Hello Charleyfarley
Thanks for posting. I'm new to talking point and have spent some time looking at people's posts and coming to terms with what the whole experience means to me. At the moment it's like coming from that place we both talk about (having lost our buddy) and finding myself in a room with loads of people, all of whom have something to say. It's really hard in some way and really helpful at the same time. It's like everyone talking at the same time and not quite knowing where to begin meaningful contact. Everytime I think like this, I wonder if Alan feels the same. Sometimes I wish I didn't compare and just let myself be - it's like I'm working all the time. It's like when people visit, even if it's only one or two, Alan must feel like the room is full of talk but he doesn't know where to begin and how to make meaningful contributions. Meaningful, meaning that one is touched in some way.
It seems your relationship has taken another turn in the road which must be really scary because unless one has experience, we are never quite sure where the road leads and it certainly seems like one of those roads you would want to get off. Like me yesterday ending up on the M1 by mistake. Fortunately, I managed to get off after about 4 minutes. Alan hasn't got angry yet. My daughter says she feels he is more gentle and soft. I think he is too. I don't know how I'll cope if he gets to the angry bit because it will tap into some scary stuff for me and if I struggle then who'll be there for us. Sometimes I feel like it is like balancing plates. I have become a lot more controlling because I'm so scared of anything being out of place and things falling apart. Your husband being angry is something you can't control and to me that's scary. On the positive side, I think we are tremendously strong, even though we don't feel it, and we do carry on down these uncomfortable roads.
I do hope I haven't gone on too much. Another thing I've noticed about myself - I keep apologising for having a voice. How odd!!!
Love Helen