1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Sharon70

    Sharon70 Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    3
    my name is Sharon, I have one child to my partner of 7 years, we are married and that is why I came here.

    I do not know if this is the correct place to put this, but my marriage has failed, my husband will not admit this and I am not blaming anyone here. I just need some help understanding alzheimers. My husband does not tell me anything and I am ready to start divorce proceedings because i am shut out completely.

    I also forgot to mention it is not a member of my family it is a member of his family.

    I care about my husband, but I think it is safe to say I am fallen out of love with him, because of his rejection towards me. Is there any way i can get him back before i take the last straw of divorce, his behaviour is unnatural?

    Maybe he does not want to be with me, either way I have to make a final try before this ends. :(
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Sharon,
    Sorry that your life feels such a mess at the moment. Can you tell us a little more about what is happening? Is your husband close to the person with dementia? Does he have to give them a lot of time? Does he fear for his own health?
    If you can enlighten us a little more, then maybe we can give you some insight as to what may be happening.
    It is my mum who has dementia; I think my husband may at times get a little cheesed off with the amount of support that I give my parents - it is not easy for either party.
    Take care and post again soon
    Amy
     
  3. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Sharon

    I can only say that caring for a parent or close family member can put a strain on any relationship, it can become the focal point in your life.

    Look at the fact sheets here and they tell you a great deal about the disease. As for your relationship, maybe marriage guidance can help as a place to explore both your feelings.

    Being the daughter of a sufferer takes a lot out of me emotionally and physically, maybe I am lucky in that I discuss everything with my husband and grown-up children, there are no secrets and this works for us.

    Sorry I can't be of any more help, but I didn't want you to feel no-one was listening.

    Kathleen
     
  4. Sharon70

    Sharon70 Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    3
    Hello,

    Thank you for replying, my husband is very close to his father, he visits him often very often, I don't know that much of what is going on because my husband has well and truly closed me out. All i know is his father has hit his mother on occassions. I'm not happy about that. I have said that he must interfere he obviously needs more help than his mum can give and he says it is nothing to do with me and if it was he would not under no uncertain terms demand his mother puts his dad in a home. I do not know if my husband fears for his own health, all i know is that his father must stop attacking my husbands mother.

    Sorry I can't be much more help, I am very much alone, I have never felt so alone.
     
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Sharon,
    Aggression is a common aspect of dementia, but you are right, your MIL cannot be hurt. Do you get on with your MIL? Would it be possible for you to speak to her and encourage her to speak to her GP? I think fear of our loved ones 'being put in a home' is a common one, and many people cover up what is going on in case 'the authorities' interfere and take our loved one away. There are medications that may help with the aggression.
    Does your husband know how isolated and desperate you are feeling? Does he know that you want to help him support his mum and dad? Does your husband think that you want to see your FIL in a home so that FIL does not hit MIL and maybe so that your husband does not spend as much time with him? Forgive me, I am thinking aloud to try and understand what might be going on in your husband's head?
    Amy
     
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    All I can say is what happen to a relationship I had when my mother was diagnosed , I went in to denial I shut down emotional towards him ,because I felt what he was saying about my mother how bad she was going to get ,she should go in to a home ,at that time she was attacking me.

    All I could think of was that he was just thinking of him self; it’s all going to be too much for him to cope, supporting me ,his life with me would never be the same as it was before .

    Looking back now he may have been right about how bad it was going to get, but putting her in a home was the wrong thing to say at that time. I just wanted someone to lean on not tell me what to do, advice me like Amy is doing seeing the doctor getting medication. Thinks did get better & the attacking did stop

    Yes I left him, because all he could see was happening in that moment not the future.
     
  7. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Sorry I can't help very much but would it be possible to put it to your husband that you are concerned that unless you both intervene your father-in-law may be taken into care. I would suggest that your best strategy is to convince your husband that you are both have your father-in-law's best interests at heart.

    I must declare where I am coming from having had a long and at times a difficult, but largely happy marriage, particularly in recent years. Do not give up on your marriage too readily, love is too valuable to give up easily.

    Hugs

    Dick
     
  8. Sharon70

    Sharon70 Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    3
    Hi excuse me for doing this but i'm going to quote particular things so i can answer them in one post but individually if you understand what it is I am saying.

    I don't really have a great deal to do with my in laws, because my husband always wants to leave me and the little one at home. So i would find it difficult to discuss the matter with my mother in law. I have no gripes with my in laws.

    I have attempted a discussion with him on numerous occassions that our marriage is falling apart. He denies this and walks away from most discussions stating that what i say is rubbish. I then tell him he his ignorant for not listening to his "loving, caring wife," whom is trying to save her and her husband from divorce. I particularly stress those words to him. My husband thinks my suggestion for putting his father into a home are because I want him to go into a home, he thinks I am selfish. This is very untrue, the reason for me wanting his father in a home is to prevent his mother being used as a battering ram, nobody in the whole world deserves that sort of treatment.

    Margarita: My relationship to my husband as been like this for a very very long considerable time, I have admitted and opened my eyes to 6-12 months of no love or care or consideration from the man I call my husband. When i took my vows i said better for worse, in sickness and in health and he throws these words at me when i speak of his father going to a home. I am sorry but if it was my father battering my mother I would take it upon myself to control my mother's life and put dad into a home. I could not watch my mum take the pain.

    DickG: I never ever give up on anything too easily, in all honesty i noticed things were not right 2 years ago. But i brushed it off, saying it was a passing phase, but as time went on it never did get any better, it got worse, night's out for my husband were more frequent (to my mother in laws home). And i continue to live my life at home doing the chores, and all the other wife things we do to keep our lives simple and happy.

    Approximately 6 months ago I found an article regarding disability living allowance. It stated that alzheimers patients are not told everything they should be regarding benefits, i give the article to my husband, days later it went in the bin, i saw it screwed up, like it was not worth the paper it was written on. This made me feel worthless because i tried to make an improvement financially, but he threw their chance away.

    What hope is left?
     

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