hello introducing me and my family

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by jacqueline100, Oct 11, 2007.

  1. jacqueline100

    jacqueline100 Registered User

    Jun 16, 2007
    12
    Hello all,

    I have been sitting on the sidelines for a couple of weeks now. I have found the stories sad comforting and familiar so I thought I would take the plunge and join in. My dad is currently in an psychiatric assessment unit. He has some form of dementia they think it is vascular but we are awaiting spec scan results. Dad has been behaving oddly memory loss and going back in time for roughly two years, but two weeks ago he was taking absolute rubbish repeatedly and almost howling, he ended up being admitted to the local mental hospital. The ward he is on is actually much nicer than many 'normal wards' I have seen and his care is superb. The problem is my mum is so upset by this, and all their friends have stopped calling. I live 300 miles away and run and own a business. I am selling up to return home to help my mum but in the interim I can only get home every two weeks for a day and a half as if I do not work i don't get paid. My sister is at home and is a big help to mum and dad but she has a young family and also needs to work.

    Sorry if this sounds all doom but I wondered how other people cope, at the minute I wake up feeling guilty as if I am failing my parents, and the bits in between I worry about what is happening. Dad has good and bad days but currently he thinks that we have left him and that we do not love him. My head tells me that this is his illness but my heart aches for him, are there thing that we can do to make him feel safer and more comfortable?

    Any advice welcome, thanks in advance

    Jacquie:confused:
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Jacquie,
    Just wanted to welcome you to TP.

    It is so difficult when parents become ill, because we do feel that we ought to drop everything and go to their aid, but that is not possible - it is always a compromise. You sound to be doing what you can - you are not failing mum and dad.

    Love Helen
     
  3. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Welcome Jacquie

    Sounds to me your are doing the best that you can for your father , as lest now his in safe hands in hospital getting a psychiatric assessment, till the result come thorough .
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Jacquie, welcome to TP. I'm glad you decided to take the plunge, we don't bit, honestly!

    I'm afraid you're suffering at the hands of the guilt monster, something we're all very familiar with. AD is such a horrible disease, and there is little any of us can do to ease it so we all feel inadequate.

    But you are doing all that you can, so try not to feel guilty. It you can't manage that, then just come here and offload, we all know the feeling.

    Your dad is in the best place at the moment, but your mum is bound to be upset. It's sad that her friends have stopped calling, perhaps you could have a word with one or two of them when you visit? She really does need all the support she can get.

    It's very brave of you to give up your business to help your parents, I do hope things improve for you.

    Keep in touch,

    Love,
     
  5. jacqueline100

    jacqueline100 Registered User

    Jun 16, 2007
    12
    Thank You,

    I think I just needed to off load, as I say the head is often over ruled by the heart. I actually feel loads better. I am taking advice and I am going to call some of mum and dads friends and explain what is happening. I have known them since I was a little girl and I think they are just scared at seeing dad and do not know what to say. Thanks for the kind words. I am going to sleep on this and deal with the calls tomorrow. Now I am an 'active' member I hope I can help others.

    Thanks again
    Jacquie :)
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Jacquie
    that's a really good idea. people become frightened because they don't know what to say, or how to deal with the situation. Just advise them it is business as usual, and just to ignore any possible difficult behaviour and especially not to try and correct any weird things that might come out in conversation.

    most especially tell them how Mum will be desperately scared and now of all times needs the support of good friends.

    you're great!
     
  7. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello Jacquie,
    Welcome to TP. This disease is so hard on everyone involved, it turns our lives upside down.
    I hope that your mum's friends will soon be in touch with her, this is a time when her friends are more important than ever, after all that is what friendship is all about caring and support.
    I am sure that your mum will appreciate you moving back and a very big sacrifice on your part.
    I hope that everything goes OK and that happier times are ahead. Take Care Taffy.
     
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,112
    Toronto, Canada
    Jacquie,
    Are you sure you want to sell up your business and move closer to your parents? Right now it seems the right thing to do but I think you should consider it very carefully and also very slowly. Please don't make any hasty moves - it's so much easier to think with the heart instead of the head. I don't mean to be negative, I just don't want you to make too many sacrifices.

    Take care,
     
  9. Michele

    Michele Registered User

    Oct 6, 2007
    1,224
    Hi Jacquie,

    First of all welcome to TP. I only joined a about a week ago, and it is so comforting to know that there are people who care.

    You are doing everything you can. Please don't feel guilty. You sound like a wonderful daughter.

    Take care

    Love Michele x
     
  10. jacqueline100

    jacqueline100 Registered User

    Jun 16, 2007
    12
    better news today

    Thank you all for your welcome,

    i have called some of mum and dads friends today and they were all really nice they just felt embarrassed and did not know what to say to mum, they are all under pain off death not to tell my mum that I have interfered!!

    I have thought long and hard about moving along with my hubby and it just feels the right thing to do, without sounding corny, my parents have been the best and now its time to give some back. So with a bit of luck our place will sell and we will find something else that is suitable.

    Thanks again for the welcome,

    Hope everyone is having a reasonable day

    Jacquie
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Well done Jacquie, you really are going all out to help your parents.

    When friends back off in times of family difficulty, it`s either through embarrassment, as with the friends of your parents, or because they don`t want to intrude, during an upsetting and traumatic episode.

    You did well to contact them and let them know they were still wanted.

    Please let us know how the house sale goes, another traumatic event. Perhaps for you, it will all go smoothly. I hope so.

    Love xx
     
  12. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Jacquie

    Like you I lived far away when my Mum was first diagnosed. It is so difficult but you have to do what you can live with and what you believe is the right thing to do. You have done marvellously for your Mother speaking to her friends.

    People find dementia frightening if they are not used to dealing with it. Your Mum may also have been slightly embarassed as well if your Dad was acting out of character while friends were there so it is good for you to chat to their friends and explain.

    Hope that the house sale goes well. I did that traumatic event last year but I am now closer which is great.

    Love

    Mameeskye
     

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