Hello, I'm new and really a bit sad

[one united]

Hi, I've just joined to try and get some support.
My nan had a heart attack last Oct and got very confused in hospital. Prior to that she was very forgetful, but in hospital it was total disorientation etc.
Whilst she was in hosp. I managed to clean her home and found out just how disorganised and filthy it was
It became apparent that this fiercley independant lady had coverd up quite a bit even to us, her close family.
Since being at home she remebers where she lives and is more orientated, however, she is dreadfully forgetful, which has been dangerous at times.
We got her meds put in to a nomad as ther is no way she could remember what to take and we doubt she'd taken her meds correctly before October either Carers go in to give her the meds, but she has twice taken them herself and thus overdosed on them
My mum is now an appointee, so gets her pension paid in to an account for her. My mum and I shop, cook, clean, take her to appointments etc, but at times she forgets and demands that she get her pension or be taken to get food as she 'has none', despite mum and I knowing she does.
This is why I am sad. Last week I called in to get her lunch as either mum or I do. She was waiting to go shopping. Since her heart attack she has been shopping twice. The week before she nearly collapsed and I struggled to get her back to the car, so decided it wasn't a good idea to try that again! However, nan was adament she was able to do this. She said the reason for being unwell the week before was that she had been out before we went shopping / caught the bus and met me there / i took her to the wrong supermarket. The 1st two reasons are not true. I did however take her to a different supermarket.However, this did not cause her to nearly collapse, her heart did!
She threatened to get on the bus if I did not take her. At the same time she could not think what she wanted from the shops. The truth being she didn't need a thing!
I did take her as I was scared she'd try and catch a bus and all the way round (her prefered ) supermarket I kept saying no you have that, you don't need that etc, to the point where she got so cross with me and put 3 things in the trolley just so she had bought something.
At this point she was ready to collapse.
This became my fault for rushing her. She couldn't find what she wanted because it was my fault too
The final straw when I was getting her home was that she said she'd never ask me to do anything again and that I do nothing for her anyway
I took her home and had to leave to get home for my children. I cried all the way home
I hate that we argued over shopping, I'm scared she'll try and do something stupid, I'm annoyed she thinks I do nothing for her and so sad that she blamed me.
I know I'm not alone. My husband (his father has been dx with Alzheimers) could only reassure me that it's not her, it's her illness, although she doesn't have a dx yet. She refused to accept that she has a problem when the Dr visited, but now has an appt to the memory clinic on 12th.
I'm just glad to have got that out and so sorry it was such a long ramble

 

[Lynne]

Hello and welcome to TP (Talking Point)

Please don't worry about long, rambling posts; many of us start off that way, and many of us continue that way too! It's such a relief to be able to express our fears, frustrations & pain in a place where they will be met with understanding.

Don't beat yourself up about not being able to make everything better for your Nan; you are trying and you care - that's more than lots of others can do. Until you've had close personal experience of dementia, it is impossible to get your head round how things change so suddenly.

You've already found that unfamiliar places can be difficult for your Nan, and I expect next time you will take her to the one she is used to visiting. Also 'softly softly' is the name of the game when trying to give helpful advice. Her hostile reaction was because she was embarrassed & maybe frightened because the trip hadn't turned out well - please don't take it too personally, she will probably have forgotten all about it next time you see her. Your husband is right, it IS the illness but I know that doesn't make it less hurtful at the time.

Best wishes

 

[suzanne]

welcome to tp

Hello, welcome to TP this site will offer you a lot of help onsite and reassurance, we are and have been all in the same boat at one stage or another, the shopping expedition is a very familiar routine, in fact still doing this every week.Once you have got as far as the memory clinic they will tell all the help that is available to you and ways of coping because no two peoples AZ is alike but there are familiar trends to the illness,like now...off to find the handbag for the 6th time today Best of luck and keep posting.Suzy

 

[Royalslady]

Hi and welcome to TP.

It is wonderful all the things you do for your Nan - and can be heart-breaking when she doesn't seem to realise, I know. I can only reassure you of what you already know ... it is the illness.

I too was shocked when I realised how much Mum was hiding from me. It often does take an event, such as your Nan's heart attack, to give more insight into the problems.

I wish you lots of luck. Not easy when you have a young family also - but somehow we do it!

