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Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
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NW England
Helena said:
If my Mother goes wandering out at night no doubt the neighbours will call in social services and tell them they need to section her

Helena, have you got some time and space to step back and think about what the consequences of that would be for you, personally/emotionally?

Are you even subconsciously hoping for that scenario to arise so that you don't have to confront what is clearly a very difficult situation in terms of gaining the best care for your mother?

I'm not asking the questions to challenge you and make you feel uncomfortable ... but I hear not just your words but the anger and frustration behind them ...

Let rip, if you need to... we're all here to help each other.....

Karen
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
0
They say Alzheimers/dementia exagerates previous character

A Cousin showed me 2 photos .......one of her MIL ......the face of pure evil who had to be dragged kicking and screaming out of the house to a NH

the other her Mother ..........always the lovely sweet face i will always remember who was grateful for everything her daughter ever did including the care home she found


The photos were always called Good and Evil

Well my Mother will definitely not be the sweet face of my Aunt

and yes i am angry and for good reason because i feel i have already put up with more than enough and simply cannot face endless more years of the misery and moaning already experienced .

As others have said if it was terminal cancer at least there would be a timescale
One could put affairs in order
you could make the most of the time thats left

but trying now to reason with the unreasonable and cope with abuse when i have tried for years to get her to make sensible provision and face scenarios .....forget it .
 

Lila13

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
1,342
0
My mother wandered out at night but no-one tried to section her.

The doctor she saw in January said if she wanted to go out for walks in her nightie after dark that was entirely up to her.

If she'd been sectioned perhaps she'd still be alive now ... or perhaps she'd have died sooner ...

She also sometimes drove me away with verbal and physical abuse, then went round to neighbours accusing me of leaving her.

(And I still want her back!)

Lila
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,454
0
Hiya Helena,
Just been reading your previous postings to try and get an understanding of your situation.
Do you live close to your mother? How frequently do you see her? Is she both verbally and physically aggessive? How much of a problem is the wandering at night? Is she still able to cook, provide meals for herself? Does your sister live nearby, how does she feel about the situation?
What about the rest of your family - how do they feel about grandma? Do you have a lot of responsibility for grandchildren, it must be hard if you feel caught in the middle of two generations? Wha do you enjoy for yourself?
Just trying to fill in the gaps in the picture.
Love Helen
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
Helena said:
but trying now to reason with the unreasonable and cope with abuse when i have tried for years to get her to make sensible provision and face scenarios .....forget it .

Helena, your posts make think of the 'proverbial head against the brick wall'. Who is this hurting? Obviously not the wall.

I'm a great fan of anger - when it fuels energy and action... the trouble is when it is sustained over a long period and only causes frustration then it can be so damaging (but that wall will still be standing). I read the words 'forget it' - and thought was the best advice you have given yourself... but it's nigh impossible..... it's not just in people's nature to walk away whatever the circumstances.... (Lila - you made me cry!)....

We can all cling to even the rottenest relationships at times.... social pressure?

Perhaps sometimes, distancing ourselves is essential for self-preservation... doesn't mean we don't care... just have to find a way to stop that damned head keep banging away...... and know we've done our bit to keep the wall intact....

Love, Karen, x
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
0
Amy
Neither I nor my sister live close to my Mother
She has always been stubborn and difficult and simply will not face the realities of being 90 and insists come hell or high water no one is moving her out of her home

At the momment she still cooks for herself but only if someone buys food for her or takes her shopping
She was driving until the DVLA rescinded her licence 3 weeks ago ( i dare not think of the damage she may have done to other peoples cars if you saw the damage on hers which she is oblivious to )

She is so different from day to day and week to week and aggression is a pretty frequent part of the picture along with confusion and a total inability to understand anything , half the time her speech is incoherent and with long silences hence theres no way she could order a taxi and most days she does not know what day it is .

I have run out of patience because she simply will not listen to reason , will not co operate and for years has refused to face reality
Hence sooner or later a crisis will occur and we will have a real mess on our hands
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,454
0
Hiya Helena,
Right, I've got a clearer picture now.
Have you managed to speak to your mother's GP about the situation? Is he aware of the problems that she is encountering? I understand that you can probably not get mum to see him, but at least if it was on her notes that you and your sister had expressed concern, if anything did happen, he would have some idea what he was dealing with.
Who is doing the shopping or taking your mum on shopping trips? Are they happy to continue this involvement?
It must be so frustrating when you want to help but your mum will not accept it - cannot see what is good for her. But I think TF is right about letting go of anger - it is not helping you, nor your mum.
Love Helen
 

Áine

Registered User
Feb 22, 2006
994
0
sort of north east ish
Helena said:
I have run out of patience because she simply will not listen to reason , will not co operate and for years has refused to face reality

Hi Helena, I wonder if this is similar to some of the muddle I get into with my dad at times. He also has Lewy Body Dementia. There's no way I could reasonably expect him to listen to reason now .... he's too confused. But there's times when I find that very hard to accept ..... not because he's ill now ....... but because he's never bl***y well listened to reason and has never faced reality. I get infuriated because he's never listened, never taken any notice of what I say, never been interested in anything I do, and NOW he's not able to and that's never going to change, and now he's got a medical diagnosis to back him up. Don't get me wrong, I care for him and I'll do my best for him ...... but at times he makes me so angry. I worry about him when he's saying very bizarre things and acting strangely ..... but I get furious with him when he's acting in ways that are 'normal for him'.
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
0
Aine

I have little doubt its the same problems you face with your father however yours is at least in a home

My Mother would have to be dragged kicking and screaming out of her home

and yes she has always been difficult and wont listen to anyone because she knows best

Well sorry I am not running myself ragged trying to accomodate her stubborn stupidity and I do not expect my children to do that for me either
 

panda

Registered User
Apr 16, 2006
88
0
Surrey
Mum Being abusive

Hi to every one sorry if this message is in the wrong place but I am still trying to work out what is a thread or a quote and how do I work out the computer. Any way even though I am finding it all so confusing and frustrating I am going to give it a try. I am aware of not being able to understand how to work this web site and how angry I am getting with myself and think this must be how Mum feels. The abuse that we suffer from our loved ones is the illness talking but also their frustrations and confusion. This is not allways easy to remember when we are feeling hurt or rejected also tired from all the worry and stress we are under, try to take a deep breath walk out of the room for five kick the cat [joke] or changing the subject with them sometimes works. I find looking after myself eg a nice bubble bath , good book or whatever works for you is a good idea at the end of the day helps. When things are difficult I can think about what ever treat I am going to have later. One more thing if any one can guide me into understanding how to do this I would really appreciate it [so would the cat]:eek: :
 

Jazzy

Registered User
Jun 3, 2006
34
0
Derbyshire
Hi Cara

I can identify with everything you say and it can be heartbreaking. My mother has just gone into hospital for a full assessment after 9 weeks in a local hospital and 6weeks in a care home. Her langauge to me at times has been awful, but I know it's not Mum talking - it's some disease that making her like that. That's what I hold on to. Try and remember that it's not personal. Hard, i know.

Jazzy