1. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    I joined talking point in Aug but this is my first message. My mother 82 years has been given a diagnosis and is on medication but it does not seem to be doing much. While I am managing to cope with the practicalities of her memory difficulty I am struggling to cope with the change in her character. She was a dominant woman but now she is sometimes very verbally aggressive. She also moves from laughing to tears and anger very quickly. It is hard to keep up with her reactions and I feel guilty that I have been cutting my visits short when I feel tired and unable to deal with her. I am also responsible for a severely physically and mentally disabled sister who also has dementia like symptoms. I am currently in battle with the local authority re my sister’s care and where as once I could have discussed this with my mum I now can't as I feel the stress would only make her worse. I feel bad even writing this message as there are full time carers who are coping with much more than I do on a daily basis.:confused:
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hello Keely

    welcome to posting on Talking Point.

    let's get this one out of the way at once.

    Yes, there are carers who probably have more to deal with, and there are those who don't, but think they do. It really doesn't matter because, for you, the problem is what you have described and are facing.

    So never feel that you cannot post here because of what others are going through.

    this is something we all feel with the loss to us of our loved one. This is where Talking Point is a boon because others will understand what your problems are and may be able to suggest solutions, or at least steps to take.

    best wishes
     
  3. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Keely

    Welcome.

    It's extremely distressing watching your parents change from being the one who protected and cared for you, to being the one that is dependent on you. It's a complete role reversal, and it's not always easy to come to terms with.

    You can share your problems here. Maybe we can't help you practically, but we can offer support and a friendly ear.

    Best wishes.

    Beverley x
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,649
    Kent
    Hello Keely.
    Please feel free to discuss any of your concerns on TP. That`s what it`s for.
    Having responsibility for both your mother and your sister is a task and a half. All care is stressful and there is no need to compare, your stress is your stress and as important as anyone`s.
    To say it`s difficult managing personalities affected by dementia is an understatement. The mood changes are impossible to predict and a big strain on the carer.
    I do hope you will feel there is support for you here. Sharing problems with people who understand makes a big difference.
    Don`t forget there is an Alzheimers Helpline which can offer support too.
    Take care xx
     
  5. rachels3185

    rachels3185 Registered User

    Dec 20, 2007
    7
    East Yorkshire
    welcome

    Hi Keely

    Talking point is a great way of "unloading" sometimes there is some really usefull info to help navigate the way thru and sometimes it's just a nice feeling to know there are people out there - listening. We're all going thru not very pleasant times at the moment and everyone's situation is different, take what help you can form TP. The change in charecter is a difficult subject, all you can do is remember that it's the illness causing the change, your mum is still the same deep down. Don't feel guilty about talking about things on here, I did, to start with, but TP is a form of support and if some of the info I get from it helps dad then that compensates for the guilt

    Take care
     
  6. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    HI Keely

    Never feel that others are more badly affected. This illness affects us all in so many different ways and we are all subject to a variety of stresses and strains. Never feel that you cannot post. This is where you will find people who understand.

    As for your relationship with your MUm I so understand it. With hindsight I lost my Mum long before she had her diagnosis and it really caused our relationship to deteriorate as I didn't know what was wrong and she was horrible to me at a time I needed her and completely lacking in empathy which was not "Mum". I found that the diagnosis was a blessing as you could say that it was the illness rather than Mum (bit like you use the teething excuse for a baby..every grizzle is teething!!!) It does help though to get you through when you are really really seething with them, although you may still find the agression there it can be easier to respond to if you see it separately from your Mum.

    People on here are great and understanding. Post away when life is tough. I think that you are doin remarkably well to cope with all that is going on.

    ((((hugs))))

    Mameeskye
     
  7. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    Thanks everyone

    Dear All
    Thank you - Your postings have helped to make me feel my concern/stress is valid and it’s ok for me to say how hard it all can be. I think I have always been someone who just copes and I am coping but I some how don't feel as lonely having made contack. I have never used this means of support but sheer relief of people out there understanding feels such a blessing. Thank you I will repeatedly read your kind words and sentiments.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,649
    Kent
    Keep posting Keely. It does help to share your problems, that`s why we`re all here.
    Love xx
     
  9. Dave W

    Dave W Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    268
    Bucks
    Hi Keely

    and thanks for posting. Like yours, my Mum was originally a dominant character who become aggresive and subject to sharp mood swings as her condition (vascular dementia) began to surface.

