1. cherrysidaway

    cherrysidaway Registered User

    Feb 4, 2009
    #1 cherrysidaway, Feb 6, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2009
    hi im cherry i am a daughter who needs help with accaeptance with my dads dementia and just feel stressed all the time why
  2. patradnor

    patradnor Registered User

    Dec 27, 2008
    Hello Cherry
    You are finding it hard to accept and are stressed which is only natural.You will get a lot of advice from the lovely people on talking point and a lot of support.
    Love and Hugs Pat x
  3. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Hello Cherry,

    Welcome to Talking Point. So sorry to read about your Dad.

    Have you contacted your local Alzheimer's Branch?

    You will get brilliant advice and support from them.

    Unfortunately, being worried and stress goes with the illness.

    Best wishes
  4. clarethebear

    clarethebear Registered User

    Oct 16, 2007
    manchester, uk
    Hi Cherry

    Welcome to TP, as the others have said this is the best place to be with people who know how you feel.

    Sorry to hear about your Dad I know it's hard, my story was differnt, but the outline is the same.

    The person you once loved has changed and it hurts, but please know that on here you will find the people to talk to to help you through the feeling you are going through and are going to go through.

    I wish you all the best.

  5. Bookworm

    Bookworm Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    Co. Derry
    I was touched to see your post Cherry - my son is a young man who is still technically a child & I think he could really benefit from somewhere like this - but then it would be too raw for him sometimes. Is there somewhere like this for younger people to "go" i.e. 14 - 16 - 18 year olds??
  6. prangster

    prangster Registered User

    Dec 20, 2008
    hi cherry

    I have been through what you are experiencing about three years ago now,when my wife who was only 56 then,was finally confirmed as having this awful disease.
    I was just told out of the blue and left to get on with it,the shock of this resulted in me having a mild nervous breakdown.
    It is still very hard to deal with it,and a battle to keep going and not let yourself get depressed,and feeling isolated.
    I have learnt to live with it in a way,even though it breaks my heart ,seeing my wife only able to do very little now.
    It is also on your mind every day,but you can sort of learn to control it,so it does not take over your whole thinking process.
    Do not be left on your own like I was to deal with this.
    Go to your local GP,who may be able to offer some counselling.
    In hindsight this is the first thing I maybe should have done.
    You mustalso contact your local Alzhemiers office,they will help you out with lots of advice
    On a practical note,go to the CAB for advice on benefits and finance.
    Go to a solictor to obtain Lasting Power Of Attorney etc if needed.
    I am new to T/Point as well,so I just hope my telling you about my experience will help you ,if only in a small way.
    I used to think I was the only one suffering until I found this site,and unfortunately thier are lots of us going through this.
    I know how hard it is for you,so try to keep going.
    Cheers for now.
  7. bucko

    bucko Registered User

    Jan 28, 2009
    Hello I'm worried

    Hi Cherry. Reading your note brought a lump to my throat. I thought of my own daughter and how she must feel about her Dad;s illness - a Dad who she adores. You see, her Dad was diagnosed four years ago and he is now 62, still very young to have this dreadful disease, but what makes it worse is he has Parkinsons Disease too. What is worse, she lives away from home, but she has a second job on a Sunday working in a nursing home. Perhaps this is how she copes so well. She calls her Dad twice a day, lunchtime and evening. He adores her. I think of how she must feel on the days when he is so tired and confused and say try very little to her, or when he passes the phone to me to continue the conversation. I always try to make light of the situation, but she can always tell when I am struggling. When this happens, on occasions I have received a bunch of flowers from her with a lovely note "to cheer you up Mum, love you loads". I try to reciprocate this and call her just to remind her her how much we love her. How lucky we are to have such a wonderful daughter. When she is able to come home for the weekend, the week before she tells her Dad how many sleeps it will be before she sees him and he will constantly ask me this question. He gets confused often and worries about her driving so I have learnt not to tell him on the day she will be arriving as he will be pacing up and down, driving me nuts with his constant aggitation and questions and urging me to call her.
    Do talk of your worries Cherry, please don't bottle them up. There are so many people and support groups to help you, especially this forum. Together we can help each other.
    Just keep giving your Dad a hug and a kiss and tell him you love him. I know my John loves this and a smile and a hug from anyone makes the day and situation seem a little brighter.
    Keep your chin up ... thinking of you.
  8. cherrysidaway

    cherrysidaway Registered User

    Feb 4, 2009
    #8 cherrysidaway, Feb 8, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2009
    hello im worried

    I just want to thank eveyone for their replies they were heart warming, im 33 and have to grow up alot over the last seven years with my dad having this illness im no more forward now then when i was when he was first diagnosed i have seen my dad change so much and tears me up.
    This last year has been the worst as he was put into a care home last year as we just could not cope he needed twenty four hour care and it was making my mum very ill she never asked for any help and we managed and coped ourselves i would care for him at the weekend and one day he just snapped and hit out me lots of other things happened he would go missing for hours hide knives, this is some to name a few, then we knew we needed help.
    Now my dad has every need met and his dementia has now progressed wherehe does not know any one is he no longer speaks it is so awful.
    Im now looking for acceptance as to say that is longer my dad if you understand what i mean love my dad and will never give up but i need to accept that he will never get better and try and find that inner peace do i sound silly i dont know.
    Thanks to all of you cherry x
  9. Amber 5

    Amber 5 Registered User

    Jan 20, 2009
    Hi Cherry,
    No you do not sound silly at all. You have been going through this for a long time now and the really hard thing is to accept that things do not get better. I think at first, we all do as much as we can to jolly things along, depending on the situation, and then as things progress, you learn more and realise that it is actually a downward spiral, albeit generally a slow one.

