Hello, I am new on this site, and need some advice, please help!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by donny, Feb 6, 2008.

  1. donny

    donny Registered User

    My father was diagnosed with vascular dementia 3 weeks before Christmas, as you can tell it was a shock for all of my family as he is only 67 years old. :(

    Anyway we do not know how long he has been suffering from the dementia but recently he has started to make unwanted sexual advances towards my mother and becoming very angry when refused. this is very embarrassing and i am sorry to be so forward, but i am desperately seeking advice on how to handle this senstively, as my mother is at her wits end. she is scared of him at the moment and he doesn't understand what he is doing wrong. Please can someone help by giving me advice.:(
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello donny.
    I doubt it is a problem you can solve. Your mother needs to seek help from your father`s doctor, there might be some medication that can be prescribed to calm him down.
    Let us know how your mother gets on.
    Take care
  3. donny

    donny Registered User

    Thank you for that advice.
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Donny

    I agree with Sylvia, only medication will help here. Your dad thinks he is acting perfectly normally, and he is! Some forms of dementia do produce heightened sexual urges. But although it's normal for him, it's not something your mum should be expected to cope with. Please tell her to see her GP. Perhaps you could go with them if your mum doesn't like to talk about it.

    This factsheet may help:

  5. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hello Donny:

    I agree with Grannie G and Skye. However alot depends on how good the GP in handling this. If your parents have been allocated a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) by the Mental Health Team, then that Nurse will be familiar with this problem and may be able to give good advice to your Mother.

    Take care Jan
  6. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Donny..this is so true..

    My husband went through a period like this a couple of years ago..it wasn't frightening for me but did cause me concern and embarrassment..At the time I discussed it with his CPN who was sympathetic and understanding..and it helped me to talk..but didn't solve the problem..
    He would also make inappropriate comments to female relatives or friends who were visiting..fortunately they understood the situation.
    All I can say is with time this "desperation" on his part has ceased..but he still needs my love..
    It's awful that your mum is scared of him..but I understand how she feels..and she needs to seek help and guidance..there is medication available for your dad if necessary..but sometimes talking it through and learning how to deal with it helps.

    It's such an intimate subject..and many wives/partners feel pressured into situations they'd rather not be in..and also are reluctant to discuss intimacies with strangers.

    It does sound as though both your parents need some help and support on this one..GP/CPN/Consultant..?

    Hope you can find some solutions..Love Gigi xx
  7. fiona4

    fiona4 Registered User

    Feb 6, 2008
    Hi I'm new here but wondering if it would be possible to distract him with something else? As a pharmacist I'm not a big fan of medication and it never seems to have helped my Mother with any of her problems.
  8. fiona4

    fiona4 Registered User

    Feb 6, 2008
    sorry I had to dash off and forgot to say I hope things improve soon. I don't know about anyone else but it seems that any problem is soon replaced with a different one when you are looking after someone with dementia and sometimes even really difficult behaviour seems to just disappear. We have had a real roller coaster ride with amzing lows but also some real fun. Good luck.
  9. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Hi Fiona and welcome to Talking Point.

    It's true that medication can be problematic - one never knows what affect it will have on a given person. There are a fair number of posters whose loved ones receive one of the AD meds and it really slows the progression, while others found them to be absolutely pointless or worse.

    Sonny - is your father taking any medication at all? Because if so it might be worthwhile checking the side-effects: there are a couple of meds I know off that can produce this side-effect. More likely, though, this is just another stage. While I can understand the desire to avoid meds, I think the really relevant point is that your mother is now frightened, and I don't think that can be allowed to continue: we all know he's not at fault as in culpable but the truth is she shouldn't have to live in fear. Distraction is always worthwhile trying, yet I suspect that such a primal urge may not be amenable to such techniques. You (or she) really have to contact your GP and spell this out - that she's living in fear.
  10. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Hello Jennifer,

    I'm glad that you've brought up "primal urges"..it isn't a subject normally discussed..but has been very real for me..I have no idea how many other partners/spouses go through this..but it was one of the reasons why I sought outside help in the form of counselling..because I felt I was not being "a good wife"..

    Eric went through a phase of "insatiability"..and any rejection on my part was viewed as "not loving" on his..it was extremely upsetting for me..and for him too..And it was so out of character

    I now view it as "a last fling"..for want of better words..
    And ..along with that..his ego has gone completely..(He always had a huge "I am"..ego)

    And it was part of the man I loved and married..fortunately (for me) the "demanding" part of him has gone completely..unfortunately the ego has also gone..it's as if it all became unbalanced for a while..and now the essence of him is more or less gone..

    Does that make sense?..I'm always trying to make sense of it!!!:eek:

    Love Gigi xx

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