Take care
P

 

[one united]

Thank you.
I was, until 3yrs ago, a nurse working with (and loving) older people with MH problems including Alzheimers.
It's true that nothing compares you for the reality of trying to care for someone close
Up until last week nothing had upset me. I don't mind the phones calls about imaginary letters etc or even when she forgot my children's names or has forgotten we visited. It was me being selfish I suppose in that she said we do nothing and in face said my uncle did everything for her - he visits once a week

The truth is I've stayed away since Thursday. Mum has been going, but Mum is away for 3 weeks on Thurs. I'm dreading it.

 

[Vonny]

You're not being selfish at all. You wouldn;t be human if you didn't feel bit miffed after doing so much and then being told your uncle does the most when he only visits once a week. Even knowing it's the illness rather than anything personal doesn't make it ny nicer for you.

I'm the baby of the family (only 49!) and although very much loved, was always the "bad" one, simply by virtue of the fact that my big sis was the "good" one Yeah, right! Yet now, whenever mum is coherent, she strokes my face and says "you're a good girl", just becuse I visit every day. I can't do a thing wrong these days, largely because she doesn't worry so much about me due to her illness, but it's strange the way the tables have turned. Also very unfair on my sis who comes down for 5 days every 2 or 3 weeks and stays with them and does all the shopping and cooking to give dad a break.

Anyway, just relating that to show how this disease warps perception. Although I like to think I am a good girl occasionally

Best of luck while your mum's away on holiday, and we're all here for you if you need to let of steam any time

Vonny xx

 

[one united]

Thanks Vonny.
I'm really not good at all Mum always said that if I'd murdered a saint, nan would say the saint had done something wrong
So I guess I've gone the other way to you, although she usually says she dooesn't know what she'd do without me!
I know Thursday was a bad day, but it still hurt.
I will no doubt be back over the next 3 weeks to bash my head as it were!

 

[Norrms]

Welcome

Hiya, and welcome to TP. i have only been a meneber for a couple of weeks and found some wonderful friends on here who give great advice, best wishes, Norrms and family

 

[julieann15]

Don't take it to heart?

Hello One United
Welcome to TP- please don't get upset as your Nan says that you do nothing- Had just the same with MIL- what would I know about what she needs in the line of care I am hardly ever there- Ermmm No Mum- Ian and I call every weekend to take you out for a meal, I do your pill boxes, cook a roast every Saturday so you have one plated up on a Sunday and take you to all your appointments(50 mile round trip involved there)

Don't take it to heart- it is the nature of the beast

Love Julie xx

 

[member11543]

Another sad one

Hi there, this is my first post, and only joined a couple of weeks ago.So sorry to hear about your nan. My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago with the dreaded A.Like you, I get the blame for everything.Can't do anything right and he often gets verbally aggressive. I find this very upsetting, and often walk out of the house, just for some peace and quiet

 

[one united]

Lizzie, I take my hat of to you and others in your position.
I have the luxury of stepping back, which a lot of people do not.
I was so upset on Thursday and cried so much - I never cry!
The thing is that mum spoke to my nan and she was fine!
How people cope when they can't run away like I did or have someone else to step in I don't know

 

[Scottie45]

Hi OneUnited

Hello and welcome to TP,sorry to hear you have been having a bit of a bad time of it recently.Ramble here as long as you like.I hope you find TP useful take care Marian x

 

[Sam Iam]

Hi One United & Lizzie

welcome to you both.
It is so hard to accept the changes on our loved ones, my Mum is lovely but before AZ she was.....angry...doubtful..a bit ungrateful....and sometimes unloving.

Since the start of the confusion a couple of years ago Mum has been the opposite, although she can return momentarily to some of her old trates.
Mum was put on an antidepressant though and this could be what has helped.
Like your uncle getting all of the praise, my brother would appear and disappear in and out of her life (we saw him when he needed something!) and he is Mum's knight in shining armour and cant put a foot wrong.
My take on this is that he is SUCH hard work that he is put on a pedistal, while I and my brother are there come hell or high water and she knows she can rely on us, So she acts how she feels with us as she knows we will come back for more. Hope this helps. xxx

 

[one united]

Sam Iam

Thanks. My nan was lovely, gentle and never a bad word, but recently became the nan off Catherine Tate (if you're familiar). I must admit this was funny.
Her neighbour wanted the number of my nan's friend in order to tell her that nan was home from hospital as the friend would like to visit her. The neighbour said should she use nan's phone to call, which nan agreed to. As the neighbour left she announced 'She just used my phone! Cheeky b!tch!'
Nan would never normally say such a thing. I told her she'd said it was OK and just just 'Oh, did I', but then kept repeating the original story!
You really do have to laugh!