    This makes it very painful for the family around them. It is agonising and makes you feel sick to the pit of your stomach, and worried constantly. You try to be patient and that is not easy either, especially as things progress. Your Dad is so lucky to have a loving daughter and wife who care so much. At least he is in a safe place where you and your mum can see him as often as you can.

    I hope you take some time out for yourself without feeling guilty - that is very important for your sanity. And your mum too. I know it is a terribly difficult illness to cope with and accept, seeing your loved one deteriorate but I'm sure it will help you to read the posts on here and people will come along and suggest things to help. It also helps to feel supported and not so alone.

    Let us know how you are getting on.
    Best Wishes, Gill
  10. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear Cherry,

    No you don't sound silly, it is what most of us experience and it is so hard and herrendous to deal with.

    Sending you love and best wishes
  11. cherrysidaway

    cherrysidaway Registered User

    Feb 4, 2009
    hello im worried

    thanks Gill and Chritine it makes me feel that im not going mad and that some how and some way im normal it just sounds wierd as im typing this i really hope that i find a way to cope x
  12. SunshineGirl

    SunshineGirl Registered User

    Jan 31, 2009
    Dear Cherry
    Your post really touched a nerve with me. I have not written on TP before but have been reading posts for a number of months now. I am 31 and my Mum (65) was diagnosed 4 months ago. Since being put on medication there has been a marked improvement in her and I fear I am being lulled into a false sense of security that she might get better... When i read your message my eyes welled up, I know I have a long way to go in accepting my Mum's illness and I also worry daily that the worst is still to come. It is comforting knowing that there are others in a similar situation and it is not just me struggling to cope with this. Do you have any siblings? Cherry, you sound like you have amazing strength and are so supportive to your Dad and Mum - I really admire you and hope that I can keep my strength, for my parents, whilst getting my head around this disease. Best wishes SG.
  13. cherrysidaway

    cherrysidaway Registered User

    Feb 4, 2009
    hello im worried

    hello sunshine girl
    Bless you i know exactly how you are feeling like you i felt that my dad would get better but you just have to accept that they will never get better its hard belive im still trying to get my head around this now. Yes i have three brothers but i have taken on the brunt of this with my mum we have had alot of up and down moments thata all part a and parcel. I dont feel like i have got the strength but we take day at a time thanks for your kind words im thinking of you if you need any advice please ask away
  14. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    Hello Cherry

    It sounds very much like you are grief stricken Cherry and what you mention above seems very much like a part of bereavement. It is very difficult emotionally because your dad is still alive and yet you are in bereavement for him:(

    Have you had any success in finding someone who can help you deal with this? There are professionals out there skilled in being able to help people work through it and, if you haven't already, perhaps you could start to seek out this help. The Princess Royal Trust and/or the Carers Federation might be good places to start.

    Wishing you all the best.

  15. cherrysidaway

    cherrysidaway Registered User

    Feb 4, 2009
    hello im worried

    Thanks helen
    i recently visited my GP he wasnt any help at all he saidthere is a 3 month waiting list to see a counsellor.
    He offered me pills but i dont want to be dependent on them so im finding my own help by puting my feelings and thoughts on here see if that helps.
    I must say its nice to hear from paople who know how you feel im just at very low eb at the mo trying tokeep my head above water i want to live my life not exsist
  16. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    Hi Cherry

    I'm glad that you are finding Talking Point supportive Cherry. You were concerned enough to talk to your GP about counselling and there is often a wait. Also the counselling service that they have to offer might not deal specifically with the kind of experiences you are having. Think about asking the Princess Royal Trust for a counsellor as this will be able to offer a lot more than TP can.

    Wishing you all the best.
  17. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    Cherry, it seems to be common in some families, that the womenfolk take on the brunt of things.(Guys reading this forgive me; I'm not tarring everyone with the same brush, just speaking from experience.)

    Your brothers need to know how your dad's condition is affecting you and your mum.

    The worries and guilt don't fade away when the loved one goes into care. Do your brothers visit your dad? They are his children as much as you are and there is no reason why you should be 'taking the brunt' of things. Can you get them to visit more frequently so that you are not thinking about your dad all the time?

    If you are feeling any guilt, then do try to fight it. Why would it be your responsibility to care for your father more than your brothers? Do your brothers know how worried you are?

    Wishing you all the best, Deborah
  18. cherrysidaway

    cherrysidaway Registered User

    Feb 4, 2009
    hello im worried

    thanks for your reply deborah
    My three brothers are alot more older than myself and they just dont deal with it that well my oldest brother goes up once in a blue moon and my two brothers have never visited my father.
    So you see they are not very much help i have tried talking to my eldest brother as im am closest to him but he will not discuss it do talk to my mum but i just clam up then get very upset,so then i just give up i also have my husband who i do talk to but when i talk just dont have the words at times.
    i think its me who has a real problem opening up and worried what i might say may sound silly.
    i get so frustrated with myself before my dad fell ill i could talk the hind legs off a donkey but this dementia is like a black hole to me scary and im not the one who has it.
    im sorry i spelt your name wrong
  19. stacey

    stacey Registered User

    Aug 12, 2011
    north east lincs
    to cherry

    helloo cherry dont worry you will feel worried angry and tearful i found out my mum has alzhmiers and i feel the same it normal

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