    In addition to what others have said, I can offer 2 bits of experience: firstly, that the changes of mood and character my turn out to be a phase of the illness - my Mum is now (2 - 3 years on) generally very calm and peaceful in mood.

    Secondly, the aggresiveness may be partly fear - although it was very difficult to attempt to even talk about how she was with my Mum (the all too frequent complete denial syndrome kicked in), at least initially she showed signs that she did deep down know 'something was going wrong' and was very frightened of that and what it might mean for her. (In her case, an aunt had been committed to a fairly dreadful asylum back in the 1930s when my Mum was only a little girl - I think she assumed something similar would happen). That fearfulness too has largely now passed - although this is largely because she's no longer capable of working out what it was she was afraid of, it does mean that she is much more at peace with herself and the world now.

    You're in a very tough situation, and I'm glad you're finding that speaking out here is heping. (It has helped me more than anything else though the last few years.) Keep posting - TP is somewhere you can always ask questions, share frustrations and insights or just 'let off steam' - and I hope life will get a little easier for you.

    Dave
     
  10. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello Keely,

    I am pleased that you have realised your concerns are valid. You have a lot to deal with and I'm sure you'll find plenty of helpful advise and support here.

    Personality change is hard to accept I watch my once so peaceful mum who never raised her voice in anger become verbally aggressive and nasty. With mum as this disease progresses further.... more of her old personality is resurfacing.

    I hope all works out re the problems with your sister and best of luck with your mum. Regards Taffy.
     
  11. ClaireS

    ClaireS Registered User

    May 15, 2007
    4
    Gillingham
    Hi Keely

    I'm new to TP also, registered some time ago but stubbonly thought I could cope and things would be ok! Well they are as ok as can be, my Mum is 60 today and is in the latter stages of AD but I don't think even the strongest of people can cope every day. The personality change is the hardest for me and my children, I'm grieving every day for my Mum as she's not quite there anymore and I'm so angry at this illness for taking her from me and my kids at such a young age, but at the same time I'm lucky to be in a position where I know each day is a bonus with her, others have relatives taken so quickly they don't get chance to say goodbye.

    Its really helped me reading all the messages, realising you're not alone. Wishing you all the best with your sister and Mum.

    Claire x
     
  12. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    these boards are here for you to suport and get surport, I have only been here for 3 weeks myself and reading the posts have been a great help, as other's are further forward than us and have gone through more but there are some I can relate to that are going through the same as me and without them posting I would feel alone but by reading their posts I know that I'm not alone. before my step mum became ill I had not known anyone with this illness so each day I am learning and like your mum my step mum changes so quickly from angry to crying to happiness in seconds please post and we can support each other
     
  13. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    Support and dealing with accusations

    I am sure I am getting to grips with the technical side of replying and the quote thing despite my reading the tutorial so please bear with me! I am both sorry and consoled to hear about your mum and your are so right about supporting reach other. It does seem to take some doing to come to terms with the illness and its effect on our mothers doesn't it. Its the inconsistency that I also find hard some times even if its only for short intervals there is a glimpse of her old self capable dominant and strong and even if these moments a very brief I so easily slip into thinking she is ok. I think we have to some how deal with the grief of loosing them as the person they were but the problem is the condition is not static so coming to terms is an ongoing. The mood swings are something aren't they! I think its the lack of spontinaity to the relationship that these mood swings bring is a challange.
    I have to conciously think before I do anything or react to anything. There is no breezing in to visit her. Take care and thank you for encouraging me to post, I am glad you replied and I also hope we can support each other. Sending a hug. Keely
     
  14. Keely

    Keely Registered User

    Aug 6, 2007
    95
    personality

    Hi Taffy
    Thank you for this its good to know that some of your mums old personality is resurfing and I hope this will be the same for my mum. Best wishes Keely
     

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