Dear Laylabud
I've just gone through similar, though my mum is not quite as severe as yours. It came on so rapidly I didn't get chance to absorb it all. One minute she was living a normal life alone, the next she was on a Mental Ward and was told she could never go home again. Not only did it upset her, it upset me almost more.
Fortunately (or not), my mum has her own home to sell, so she will be "self-funded", but as more than one person has said on this thread, that doesn't mean my mum gets a better home than somebody with no money. It might mean we get a wider choice, but actually, in a town in Derbyshire, which one of the highest number of care homes per head of population in the country, we only had a choice of four. The State kicks in, and a lot of homes will accept people funded entirely by the State (in my area that is up to £352 a week), but also people who are self funded (my mum pays an extra £100 a week because of this). I bet we could have negotiated a lower figure, but we haven't tried it, but we will when the first increase appears. As it happens, the only room available when we viewed the various homes, was a lovely large sunny room, so I was okay with paying the extra money, but if it was your mother, she might have to have a smaller, less attractive room. Of course you can personalise the room with photos etc. That said, my mum doesn't seem to be remotely interested in the room (or the photos!). To her it is just a bedroom, she just sleeps in it. I bet she'd have been just as happy (or unhappy) in any other room. She doesn't use it in the day, she goes to the lounge. Which I'm glad about.
Her room has a toilet and washbasin, but she uses the communal toilets most of the time. So don't worry about that unless your mum has a problem with the toilet.
You should still have some choice about homes for your mother. Your Social Worker should be able to tell you which ones they fully fund, and please don't think that means they are the pits, care homes now are regulated to a high degree, they all have to comply with certain minimum standards, and basically you have to choose the one you can afford that you like. They are not hotels, none of them are perfect, they are not "home", and your mum might settle better or not than most. Give it two months before you start worrying. It takes one month at least for your mum to accept that she has to be there, and for the staff to get to know her and her likes and dislikes and for her to get to know them and what the routine is, and a second month where she finds she knows all the residents and all the staff and likes it.
No, it is not ideal. You have to make sure your mum is safe and secure, comfortable, well looked after, and if she is still alert that she has some mental stimulation. Some homes have a visiting activities co-ordinator, some do trips out (just a run into the countryside maybe, or a visit to the Tesco Coffee Shop). And if you think you can take your mum out yourself, discuss that with the care staff. Perhaps she can come to your home for a meal. I haven't tried that with my mum yet, am scared it will trigger a bad response, but it's a possibility. Maybe a cup of tea first.
My advice is consult your social worker. She won't recommend homes, but listen to what she says such as "I have placed quite a few people there", or "I haven't had any contact with that home for a while". But she will tell you what is affordable and what is not.
Now, you say your mum doesn't have her own home, but does she have any savings? Or indeed do you have any savings that you might consider using for your mum's care? I have no idea, and I don't think you should have to do so, but I am just mentioning it. Again, your social worker should advise on how you can help your mum if you want her to go into a home that charges more than they are prepared to pay. But we contacted Help the Aged, and a chap came round and took two hours to talk to us, and we have just received his plan of what we might be able to do for mum. I am quite impressed. I am not saying we will go with his recommendations (in fact he hasn't made any, he has just presented four alternatives to us, and as I said, mum has her house to sell, so it might not be appropriate for you). But I was surprised to find that there are some schemes that could help us more than I thought they would. Even with fairly small amounts of capital, something can be done to help. These are all schemes to help pay for extra costs where the State will not pay the full amount.
I didn't absorb how old your mum is, but the older she is, and the more infirm she is, the cheaper it is to buy a financial plan to help pay for extra fees.
Oh, and don't forget to claim Attendance Allowance right now. And backdate the claim to the date your mum first needed help with her problems, and think hard on that.
And when you have done all that, and are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, you can say "I have done the best for mum, the best I possibly could do", and as everyone has said on this thread, you should have no guilt, no guilt at all - and this is me, only one month on, feeling guilty!
But you will know your mum is safe and cared for, that is so important.
I have read somewhere that if your mum has been sectioned under a particular section of the Mental Health Act then the state has to pay for an appropriate place for her, so look into that.
It all takes time, believe me. I have spent the last two months trying to find out who her window cleaner is, her milkman, raiding her house for papers to find out who has her house insurance etc etc.
Get back to us on this site with anything else that bothers you.
Hope my posting has been of some help. I'm not as "kind" sounding as some people, but I still feel for you and your problems.
Much love
Margaret