1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Hello - I'm new here

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Lizt, Jan 8, 2007.

  1. Lizt

    Lizt Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    4
    Bournemouth
    I am caring for my father-in-law (75) who lives with myself, husband and daughter. He has been with us for nearly 2 years and I am finding the strain increasing daily. He is very aggressive (particularly to his son, my husband) even punching and kicking on occasion. He is unable to distinguish between day and night and rarely sleeps for more than a couple of hours at a time. He is not at all content and I wonder when is enough enough - would he better in a home? Any advice from you folks would be so much appreciated.
    Thankyou
    Lizt
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Lizt and welcome to TP!

    I'm moving your post into the main forum where you should get more replies.
     
  3. KenC

    KenC Registered User

    Mar 24, 2006
    913
    Co Durham
    Hello

    Hi Lizt,
    Welcome to Talking Point, where we are all one big family who share their problems.

    Best Wishes

    kenc
     
  4. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Hi Litz,

    It sounds like you are definitely having a hard time with it all. What country are you based in? Has your father inlaw been diagnosed with a specific type of dementia. Has anyone given you advice on dealing with violence? Do you have any help off the social services or is there anyway that you can get some help/advice or respite? Also your doctor will be able to help and advice and perhaps offer some medication that will help your father get more rest or be less agressive. Sorry for so many questions, but there are so many possibilities.

    Difficult question to answer, but many of us have been torn apart making this decission. All I can do is speak of my experience when dad eventually went into a care home. He was at a stage where he need professional help 24/7 and the kind of help we could no longer offer at home. If you get the right care home, you will find that the carers can take very good care of you father in law and manage his day to day needs. They do this every day and have the staff have the big advantage of getting breaks away from caring.

    Again, there are so many possibilities that you can discuss with professionals and your family. There is no point in getting to a stage where you can no longer cope and making yourself ill.

    Please feel free to ask loads of questions, many people here have had to deal with these difficult decisions.

    Kind Regards
    Craig
     
  5. Lizt

    Lizt Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    4
    Bournemouth
    Thanks

    I have no idea where my post went and only found it by mistake! I think I am lost (virtually!)
    Lizt
     
  6. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Hi Litz,

    I've noticed your location. Bournemouth.
    Do you have a GP and someone at the social services who can give you advice.
    Your are lucky to be in Bournemouth, there are so many care homes in the area. There are also a few day care centres specifically for dementia. I'd definitely sit and chat with your GP as soon as possible.

    Kind Regards
    Craig
     
  7. Lizt

    Lizt Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    4
    Bournemouth
    Thanks CraigC

    We do have social services help. F-i-l goes toa day centre and we have had two respite weeks - the last one was very difficult and I don't know if he will go again. He has the sort of paranoia that makes him think evryone is stealing his things - he hid his personal things so well that it took four weeks for the care home to find them all! We live in Bournemouth, Southern England. F-i-L was diagnosed with AD about 18 months ago. They do keep upping the dose of meds he takes but it only seems to work briefly - then he's back to his usual self. As far as the violence goes we know to get out of the way - even leave the house if necessary so we are not likely to get hurt again! I think the most soul destroying thing is that he just will not take any notice of help and advice - all of which is for his benefit- like its one oclock am why not go back to bed or it's freezing don't you think you should have a sweater on? etc Over the last few weeks he's been packing up his things because he thinks he is going back to live with his mother (long dead obviously) it is a nightmare!
    Thanks
    Lizt
     
  8. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Hi Lizt,

    have your read the following factsheet.

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/Caring...entia/Unusual_behaviour/advice_aggressive.htm

    I don't know about your personal circumstance, but I can only advise that it may be time to at least take a look at a few homes. The earlier you look the better and it will give you an idea of the kind of care your father in law may be able to get. It sounds like you may need to look for an EMI unit that is secure, but the social services contact will be better to help you with that assessment.

    How are you coping personally and how is your health?

    Kind Regards
    Craig
     
  9. Lizt

    Lizt Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    4
    Bournemouth
    CraigC

    I have read the helpsheet thankyou. Sometimes I get so overwhelmedit is hard to carry on. I went to get F-i-l's flu jab recently and was offered the jab also - I declined but was told I was being selfish as if I got ill I may not be able to care for him properly. This may be very tue but it made me feel like an old nurse cow or something - I was insulted and hurt. I feel he has taken over my life and my home and I am so tired.
    THnkyou
    Lizt
     
  10. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Well do come back here and talk to us.

    We all feel bad sometimes and whatever you do never seem enough. It start's to eat away at you. I've had loads of support off this forum and knowing that other's need to make the same decisions helps. Take care of yourself and please get some help before you damage your own health ..... I know it is a big decission but one of the biggest hurdles is realising that other people can do a good job of caring for someone, particularly with family support. I see dad in the home now and of course it upsets me leaving him there, but everytime I take a good look around and realise he is cared for and even loved at the home. They have also taught me so much about the illness and how to deal and communicate with dad. Keep talking....Kind Regards...Craig
     
  11. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi Lizt

    Sorry to read of your difficulties with F-i-Law.

    Do you have an official diagnosis of Alz/Dementia, and is he taking any medication for it?
    Have you informed his doctor or consultant of the increasing tendency towards violence?
    Perhaps a review of meds. is in order to address the progression of the disease.