Mum took nan for a hosp appt (eyes) yesterday and on the way stopped to get petrol from the supermarket. Nan asked mum if this was where she brought her the other day. Mum explained it was the other supermarket and it was Jane (me) not her that took her. Nan had forgotten. Mum went on to remind nan how she'd spoken to me and told her how upset i was. In turn nan then cried saying she'd never want to do that and upset me
It just shows what I suspected that she forgot the hurt, which I'm glad about. I wish mum hadn't rehashed it, but she did it with the best intentions.
At least we know these outbursts are not meant, so every cloud and all that

 

[Cl13]

Hi one united, Sorry you've had an upseting time with your nan, I would love to be able to say it will get better, but as we all know , it wont, but you will have good days, I did the distance caring for my mum for over 2yrs 150 mile round trip 3 times a week it wasn't easy, mum has been living with us since Nov, we've just had an awfull weekend, rowing, crying, the works, all because mum recieved a letter from social services outlining her one day a week day care plan, all hell let loose, she was convinced I had gone behind her back to get her in " an old folks home ", nothing I said made any difference, she didn't speak to me for 2 days, slept all day after her bath yesterday, only awake to eat, this morning she was back to her old self and has gone off to her day care centre happy and smiling like she usually does, the weekend forgoten.
Can I say one thing about your supermarket trips, although I now do everything for mum, she still enjoys shopping, I put her in the shops wheelchair with the special trolley that fits on the front, I ask mum to get the things she can reach, she picks all the fruit and veg, and everything we need thats on her level, I ask HER to put in the trolley, I know it helps her, she does'nt feel useless, and is also still making a few desisions, not a lot I have to say, but enough to allow her to feel in charge, and lets face it, if mums happy we're all happy lol. Good luck and by4now Lynn

 

[one united]

Lynn, Firstly, sorry you've had a bad weekend. It's so hard when you can't forget what happened, but they have and are totally oblivious.
I agree with you about the shopping. She has only just expressed a wish to go with me again since her heart attack. I used to take her each week before that, but she was able to get around the shop.
Sadly at her favourite shop (Asda) the car park is a public one serving the town centre and so parking is difficult. Disabled places are usually taken and she needs a wide space to allow the door to be fully opened so she can get out, so a 'normal' space makes it difficult. Tesco, where I go has it's own car park and lots of spaces, but of course it isn't familiar to her.
It's a small thing I know, but still a nuisance.
I'll take each week as it comes. She's been to Tesco a few times, so may be she can get used to it and thus make her shopping trips more successful in future.
I totally agree that it does her good, all things being well, to get out and do her own shopping rather than sit at home and go nowhere
The other minor point is that prior to her heart attack and we didn't need to give so much input, I'd take her shopping and she'd buy what she wanted. We now know she didn't buy what she needed really. Her freezer and cupbords were full of the same and sometimes out of date stuff and there wasn't really a proper meal to be had.
Trial and error, eh?

 

[suze]

Hello one united
Welcome to this wonderful source of comfort. Dementia is very cruel because it takes away the sufferer's personality and I have learnt that thos closest to them are the ones who 'get the most stick'...my poor Dad was the one who Mum chose not to recognise and to give a hard time to during one stage of her illness. She kept telling him to get out as it wasn't his home! I had to keep telling him that it wasn't Mum who was saying these things but the illness.
Take one day at a time....and try and give yourself plenty of outside things to do...concentrate on your own family too. You don#'t need to be a saint - just to do what you can. This may be more or less, depending on how you feel each day.
You will come through
Love
Suze

 

[one united]

Thanks Suze,
At first mum was away and I visited every day twice a day so she got her tablets as they weren't in a nomad so carers could only 'prompt'.
Mum and I have now started to split duties, which has helped.
I totally agree that it's those closest who sometimes take the brunt.

 

[Sam Iam]

Hey One United, you seem a bit more relaxed and I am glad you are more settled. I loved the "Nana Taylor" story about you Nan bless her
Remember we are here for you, so do not suffer in silence. xx