sure the carers will be keeping an eye on him, which hopefully eases your mind
It really does. Just had a chat with them and he seems to be doing pretty well. Even playing from sheet music which is interesting as he's been playing from memory until now - he can still play his old pieces but clearly he's decided to expand his repertoire.

Only a couple of things in that they are struggling to do his laundry: he will insist on wearing the same clothes for days on end. However I'm not sure how often he's washed his clothes in the past decade (or three decades actually) so this could be quite a departure from old habit for him. He does have plenty of clean clothes so he has a while before he is completely out. I also asked them if they could try to chuck out the ripped cords he turned up in but they haven't had much luck yet. But he doesn't smell and he seems to be washing daily so they aren't too worried yet.

I hope that when my brother wants to visit with his kids that Dad can be persuaded to put something fresh on as I'm sure the kids have found his appearance in recent years a little disturbing.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
When I spoke to dad yesterday he said to me that he really likes it there, he can watch the sport on his TV and play his piano, and there's always people around who will make him a cup of tea, but there's nothing wrong with him really so he's concerned the NHS will throw him out. He wanted to know what the 'rules' are. I said he's paying for his place so as long as he can do that it's fine. As his money has come in he's not worrying about money at the moment. At least he feels well in himself, but he must be settled in to be feeling well and not saying he's confused - he would be confused in the outside world I think but in the CH they make everything run almost behind the scenes. Positive stuff I think, although he struggled to remember all his kids' names at once. However, life is not a memory test and I'm mindful not to make him struggle for the words in case he gets distressed about it.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,794
Yorkshire
that all sounds positive @imthedaughter which is godd for your dad and for you - I remember how relieved I was when I realised the staff in dad's home really did care about him and all their residents, put my mind at ease
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
that all sounds positive @imthedaughter which is godd for your dad and for you - I remember how relieved I was when I realised the staff in dad's home really did care about him and all their residents, put my mind at ease
It has made such a difference. I can't imagine how it would have been with him having a fall while in independent living. The worry would have been terrible.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
Latest update is that Dad went to have his stitches removed only for the nurse to discover they were already gone. He had shaved over the cut and caught them on the razor. I understand it was accidental and dad is long sighted so I suspect he's shaving more by feel than sight. The staff have had a word with him about risk of infection and to ask them to help him with anything the gets stuck with (like how to shave around his injury) but he's very reluctant to accept any personal care at this point. They aren't concerned about his day to day personal hygiene and want to help him maintain his independence for as long as possible.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
I went down to visit family, including Dad, and it was the first time I've gone down not dealing with some kind of emergency in months. My brother took him out with his kids for lunch and he found it quite taxing, saying he felt unwell and dizzy, but I think he's so settled into the routine of the CH that he missed a snack time and his blood sugar dropped, or just the excitement and exertion was a bit much. Once he'd had some food he was fine but I did mention it to the CH.

I went to see him the day after just for a visit and a chat with the manager.

Unclear as to whether he removed his stitches on purpose or not, the CH manager thinks he did it on purpose but what can we do - it's healing well anyway so not really an issue long term. even the very long term wound on his foot is healing up.

Laundry remains an issue as does getting those ripped trousers out of circulation, but they are working on it. He's mostly complaining about the food so I think he's settled in! He doesn't trust most meat alternatives and prefers vegetable based foods so they are trying to find an agreeable, balanced and varied menu!
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
199
Have to rush out to teach in a minute but the old place has sent a solicitor's letter to dad (and emailed me it, which is helpful). They want to take him to court to claim his unpaid fees.

Last time I saw dad I told him it would be a good idea to pay and even found his cheque book for him. However as we know these things get forgotten.

I am waiting for LPA still so can't actually do anything. Should I call the solicitor and explain he's vulnerable and that they will have to wait until I get LPA?

I don't really feel comfortable asking the home to supervise him and get him to pay it.
 

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