    Even if he won't go willingly to see the doctor (not at all uncommon!) you could keep him informed by letter.

    Sympathies & best wishes
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    For me I know when I am feeling like that its time for respite

    When was your last respite ? In my area we get 12 weeks in a year .

    As you could ask for emergency respite , you’ve got to tell SW how your feeling and while in respite you could all come to some conclusion with your family and SW how you want your FIL future care to be
     
  13. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Lizt,
    Welcome to TP! I hope you find posting here supportive and helpful. I have found it is a godsend! Have you looked at the posts as an observer before joining? If so, you will note that the 'care versus home' issue is a big question for many of us. As others have said, each of us must resolve the question for ourselves and our families, because only you know your own situation.

    I do believe that it is important to get the facts, look at care homes, etc. as soon as possible because then you can make choices based on information. If you wait until the situation is forced on you (which could happen suddenly due to the violence) you may feel unprepared and not know how to proceed.

    I sense from your post that you are feeling very worn out. I endorse Maria's suggestion about respite - hope you can organise some in a hurry.

    The dreaded "guilt monster" (well known at TP!) makes us feel we should keep going "no matter what", but this is not usually the best thing for ourselves, our families - or (dare I say!) the person with dementia. (;) I did like your comment about the cow!!) After caring for your F-I-L for the better part of 2 years, it may be time now to look at the next phase. This seems especially so to me in light of the fact the medications are not successful in containing his violence.

    But only you and you family can make the decision. Hopefully you can find support and caring on TP to see you through whatever decision/s you make. Thinking of you - Nell.
     
  14. susiewoo

    susiewoo Registered User

    Oct 28, 2006
    82
    Bromley Kent
    the problem is the complete weariness and then having to start investigating options......perhaps some more respite to charge your batteries would help. I found alot of support from the day centre my Mumm attended and although there was no solutions it really helped to talk thru with someone who understood without having to go into minute detail.
     
  15. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Lizt

    Welcome to TP.

    I totally understand the 'stealing' and 'aggression', and the lack of concept of time you are going through. We went through the same with my mum. I tried all the diversion tactics known to man, especially in the area of alleged theft, nothing worked.

    Mum eventually moved into a NH in September, and although the guilt monsters still sit firmly on my shoulder because I could not cope any more, mum is being very well looked after, the NH do far more than I ever could.

    I coped better once, with the help of TP friends, I came to understand there is no logic, and even if there was, with the memory loss with AD, it's soon forgotten.

    Sadly only you and your family can decide when enough is enough for FIL and you all.

    What ever you decide, TP friends are all here to support you.

    Best wishes.
    Cate
     
  16. bagrat

    bagrat Registered User

    Nov 22, 2006
    13
    I don't know in what circumstances your f-in-law first moved in, but whatever happens now you have to hang on to the fact that he has had two years living with his family that is an opportunity many many folk never get. I have the grearest admiration for you. Whatever decisions are made in the future there are no right or wrong ones. You can only do what you feel is right at a particular time. We are all here to support you. In spite of the difficulties you describe with respite I guess you need that space to be able to come to a decision about the future when you are not too exhausted to think straight.
     
  17. capybara

    capybara Registered User

    Jan 10, 2007
    32
    I had Similar problems with my Father

    Hi Litz:)

    I only joined 2 days ago as i have set up a petition at 10 Downing street website about the decision by NICE to withdraw drugs for early and late stage Alzheimers sufferers:eek: http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/alzheimerdrugs/ would appreciate support if you can .

    My father served in the army all his life coming through the ranks and retiring as A Major M.B.E.

    My wife and I moved to North Lincolnshire about 4 years ago and all was well with him and my mother, although we were moving away from Kent where they live.
    On his first visit to us I had to meet him 20 miles away as he was lost. This was our first indication that all was not right.

    Since then his mental state declined rapidly and each time I visited he was worse.
    He too got aggressive and was prescribed Quietapine for his agitation, this helped and maybe a visit to the doctor with your Father in Law would be useful.
    My mother who is 82 had to go into hospital leaving no one to look after my Father.

    I travelled down to Kent and bought him back here to stay with us. He was fine on the first night but on the second night he was wetting himself and terribly confused. This continued and I was getting no sleep at all. The family consulted and we decided to put him into respite care locally, while Mum was in hospital.

    This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it broke my heart to take him to that nursing home.
    I visited him every day and although he was not completely happy he was a lot more settled and getting the care he needed 24/7.

    We decided to contact Social Services in Kent and explain the situation especially as we were concerned about him going home with my Mum being elderly and being diagnosed with a heart problem.
    Social services agreed to do an assesment on him when he returned. This resulted in him going into full time care, so it might be an idea to get your Father in Law assesed but I know what a difficult decision this is and don't know what your husband feels.

    My father did get state funding of about £300 a month but still has to pay £960.00 out of his Army Pension for his care costs absolutely disgusting!
    He has never been prescribed anything else for his Alzheimers which is terrible and why I set up my petition.
    I hope my story has helped and feel free to reply if you have any more questions.
    Good Luck
    Regards Mark:rolleyes:
     

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