Hello, I am new here

[Bobs]

Hi everyone,
I normally live in France but 13 weeks ago I flew back because my Mum had fallen and was in hospital.
We found my Dad has dementia, she had been covering it up.
Sadly she died 3 weeks ago . Dad will not go into a home, he has carers but there are gaps in the care.He also reacts very badly to me.
I do not know what to do, I cannot stay here indefinitley but I cannot neglect him.

 

[Lynne]

Hi Bobs

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and the consequent revelation of your Dad's dementia - and the situation it has created - must have added to the shock & grief for you. I take it there are no other relatives living nearby who might be willing to get involved?

Are you already in touch with Social Care Services directly? I mean a Social Worker, not the carers who already help your Dad.
You should be able to get the right number for your locality from this site. http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/index.htm
I would also recommend the local branch of the Alzheimer's Society. Go to http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheets and click on 'Local Information' to find contact information by inputting Dad's Postcode.

I'm sure someone else will be along soon - probably with more helpful suggestions - but I just wanted to know your post has been read.
Welcome to Talking Point, although we are all sorry for the need for it in our lives.

Best wishes

 

[pebble]

Bobs
This happened to us - when my Dad died 2 years ago we found he had been shouldering much of my Mum's condition. It is a difficult situation in the midst of bereavement also. It seems so daunting and you want to "solve everything" but it never works that way. It seems like a re-assessment of your dads care is needed. You mentioned that your dad reacts badly to you so I might be tempted to keep a low profile. I recently got Mums doctor to arrange an assessment and, as my mum still maintains to family that she is okay, I kept clear (worrying frantically) and she met the social worker etc herself. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she was reasonably receptive to the team who called. If I had been involved at the house I am sure it would have gone much much worse. I can sympathise with the distance - I am 200 miles away and even that seems so far. I suppose over the years I have learnt a bit to worry less about "the big everything of it" and try to react to specific problems as they appear on the horizon.
Another thing - my mum was extra-ordinarily unpleasant from time to time after my dad died and much of this I put down to the added hugh stress of grief and bereavement on top of dementia problems. That aspect has calmed away somewhat as she has adjusted to being on her own. Wishing you the very best of luck.
Pebbles